To the Male Gender

Dear Men, Boys, Guys, Males or which ever you class yourselves in.

There are a few things you need to know. (Not all off you, just some of you)
I do understand that what happened in my marriage was not/is not an easy predicament to deal with, But it is something that I do have to deal with. I know that it wasn't the best thing a husband can do, but it happened. So please stop telling me so.
Please understand that I can hold my own. I do not need a Knight in shinning armour to come save me. I am doing fine!!
My Mischiefs do not need another Father because they have one who loves them and they him, so any attempts to discredit him as a Father or say "Your better off without him" will only hinder the chance of even a friendship. We are still good friends and I do not appreciate people talking badly about my friends.
Also note that we are not yet divorced. I do not even have the divorce papers yet, let alone signed them. So until then, I am still a married Woman.
I have not yet healed from the damaged that has been done, and until then, I will not even contemplate any form of relationship until this has happened. Note, that could take years.
I also have a great relationship with my own Father, so I do not feel the need to fill that void with someone older than him. He is about to turn 50 by the way.
Genuine friendships are perfectly fine, but the moment you say "lets be "friends", spend some time together, and see where it takes us" Is not. If those are your intentions, then you can back the truck up, turn around, drive off and find someone else.

Thank you for listening
Yours sincerely
Stressed Shrew

Sorry, I've just had somewhat of a stressful week.
Why did it take all of this to happen in my life, (marriage, kids, bust up) for the opposite gender to show interest in me?
I know i haven't blogged in ages and it was my birthday the other day as well. I'm now 26. Although people have commented that they thought i was about 22. That does make me feel good. :D Also sliding down the water slide with my mischiefs on a hot day makes me feel good to. Bring on more hot days please, Roll on summer!!
I'm sorry if all that sounds harsh, I just needed to vent. Please excuse me for that. :p
See, I'm smiling now *insert big chibby smile*

Happy thoughts

AHHHH i need happy thoughts.
Today was an ok day, but the evening has be somewhat stressful, since i was accused of playing little teenage games that i have clearly grown out of. You judge others by your own yard stick - one of my flaws that i am working on - but some people are clearly judging me by theirs. Just because they are still teenagers and like to play silly little games and what not, they seem to think that i do as well. For example - fake online accounts to stalk people with. This is one thing that i will not do. If i was to annoy someone i will do it straight up and not behind any kind of fake name. Second of all i just got frustrated with hearing about someone who really isn't worth my time and i blew up, in public (well as much as the net can be), not behind anything fake. Which then in turn spiraled into some teenage catty fight. Im over them. I had my last one when i was 19 and never intended to have another one. But during this "fight" i found out that this person has been spreading some very nasty things about me. I am fuming mad right now. So before i go to bed, I am going to list as many things as i can that i am thankful for in my life and think happy thoughts. Right now this is going to be hard. Here goes.....

* My gorgeous Mischiefs - even though they do make life hard at times, i love them to bits
* I own my own home - even though its a mess all the time and its drawn all over, its still MINE

..... stop the negative attitude after please ......
Ah its hard to think when your in a mood like this. Must push on.

* I don't have to shear my bed with a snorer. Its peaceful when i sleep. although most nights i sleep with the tv on because it helps me sleep.
* Flowers - Flowers are pretty - although some do smell bad.
* Painting - Although i was ment to finish my painting im doing for Jakob tonight but that got side tracked.

Its amazing how hard this is when you are in a bad mood. But i can't go to bed like this.

* Devins Prayers. He prayed the other night and thanked the lord for his transformer toy.
* Nice music - its always calming
* New Friends who you can really open up to and talk to. Its times like that when you know the lord is looking out for you.
* Hugs - mischief hugs are the best. Maddy Loves hugging at the moment.
* Watching my kids sleep - thats when i love them the most that a tear comes to my eyes.
* Hills - so i can have my house on top of one and see the beautiful view
* Pets - they love you no matter what
* Ice cream
* Hot chocolates in bed
* fluffy pillows
* Warm beds with the electric blanket on
* Pre-school
* Teddy bears
* Warm fires
* Random comments that make me laugh
* GLITTER ... its the most funnest thing around.

* I have a Cabby tat. I am so thank full for that. Not everyone will understand what i just said. She just tells me random things. No im not hearing voices - although im not far off that i would think
* Cabby tat told me to add that im thankfull for New Rocks. I LOVE then to bits. I should wear mine more often.
* Black eye liner with a smudging end
* Purple eye shadow
* BUNNIES (sorry couldn't help myself)
* My little brothers hat that i love to bits that he left in Christchirch now ive got claim on it
* Bubbles. I love bubbles
* Fairy wings are the best as well. If i get married again i MUST wear wings
* Lazy boy chairs
* Queen size beds with King size covers
* Spiders - not the scarry creepy crawly type. But the ones where its ice cream and fizzy
* Tim tam slam

Ok there is so much more that i can say now. So my work here is done. Good night all and i hope to sleep well tonight.

