My little secret.

Over the last few months, there is something that has been going on in the background of my life. I have kept it somewhat quiet in order to minimize what could be unnecessary stress, worry and concern. I try to look at life with the thought of " Life happens and it is our job to live it, not to sit about and worry all the time." Although I am not perfect at holding to that principal, I do strive to hold tight to it.
The time has now come that I am able to draw a conclusion to this hic-up in my journey through life, and so I have decided to write a post about it
I have been contemplating how I would tell this story and what exactly I would say, but I wrote a diary entry on Thursday and have decided that sharing that entry would be best seen as it sums the story up nicely and the thoughts that i had during the time.
Warning: This is a long diary entry, so i hope you have time to read.

Thursday 6th January 2011

Today is a significant day. Not only is it the first entry of 2011, but I had a scan today.

Round the beginning of November last year, I found a lump in my left breast. Despite the fact that I had finished breast feeding (mischief 3) about March/April the previous year, I was still mildly lactating and after talking to mum, I thought it might be a blocked duct. So I attempted - completely out of practice - to express the lump away. A lot of stuff came out, but the biggest thing I achieved was giving myself a lovely big bruise.
So the very next day, I toddled off to the Dr. Even tho my G.P is awesome and I grew up with him, exposing my breast to him still felt very uncomfortable. But at the end of the day, I had to do it. Then came the talk about family breast cancer. My Dads Mum, My Dads Fathers Mother and I think there is more on that side but I can't remember. And of course, my personal history with cancer.
We had a talk about things. He could not say for certain, but his ideas are leaning more towards something like a cyst. He sent off a referral to get an ultrasound of the lump.
So I waited and waited. Telling very little people as not to scare, stress and worry people unnecessarily. Got annoyed when Mum told siblings because Nerissa especially worries.
But I started to laugh and joke within myself and those who knew, about how awesome it would be to get a double mastectomy and get bigger breasts, seen as I'm the one in the family that was not gifted with such voluptuous assets and often had that pointed out to me by none other than my Mother. Not to shine a bad light on her, she said it a lot while making my brides maids dress for Nerissa's wedding. She is making all the dresses, so she intimately knows everyones size. Bigger, firmer would be good. Breast feeding 3 kids doesn't help. But no regrets.
After two months of rigorous checking to make sure it was not getting bigger, or smaller, although that would have been good, I finally got my scan.
The mischiefs went to my folks place while Nerissa looked after them and my Mum came with me. Even tho I'm 27 with children of my own, there are still times in a girls life when she needs her Mum. She was there when I gave birth 3 times, so of course she is there when I scan a lump.
I turn up and start filling out the form. Name, D.O.B, When did I find the lump? Where is it? Any other symptoms? Any Family history with Breast Cancer? etc..
As I was filling out the form, I got the first wave of nerves with all of this. So far I've been pretty good. "I can't change anything, so why worry" has been my attitude. Nerves made it more real.
I was then called into the room. Got explained to about what they were doing, then took my tops off and i laid on the bed waiting for the specialist.
Quick Hi's and questions, then I was exposed once more. Uncomfortable but it had to happen. Deep breath, it's ok, He does this all the time. He doesn't care what they look like. Just relax.
Found the lump straight away. About 1cm (100mm). Yeah that was my estimate. White lines coming off it indicates a more benign nature, that's ok ... but it's nobly. Hmm. Could be like a cyst thing but not 100% sure. More tests needed. First one I can do is a mammogram. So again more exposing, touching and prodding. It wasn't as bad as others who have had them said they were. But I'm much smaller than those people. Next step, booked a biopsy 8am Monday morning to get a sample of the cells.

Is this the beginning of a long journey and battle, or just one of those road bumps in life that tend to catch your breath for a second?
I would say that right now i still have the attitude of "I can't change anything, so why worry" but It's slightly different. I'm worried about the journey ahead and how it will affect those around me. I'm not an island, so I know this will affect people. I seem to think we are all swimming in the sea of life. Any move someone makes sends ripples out that touch and affect everyone. We do very little in this life that affects solely us.
I'm not worried about death. When it's time to go, it's time to go and there is very little you can do to change it. I know where I'm going and I have a strong faith that is the rock of my sanity. But I also know it's not my time to go back home just yet. There are still things I need to do and been asked to do in my life that have not yet been finished. So I am very much needed here.
What worries me is how big this could be and how life changing it can be, not only for me, but my family and close friends, and to a degree, anyone I know and anyone I meet because of it. How hard will this journey be? Will it be quick and easy, or long and painful? I don't know, and that scares me. I don't like not knowing. I'm strong enough to get through this, or at least I think I am, But are my kids? Are my family?
Deep Breath. What ever happens happens. Accept it and love life xx

..................................................