A much needed catch up.

It has been almost 2 months since my last post, in which i am sorry about, but unfortunately i have had a some rather serious things to deal with that i did know where coming but they still knocked me for 6 when they happened. So, scene as it has been almost 2 months i feel it is time for a much needed update to my little life.

Well first off, an update of Jakob and I. Many of you know almost exactly what is going on in that department because the justice system is oh so kind to estranged wives and protecting them form the shame and embarrassment of the ordeal, so they did not grant name suppression which in tern landed him a story on the court page of the Otago Daily Times. That did really great things to my self esteem, self worth and dignity. If you don't know well then that's good, all you need to know is that is currently taking up residence in the Otago Corrections Facility aka Milton Hilton with a sentence of 2 years 4 month, which means his first parole hearing is due in February. Its odd that they can call it a Corrections Facility when all they do it lock you in a cell for most of the day and offer little if no support to correct the behaviour that found you locked up there in the first place. If they wanted to change the name from Jail to Corrections Facility then they should change the structure of it so its more fitting. If they are not willing to do that, then you may as well just keep the name of Jail. Political Correctness drives me insane.
Even though for the majority of this year, i have known that he was going to Jail, it did throw me somewhat. He did get longer than i had thought, but then again "do the crime, do the time". And that is very much his thoughts on the matter as well. It was still hard seen as i had been trying to keep what has been going on to myself, then suddenly everyone who reads the paper now knows the story. Although not a completely accurate version of events seen as the defense was made up of a twisted, vindictive, disgrace of a woman who doesn't deserve the title of Woman. I can not wait until Karma gives her a call and bitch slaps her around. Although that is a whole other post to vent about.
His court day happened on the 12th of May, only 2 days before our 3rd mischief Madison was to turn the beloved 1 year old. Since then i have been floating around trying to keep myself together. I have my good times and my bad. I've been swinging from wanting to sleep all the time to not even my little blue pills the doctor gave me are even helping me fall asleep.
I know that if you do the crime you have to do the time, but he was still a great support for me. He would still come over and take the kids off my hands so i can have some much needed me time and he would help me clean my house and also give me money when i needed. But now due to the justice system my support has been ripped away from my children and i and left me with very little in that department. There isn't much justice in that. The lest they could have done was give me some more support seen as they took my main support away. I had to fill out a form the other day for my parenting group, it asked for my next of kin - someone to contact if something was to go wrong. I sat there and almost cried and sadly turned to the group leader and asked "what do i write if i have no one?". That felt rather depressing.
I would say that i am going through the motions of grief. Right at this point i am going through anger. I am very angry right now and especially at Jakob for putting me in this situation. I never signed up for this. I signed up to be married for time and all eternity, not to be left to be a solo mum of 3 kids with absolutely no trust for anyone else to ever come into my life. What happened has left me very broken and i just seem to think that if my Husband can do what he did, then there is nothing stopping anyone else from doing it. Now I'm starting to ramble and that's not a good thing when i am in this mood. So anger .. I am angry, but i am not a vindictive person, so i will not do anything long lasting with that anger, for example burn all his cloths that he has left here. That's tempting, but i could never do that.
Due to Jakob being in Jail, he is about to declare himself Bankrupt. I spoke to my lawyer the other day about this and she is doing some research into how this will affect me. That is stressful, but then at least it will stop all the debt collectors from bombarding my house with phone calls and letters demanding Jakob to pay them.
The mischiefs are doing ok. They do miss their dad and love getting phone calls from him.
When Jakob went away i sat Devin down and i told him that Daddy had to move away for a little bit because he is in big boy time out. I thought he would not understand the term Jail or even Corrections Facility but i thought he would understand time out. I have also talked about the difference between big boy time out which daddy is having and little boy time out which Devin has. Calling it time out has saved me from embarrassment. As little kids are they do like to talk a lot about what pops in there head and Devin has told a fair few people that his daddy is in time out. To the people who do not know his situation, time out can mean anything, they would not immediately presume that he is referring to jail.
I have also put pictures of each child and their father beside their bed, so they don't forget what he looks like. I will never run their father down to them, no mater what has happened or will happen between Jakob and I. It is highly unfair to do so.

Other aspects of my life ... well there really isn't much to update you on that seen as there isn't much else to my life than looking after the kids and dealing with all that has happened.
I will try to post more often. My Wii may get repossessed due to the bankruptcy so ill need some other form on mind numbing entertainment. Not that posting is mind numbing, but playing odd games on Facebook is.

Would you really

Would you really stay strong? Would you really stay strong in the face of your worst nightmare?

I have tried so hard for so long to stay strong, but this year has been the hardest. From the end of last year to this current day, one of my worst nightmares has been playing out.

Last year i cried to my mum and said "what happens if blah blah blah happens? I don't think i will ever be able to cope with that if it happened." What i said to her was one of my worst nightmares. Most of you happy mormons will never have to worry about that happening to you, so you can say all you like about how you would cope, but would you really?
Since September last year it hasn't just been the one thing of Jakob walking away from the marriage, it has been blow after blow after blow as my nightmare unfolds, And today is going to be yet another blow. It has been blows both emotionally and spiritually. This nightmare is far from over and all i have herd from people is how everyone is gossiping and saying "Im not going to go out and do stupid things just becasue im not coping". Id love to see half of you deal with ALL i have to deal with and see if you stay strong.
I am alone in this. I have no family down here and my only friends are those in the church, or so i thought. The only person who checks in on my everyday and makes sure im still here is Jakob and he is having to move away today. He doesn't want to move away but he has no choice and must go. I realized the other day that anything could happen to me, i could die in my sleep from a stroke or something and no one will know for a few weeks. Its not odd at all for me no to see or hear from anyone for a few weeks. My closest friends live either in Christchurch or Wanganui and im stuck here without them. I can't move back home right now becasue i can not sell my house without getting into massive debt, and i can not rent my house out becasue i will still loose money if i do and i can't afford that. Right now, i am stuck in Dunedin with no help or support, only people who want to sit around and gossip. How fair is that?

This is not a blog about "woe is me", This is a blog about "do not judge or gossip". Gossip and judging distroys people, especially when they are getting distroyed from other things as well.

Do not judge me for reacting the way i am in the situation i have been forced into. Due to the selfish actions of others, i am hear in one of my worst nightmares. Stop judging and gossiping!!

Freakin Spiders

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

I don't like spiders. I don't like them one bit. But spiders love my house. Those jumping spiders scare the boogers out of me. But those stupid spiders love my house.

I was just folding the washing and one jumped of the item i was holding.

I am trying so hard not to pass on my fear of spiders to my children. Its very hard, but im trying.

I HATE SPIDERS!!!!!!!!

Marriage vows

Just something i would like to say to those who read my blog who still are getting to know me or may not know my values.

Legally, I am still married, so in my mind those wedding vows and promises are still valid. Sure Jakob isn't exactly following them but that doesn't mean i can just toss them to the side.
To be true to myself and the morals and values i hold dear, I will not look or even think about a relationship with anyone else or even do anything along those lines with anyone else.
Please do not think otherwise of me.

Schools the life for me??

I have been thinking lately about returning to school and starting some meaningful tertiary study. I have always found an interest in Psychology but never thought i had the smarts to go through with my interests. But over the last few years that pull and desire to follow this interest has become stronger. I can not help tho, to recall my dreaded school days and lack of scholastic abilities. These thoughts have been and still are my barrier i must over come in order to pursue these desires to study. I thought i might share my school adventures to maybe help me get over my lack of self worth in this area.

My earliest memories of schooling was going to Kindergarten. This is where i meet one of my best friends Sina. We ended up staying friends up until 7th form - last year of high school. We still sometimes talk now but we have gone down very different paths in life and have drifted apart.
My memories of kindy are of painting, shadow puppets and hiding up the tree during clean up time.
My first teacher was very scary. I can not even recall her name only but to call her "Witch Lady" which was our endearing name we used for her. Good thing i was born in November and only had to endure her for a few short weeks till the school year was over. I do however also remember seeing all my kindy mates sitting under her wrath as well.
The next important thing that happened in my school life was that i was subject to J3. For those that are unfamiliar with the old way of school years, i will enlighten you on the order.
Primary school
- New entrants (which you did if you where born after march)
- Junior1
- J2
- J3 or Standard1 (some unlucky people did both)
- Std2
- Std3
- Std4
Intermediate school
- Form 1
- Form 2
High school
- 3rd form
- 4th form
- 5th form
- 6th form
- 7th form

Although i was not unlucky enough to do both J3 and Std1, i still knew that the smart people where never left behind in the junior part of school. When i did move into the senior sector of my primary school i went direct to Std2. Which would have been good, but it was over shadowed by my perception of the class set up. Often in our classes we would have mixed years. Std1 mixed Std2, Std2 mixed Std3, Std3 mixed Std4. I was forever the higher year in my classes. This made me feel like i was stupid. I longed to be the lesser year so i would feel smart.
Also as i journeyed up the ranks of primary school, i noticed that the songs we sung in assembly became rather babyish. It's not that i outgrew the songs, its that the music teacher ceased to sing those "grown up" songs and replaced them with ones i thought should be in pre-school. There is one that has stuck in my head because i loathed it. I have forgotten most of the words but still remember the tune. The words that i despised the greatest have never left me..
"yum yum gobble gobble crunch crunch crunch, i've got a lovely bone to munch"
These words should never be sung by 10 year olds in school assembly. I already felt stupid by always being in the higher rank of the class, and now they make us sing baby songs. Nice.