So Monday morning, I got up, got myself ready and made my way to my parents house by 7.30am. My Mischiefs had stayed the night there so I didn't need to wake them up and force them out the door in the early morning.
Mum and I made our way back to Canterbury Breast Care. More nerves, more waiting. I finally went back into the ultrasound room and had to endure more exposing myself. I want to say that the needle was massive, but I feel that gravely understates the size of it. It was roughly the thickness of a knitting needle and it had another needle that would shoot out of it and collect worm like samples of tissue. They had to make a decent size nick in my skin to help get the needle in. They also used the ultra sound to guide the needle to get a decent sample. They did this 3 times. It was rather uncomfortable even with local anaesthetic, but extremely fascinating to watch. When that was done, a 20min wait was needed to make sure the needle site was ok and I was not bleeding too much. Then the waiting game was on. I had to rest, no exercise or swimming. I was not able to go for my run, or even swim my laps. I was a bit frustrated with that, but it was worth the sacrifice.
Monday ticked by, then so did Tuesday and it ended with no word of results. I took a deep breath, and rung my Doctor this afternoon...
I can now breath again. Results are in and it is just a Fibradenoma.
Such relief. I am so thankful that I do not have to go through anything more serious right now and I don't have to make my kids go through any more drama just yet. A nice quiet life from now on would be bliss.

I don't need a man.

Right now I am feeling oh so proud of myself. My self worth and love are sky rocketing to the moon in a rocket ship made of warm fuzzy happy feeling. I am so epic!

Now there is indeed a reason to my joyous mood and if you bare with me, I will endeavor to explain before you start thinking that I'm some egotistical maniac that you must hunt and tie up. And please I beg of you not to try and "pop my bubble" or "my big head", It's few and far between in which I encounter this feeling. So please, oh please, let me ride with it.

Back in the first 18 months of my marriage to Jacob, we decided it would be a fun idea if we bought a gazebo. Now I say 18 months because we bought it near the end of living at Richardson Street but I can't remember exactly when that was. It saw a few good times at Richardson Street. A Christmas with family just before we moved up to Christchruch and a Birthday bbq for Jammie and I. See aren't we all having fun in the gazebo.



When we packed up and moved to Christchurch, we unfortunately moved to a house with very little section. No where near enough yard to erect this structure. She sat in our spare garage along with many other things.

A year later, we moved back to Dunedin and moved to North East Valley. The back yard we had, contained ample room to allow the gazebo to show off all her glory once more. That thought excited me. Oh i had many plans for my beloved gazebo but alas, when I suggested to Jacob that we whip her out and have some pleasant shade, He replied with a "Oh, its broken, pieces are missing". Heart broken was I. She sat in our shed, lonely in our shed. Deprived of the glory she so fittingly deserved. Broken, battered, missing polls, this can't be the life she expected.

Once again we moved to our house we bought. She again, sat cold, lonely and now dusty under our house. Over two years she sat there surrounded by all the other long forgotten about junk that tended to follow us where ever we moved. I often thought about her. Thinking how fun it would be if she was able to be put together. I toyed with the idea of buying a new one, but my budget never allowed for it.

As I was cleaning out my house in the plans to move my kids and I back to Christchurch, I came across my beloved gazebo and felt a pang of guilt. For I had started to forget her. I looked at her crumpled on the dirt floor smelling like the neighbours cat and decided to bring her with me, in the hopes to wash her and somehow replace her missing polls. When we arrived in Christchurch, she again was put in the garden shed and has sat there cold, alone and dusty. Until today.