Then came Intermediate. Form1, I was put in an average class. Thats fine by me because i was never made to feel stupid. But alas, this was the year i become gravely ill with cancer and spent 5 months in hospital. On my return back to school, in the second year of Intermediate, i had the privilege of choosing my teacher. I had unfortunately chosen a teacher who did not understand my situation and i felt showed little or no mercy towards my recovery. This year holds some rather untoward emotions and situations that even to this day brings tears to my eyes. I often light-heartedly amuse myself about how i can easily talk about my dance with death with little or no sorrow, But bring up the year after and my integration into life and the tears start to flow.

High school. Need i say more. I am yet to find someone with only the fondest memories of this turbulent affair. I was shoved in the "dumb ass" class even tho according to the teachers "there is no streaming". But when you are 3rd form sitting in Math class, the teacher hands you a colour the squares picture where if you colour all boxes with half fractions it revels a picture, your mind starts to put its own puzzle together to revel that there is in fact a "dumb" class. Just to add to the torment, there was a stream of questions from the class to the teacher "Miss is 3/4 half? Miss is 5/8 half? Miss is 2/6 half?". How on earth do they not know about fractions? Isn't that primary school learning?. In my class i was dubbed "brainy", this bugged me because i knew that i was not brainy, it was in fact that the rest of the class was morons.
To sum up High School it was a stream of useless teachers mixed with ones that i swear hated me with a pinch of being tossed to the side. Its no wonder that when it came time for my youngest sister to go to High School mum said to her "Choose what ever school you want to go to, even private if you like, just not Avonside girls" My other sister also had troubles while she was there. I will never forget 6th form Math. I was having a lot of difficulty trying to understand everything. I had an average test mark of 30%. My parents payed for a tutor 2 hours a week. My test marks suddenly jumped to an average of 75%. Go figure.
I also do not have School Cert. English.
My Art History teacher in 7th form kept telling me i can't write essays. She would tell me how i should be writing them, so i would do it how she wanted, but still she would tell me i didn't know how to write them. I suppose it didn't help that she was actually the Japaneses teacher who the school decided to have her teach Art History because she took a paper on it at Uni.

I like doing personality tests. Ive done a few. Every time i do one about my type of learning i come out highly kinesthetic, which means i learn by doing. Maybe thats why i failed so miserably at school. Or it could have been a mixture of both learning style and useless teachers, who knows. All i know is that im terrified of going back to study because i do not want to fail miserably again. But i have this urge and desire to learn.

Another personality test i have indulged in is the test of "Introvert or extrovert". I seem to come up smack in the middle. 50% on either side. Go figure. But thats a whole new post all together.

Green eyes of jelousy

'mummy talk to me' Devin so kindly demanded.
'what would you like to talk about?' I replied.
'bees. bees in my mouth'
'oh really. what are they doing in your mouth?'
'ummm bees in my mouth'
'thats interesting. what colour are bees?'
'ummmm black'
'good boy. what other colour are they?'
'ahhh white'
'are you sure? is there yellow on bees to?'
'yeah yellow, bees black and yellow'
'where do bees live?'
'in the garden. bees live in the garden. bees sleep on the flowers'
'wow thats cool isn't it Devin. what do bees eat?'
'bees eat the butterflies'
'ooo ok then'

5 min of silence

'Mummy talk to me'
'alright Devin'
'spiders in my nose'

..............................................

Its harder than what you may think. Some people think that being at home all the time is so good and relaxing. Its not relaxing with kids. Not one single second of your life is your own. You are on call 24 hours 7 days a week. There is no such thing as a weekend, if you are sick you can't "call in" sick and spend the day in bed and you are constantly thinking about what other people need (mainly your children) and you forget about yourself and what you need. Your day is full of screams, crys and the almighty hissy fit tantrums. Although you are never alone, you get very lonely. The conversations you have are either ones along the lines of the one i mentioned before, which is one i had with Devin the other day, or they are to yourself. They say the first sign of insanity is talking to yourself and the second is replying to yourself. Im defiantly on the road to insanity with that one. Ive even started talking to, and answering myself when Jakob is around due to its just become a habit.

I love my children, i love them to bits and would do anything i can to be there for them. I do not regret having them at all. I do however get rather jealous of the things that Jakob is able to do right now that im not. In the grand scheme of life, this time i have now is so very short and there will soon come a time when i can do all those things that i can't now.

The things that im rather jealous of is being able to go out and not worry about the kids, he can go to the movies if he wants, he can have proper conversations with people, he can go spend time with mates and not have to say "oh hold up, baby needs a feed". I went to a Relief Society activity not that long ago. It was hard because Madison wanted me a lot and i felt that i couldn't relax and have fun. Other people came along and held and cuddled her so i could make my crafty things which was great, but i still couldn't relax. He also has many things he can talk to people about. His drama, His kids, His work etc. I have kids and thats about it. Thats all my life seems to be and when i meet with friends thats all we seem to talk about. Kids and nappies and all that stuff. I crave talking about other things, but other things have no place in my mind right now because it is so full up with baby stuff. Some nights i even go to sleep with the echos of Children screaming ringing in my mind.

The biggest dilemma that i seem to be going through with these green eyes is a concert. Jakob has recently discovered the band "Disturbed" who are coming to the good old New Zealand and to my home town Christchurch. I have liked this band since before i met Jakob and he was never keen to listen to this band till the other night when i found an album of theirs for cheep. So i bought it and put it on while Jakob was out of the room. His ears perk up and he thinks "hey these guys are rather awesome, Im going to their concert"
WHAT!!!!!! In one night he is almost forced to listen to something he hasn't wanted to for years and then declares hes going to their concert. My concert that ive been waiting for since i was 19 years old, and i can't go to it because i have a highly dependent child. When i first found out they where coming i thought "Dam. I can't go. Oh well these things happen when you have children and id prefer to have Madison than go to their concert". And that was that, till Jakob declared he was going.

I don't want him to go because i can't go and i don't see that as fair. But as he has said "what happens if they turn out to be one of my all time favourite bands and i missed out on their concert because you had a tan-trum and wouldn't let me go".
I don't want him to go, but i don't want to stop him from going.
Having him go will make me so jealous and grumpy because if anyone should go, i think it should be me. But stopping him will make me feel bad because i don't want to tell him what he can and can't do and what happens if it dose end up being one of his all time favourite bands.
What id like to do is spend that money he would have on a ticket and gas money traveling up to Christchurch on our house. Have it go towards finishing the fence and fixing bits and pieces. It wouldn't be much money but its almost half what we need to fence part of our section (thats building the fence ourselves).

So who am i going to be? The green eyes sulking in the corner, or the controlling banshee.

I hate dilemmas!!

p.s i love Madisons milky smell.

Drama, Shenanagins and Absurdities

I opted for posting it seen as it has been a big part of my life lately and this is my journal. I am not making her out to be a bad person in the slightest. But if anything this is a good example of how mental illness can affect not only the life of the sufferer but those around them and those that are trying to help. Maybe this entry might help someone.
Carol i do love you.


Every time my dearest Mother in law puts on a show (which so happens to be every 10 weeks), she gets rather stressed. Most of the time she release her stress onto those that are near to her, which so happens to be Jakob and I.

My last entry talked about her latest stress and drama and thats the "normal" kind of hissy fit she has when she is stressed. But little did we know that that was only the first straw on the camels back.

Monday - We didn't really have much to do with her. We just let her have her space. We had stopped going around to her house on Mondays for dinner due to it was getting to stressful on the children. The nights we would go around, they wouldn't have their dinner till the time they normally go to bed. It was getting rather hard to control them when we got home and far to stressful on Jakob and i.

Tuesday - Jakob and Devin drove out to the airport to pick up Johanna and Kyan (Jakobs sister and her son who is the same age as Devin) By the time they get back we only had a mare 2 hours to go to the grocery shop before Jakob was due at the days rehearsals. We opted to not take the children to rehearsals due to Mums previous hissy fit. We also informed Mum that we will most likely not be coming round for dinner at her house seen as we will have dragged our kids to the shows all day and they need to be in bed by 7pm. There was also stressed involved with not having enough bookings for the show and we may not be able to make budget.
She rung us that night complaining about something and from the sounds of things (Jakob was talking to her) she was saying that we don't care about her, that no one cares about her and that shes not important enough to spend gas money on to go have dinner. Which is not true in the slightest. Jakob offered her that he would bring her back to our house after the show and drop her back off later if she so liked. That way she can spend time with her daughter and grandchildren- esp Kyan.

Wednesday - Got up and started getting ready to head to the show. I put dinner in my lovable slow cook and put extra in for Carol if she decided to come back to our house. I was somewhat apprehensive about going seen as i had no idea how she was going to be. But she kept her distance to the point that she paid practically no attention to her daughter she hardly sees and her grandchildren.
That night on the phone again (i can't remember who called who) her and Jakob where again arguing. This time about the lack of bookings and if she would change her answer machine message to add a cell phone number then they may get more bookings. But her being her would not change it. Why? I don't know. I can only assume that it was to much hassel for her. I would hate to have a life where simple tasks where to much hassel to do. How can anyone live with such feelings?
Jakob was heading off to Young Mens and decided to go round and see her to try and talk to her and make some sense of whats going on. To try and figure things out and get peace back into everyones relationships. When he turns, she says something along the lines of "Oh what are you doing here, i need a break from you, you stress me out, the very sight of you annoys me. The sight of you makes me sick". I was not there and so therefore cannot comment on the conversation that took place. I do know that Jakob threatened to quite the show and he also said that he will no longer be there for her the way he has been.
After he gets back from YM , we get a phone call from his brother William saying that she has had someone over for the last 2 hours learning Jakobs lines. He then rings her and all she can say is "you're fired you're fired you're fired you're fired you're fired you're fired". Some time during the night, if it was said at her house or on the phone im not sure but he did say to her that if she fires him then bad things will happen. She took that as he was abusing his Priesthood by saying that. But it has nothing to do with Priesthood. Its true, if she fired him then bad things would happen. She cannot train someone up in one night to play a main role, the show would look a mess and completely unprofessional and it would flop. Bad things.

Thursday - I was so worried about going to the show because i have no idea what her reaction will be with us turning up. We dropped Jakob off and headed off the find a park. As we walk into the theater, all we can here is "you're fired you're fired you're fired you're fired you're fired" She is saying this with a funny smile on her face as her head is bobbying side to side. goodness me. She then rants and raves about how hes stressful and he abuses his Priesthood. I had enough. I just had enough and her being angry at us for no reason just frustrated me. So many times ive seen jakob so happy about something but then when he rings her to tell her she brushes him off and takes away his happiness. it sux to see that happen. So i jump in and say something along the lines of (i can't remember word for word what i said) "You bring this on yourself, All the stress and troubles in your life are cause by you and your laziness" she then then jumps in and says
"i don't care, i love you Alicia"
"I love you too but what kind of mother says to her son i need a break from you, you stress me out, the very sight of you annoys me, the sight of you makes me sick?"
I walk away feeling so angry and shacking because im so scared of confrintation and i have never said anything like that to her. I have always been far to worried about how she will react if i ever tell her how her actions affect me. Ive always kept quiet just to try and keep the peace and not cause her more stress. Even if what she has done throws me into a depression.
Just before the show is due to start, she goes back stage and starts swearing at Jakob rather loudly in front of half the cast and we in the front row of the audience can hear her yelling. she turns to run away and Jakob grabs her and wraps his arms around her and she then falls to the floor in a panic attack.
later that night we get a phone call from her saying she has admitted herself into a mental hospital and needed us to go deal with her children. While Jakob was over there he changed the answer phone message. In the end we got and extra $200 we would not have otherwise gotten if it was not changed.
We then find out that she hasn't admitted herself to hospital, she has just taken herself into emergency psych services (E.P.S) and that she would be going home that night.

I am glad that she went there because she really needed to. But i can't help but wander if it was me that pushed her to it seen as i got in her face and said what i did. But i suppose it doesn't matter if it was what i said or not because she needed help and i don't think she would have gone and gotten help unless she was pushed right to breaking point.

She is still to this day holding grudges against Jakob and I and has also lashed out at Johanna as well. I know she has told anyone and everyone about what happened and has made it out that both Jakob and I abused her. Thats hurtful. I do feel though that i could have said what i did in a more calm manor and not in the heat of the moment. I did however keep what i said relevant to the drama that was going on but i had the thoughts and pain from everything she has ever done.

I still love her and im so happy to know that she is getting the help she needs.
Knowing that this is all happened because she had a melt down and if her mental health wasn't the way it was then none of this would have happened, helps me to be able to forgive her and move on with my life and family. but just because i forgive her doesn't mean that our relationship will go back to the way things used to be. I will never forget what she can be like and keep my eyes open and try to jump out of the way when she starts rolling out of control. That is if she ever can come to the realization that this has all be caused by her mental health and not because Jakob and I are these nasty abusive people and start talking to us again instead of yelling at us.

This has affected my family in a highly negative way. Both Jakob and I are mentally drained. Jakob is spending a lot of time in bed and im rather snappy with my children. This is why i need to forgive her. I see forgiveness as something you need to do in able to let go of the pain you carry. It is not something to do just to make who ever offended you feel better. It is something you do in order to make yourself feel better. If you never forgive someone then you will forever carry that person and what they did around with you. Forgive them and let it go, then you free yourself from them and the pain they caused. If you never forgive then you will forever have anger, hate and bitterness within you and who wants that in their lives.

So Carol, im over this and the pain and anger you have caused my famliy. I forgive you and i let go of all wrongs that you have done. That dose not mean though that i am ready to be all buddy buddy with you. It just means that i am no longer going to let what has happened affect me and my children anymore. I love you and im glad to see you are getting the help you need.

In laws ..... Out-lawed!!!!!!! continued

I have a post in the making that im unsure if i should publish or not.
It depicts the rest of her hissy fit she had after i wrote my last blog.
Im questioning about if i should publish or not.
This was a huge meltdown for her and she became very mentally ill.
I still love her and in respect for her i do not think it is right to publish her mis-doings while she was sick.
But she seriously hurt everyone around her including Jakob and i and if our children where older they would have been hurt as well. They were already affected by it through stressed and hurt parents. And shes still going, and the pain and stress she has caused has far but died away. This is not the first time she has done something like this.
Jakob and I feel that she has smeared our names through the mud to anyone who will listen and thats hurts. So do i want to smear her name through the mud? I have written the blog in honesty and attempted to do so without running her down and showing her disrespect. Although her actions are far from pleasant and do show her in a bad light, hence my dilemma...

To post or not to post???

In laws ..... Out-lawed!!!!!!!

In Laws.
Im sure anyone and everyone who has them could right a few blogs or two on them and how they affect their lives.

It took Jakob about 4 years to "warm up" to my parents. Now he says " Everything your parents have done or said to us have been right and they have always had our best interests at heart" Although at the time they where doing something he didn't always have that point of view. He feels like he has got a pretty good deal when it come to In laws.
Me, well i would say that i have been blessed with non monster like In laws. Ive never meet my farther In law because he passed away before i meet Jakob. But everyone says that he would have liked me, and I don't have a bitter rivalry with my mother in law on how im not up to her standards on how a mother should be.

I love my mother in law. Love her enough to call her mum and have her present at the birth of Devin and Madison (we were in a different city when Jahshia was born but if we were in Dunedin then she would have been there to) I feel i need to add that disclaimer in right now. Not only to let anyone who may read this know, but also remind myself that i do really love her despite what she may do.
Although at the moment she is not in my "good books" and i don't think im in hers. She is a drama queen in all aspects of the term. She is an amazing child author and playwright and she teaches drama as well. She lives and breaths drama. And if there is no drama happening in her life, then she will create one by causing some sort of an issue. Most of the time when this happens, Jakob and i are the center of the problem.

Her latest one ....

Every school holidays she puts on a childrens play. It is show week starting tomorrow and the last week Jakob has been at rehearsals almost every day. Last holidays, our kids really missed their dad because they hardly saw him. They mad their feelings show by many hissy fits and screams for their daddy. Also Jakob missed them. He loves his kids and loves spending time with them. So this time Jakob would take one child to rehearsals with him so that can have time with daddy. Problem solved. But no. This time my mother in law has decided to pick on this and cause a big drama over it. She somehow feels like her shows have become a babysitter for my kids while i "have a break", and has gotten rather angry about it, which has cause a lot off ill feelings around us. I never asked Jakob to take the kids with him so i can have a break. We talked about it because Jakob wanted his kids with him and his kids need him. Yes a break for me was one of the benefits of him taking one of the three children, but was not at all part of the conversation or made into a point on which it persuaded our views on weather to take a child or not. The only reason why they went with him was to spend time with him. No one else minded that Devin or Jahshia was there.

Im not wanting to go to the show now. I do not feel welcome. I don't even feel that my children are welcome and its a childrens show. Right now i don't feel like i have the emotional energy to deal with her hissy fits and made up dramas.

I could spend hours on talking about the different dramas she had caused and aimed at us over the last 4 years but I do love her and we need to keep the past in the past.

It has left me though with one thought....
Will she ever stop throwing her dramas on us?

Baby Blues

After writing this entry i wasn't exactly sure if i wanted to post it. Its rather personal and talks about things that id rather keep locked in my little black box of forbidden feelings.
But i am trying to be more honest with myself. I also found it rather therapeutic and thought i would shear due to the fact that im not the only one that feels this way so why keep it hidden. Also this is supposed to record my thoughts and feeling, good or bad.
So here goes ......


I love my kids. I really do. But im not having anymore. Anyone who thinks other wise can go run away.
After having Jahshia i suffered the baby blues. Its not a fun thing to experience feeling absolutely weighed down by all the new responsibilities you have on top of the ones you already have.
Honestly there were days that i walked out the house, leaving screaming kids behind and tearfully saying to Jakob "i can't do this, i don't want them, they are your kids now."

I got through it and settled down to raising our then two beautiful children.
I was rather apprehensive when Jakob later on starting his talks about adding yet another mischief to the herd. But i thought that our marriage was stronger than it has ever been before, he had become more helpful around the home and i gave him a huge talk about how "being pregnant isn't easy" and if he felt he could deal with a tearful, bipolar like, wale of a wife then ok, we will go for another one. He was much more supportive this time than with the other pregnancies, but i was still worried about what would happen afterwards. Would those formidable baby blues brake into my "meant to be happy" world and shatter everything to a puddle of broken tears, slammed doors and cries of "i can't". This is what ive feared more so than giving birth. Sure there is a chance that they wont even look my way seen as the first two pregnancies where somewhat troubled. With Devin our marriage was, well lets just say it wasn't the healthiest of relationships which carried onto the pregnancy with Jahshia. While i was pregnant with her, our relationship took a nose dive into separation. It was a time of blended emotions, shattered hearts and sleepless nights. Jakob was not well and i wanted him to know that i would be there for him when ever he needed me and in doing so suffered many broken hearts while watching him fix himself. He is now nothing like he used to be. He is not the man i married and im so happy for that. But during that time i did regret being pregnant and even contemplated adoption. But before i gave birth we where on track to fixing our lives and building a happy home. I'd always thought that maybe the turmoil times of the pregnancy gave me more of a predisposition for the baby blues to sneak their way into my world.

But why now? What have i done this time that has sent an invite to the much unwanted depressive monster.
He is forever banging at my door. Sometimes i can ignore that incisive noise from his banging, but other times i give in and the stench from his poisonous attitude comes seeping into my thoughts.

Not long after a gave birth, someone who will remain nameless had interpreted a blessing Madison had and told us that we were going to have two more children. I was far from amused. In fact that swung the door wide open for the monster to come in and devour all my happiness. I was in tears. How am i going to have two more? I had just started to think about going to uni when Madison is older. So when do i have these two more? Do i continue on with having all my children at once and getting it "over and done with" which means i still have five years or so of tiered sleepless nights. Or do i go to uni and have these two other children when ive finished and put off going to work for a few years. Or do i try and do everything all at once. All these questions added very unwanted and unnesessary stress which resulted in anger and tears. It wasn't until i talked to Jakob about it that he gave me a blessing and the nasty monster started packing his bags and sadly left. But he didn't want to leave. He turned right around and once again started his knocking.

Recently his vile ooze has been seeping through again. Im physically and emotionally tiered. I feel i have no more strength left to hold the door closed and block all the gaps so he can't creep in. My checks are sore from the salty rivers flowing down my face. Im sure if our house had feelings he would be rubbing his wounded door frames and nursing his poor ear drums.

It's not easy getting up at 7am and being with children right up until midnight. Yes some days i do get a nap but it's not always enough. Im sick of having mindless 3year old conversations about how "bees are in my mouth" and "butterflies eat bees" "talk to me mummy" "why" and all those odd things 3year olds think. They are funny and endearing but right now im just not in the mood.
Then there is trying to understand what "bler der berr" means. I was always told that girls pick up speech faster than boys, but not in this case. She understands pretty much everything we say, she just wont say anything. She's driving my car to insanity with me locked in the boot.
Then there is a baby that loves cuddles. Sure it's fine if she is the only one i have but trying to hold her and deal with everything else around me is getting to much. And shes a tummy sleeper which is a HUGE no no. We can't sleep her on her tummy for fear she will suffer from S.I.D.S (sudden infant death syndrome a.k.a cot death). I have tremendous troubles trying to get her to sleep on her back. She wont settle properly but as soon as i turn her on her tummy (which isn't often) she falls asleep almost instantly. So what am i suppose to do. Sleep her on her tummy and live in fear about how safe she will be, or stick with the sleeplessness and slow road to insanity?
Then there is all the none children stresses.
Jakob still spending money on things he doesn't need when our credit cards look rather unhealthy. We had a huge argument the other day when he bought yet another pair of shoes (he now has 16 pairs of shoes) that are the same style as most of his other ones, just another colour. Sure ok they were only $15, but does someone really need 16 pairs of shoes. He asked me to help him give up spending but so far i have not been successful. He just gets annoyed at me if i tell him he doesn't need to buy the millionth item of something.
The cold. I hate the cold. Huddled in my lounge late this afternoon feeling the cold bite my toes and watching my icy breath appear, i just burst into tears.
Im so thankful that we have the opportunity to have our own home. I just think the responsibility of owning is getting me down. There is some work that needs to be done but i have no idea where we are going to get the money to do it. This is something that i think about a lot and is getting me down and opening that door for the monster.
How do i balance out my life and worries? I feel i have so many concerns at the moment and they are all weighing me down. I need time to myself just to worry about myself. But unfortunately its not possible right now. I have this cute bundle of terror that i must have with me at all times. Right now im feeling and asking myself "Why did i do this again"
I can't be bothered doing this again and will not be doing this again. I really don't like this feeling and im over having children. I know this is just a stage of having children and it will be over but once its over thats it, im not going back here. Ive reached my limit.
And as much as i think he is, Jakobs not a mind reader, so i need to stop getting angry at him for not knowing how im feeling when i don't even tell him. I wish he was tho. When ive snapped at him, its not easy to turn around and tell him whats on my mind because he doesn't really want to listen to my rants when hes grumpy at me. And i don't blame him.

Ive just been painted blue lately.