Today I got her out of the shed. I washed her and hung her to dry. I turned to the bag of polls and and decided I would try and see what polls are missing. To my horror, the instructions were missing and the information on what and how many polls there should be was no where to be found either. I sighed and had the thought that the only way I am going to figure out what I need to replace, was to try and put her up again. So off I started. I figured out the roof and found nothing missing there, so I draped her canvas over the top. I then found her legs and with a little help from mischief numbers 1 and 2 her legs were in place. I tied her ropes down, and with an excited giggle, my beloved gazebo was shinning with all her brilliance once more.

Look at her, so pretty.
Jacob probably couldn't be bothered putting her up so he told me she was broken.

So what does this have to do with my egotistical mood and my un-need for a man? I would be asking that very same question if I were reading this as well. Simple answer ..... I did it by myself. No male input was needed and no instructions were looked at. I figured it out all on my own. Then I also started to think ....
*I made a kit set DVD stand all on my own.
*I can sort out a computer and set it up and put it together including the internet on my own.
*Come to think of it, I can do that for all of the house hold electrical gadgets.
*I can mow the law and I actually enjoy it. Yes I know the lawn at the moment needs to be done, but I have no mower.
*I can do the rubbish on my own.
*I can fill my car with petrol on my own.
*I can even change the tire if needs be.
*I can sort my budget and pay my bills all on my own.
*I can do all those so called "manly" tasks all on my own.

But, just because I may not need one, doesn't mean that I do not want one around the house. One would be much appreciated, that is for sure.

Disclaimer

I would just like to point out that i am not a feminist. If anything i am and equalist, if thats anything at all. I believe we all have our roles and responsibilities in this life and not one is greater than the other but instead they go hand in hand with each other.

I opted to put this here from another post I had done just in case people get the wrong idea and start thinking I'm some faminazi. Faminazis annoy me by the way, but that's a completely different post all together.!

Mischief Number 3

My Mischief number 3 is often a delightful bundle of cuddles.
She is a joker, a cheeky little tike, and a performer.
This afternoon as I sat on my bedroom floor helping the kids paint, she was swinging on my neck giving me cuddles. I ever so kindly (because that's how mothers always talk to their children ;) ) asked her to stop swinging so I could help with the painting. My request was responded with a huff and an immediate down-trou and waving her bare behind around while making "amusing" noises. As i looked at her waving behind, I came to realize that even tho her Father has not been in her life as much as he had for the other two, he has defiantly influenced her in some things.

Posting again .. sort of.

Yay I'm posting again, sort of.
Its been almost a year (about 9 months to be more exact) Since I have posted, unless you count the one before this, but I'm not.

I decided a while ago that I was going to start posting again, and I promised I would. So after a few months of sitting at the computer going to start a post and then not, I finally did.
So please bear with me while I get back into the flow of blogging and sifting through my thoughts and choosing which ones I want to talk about, which ones I will most likely get my head bitten off if I do post it, and which will cause a lot of trouble for people (although that could be ... um .. fun, for a bit. Then I'd get my head bitten off.). The hard thing about this is, that most of the things I would love to talk about (and probably need to in order to get them off my chest) falls into all of the aforementioned categories.
So again, please bear with my sporadic postings and absolute random musings while I try and get my bearings adjusted and my head screwed on in the proper place.

Although I am going to have a vent while putting my head on the chopping block...

I don't like lairs.
And that's all I can say. I started saying more but then i got to carried away and said to much and had to edit. That was the safest place to edit back to. Boy do i miss my gym and letting rip on the punching bags.
Oh dear, I just need to go to bed.

A sheepish day

I picked Devin up today at lunch time when his Kindy finishes. We arrive home and as i finish closing the gate and turn around to walk down my garden steps, i catch a glimpse of the neighbours dog heading down the side of my house. It was only for a split second then his backside disappears round the corner. My neighbours dog is a large medium size dog, fluffy coat of a light cream colour. He often gets out of his create during the day and roams in my yard. I was not the only one that noticed the dog, Devin to noticed it, but not the same way as i did.

Devin "Mummy there is sheep in our house"
Mummy "No honey, that was the neighbours dog"
Devin "No Mummy, it was a sheep"
Mummy "The neighbour dog is shaggy and could look like a sheep sometimes"

He just left it at that, he wasn't going to push the subject.
Madison was falling asleep in my arms, so i unlocked the house, took her to her bed then proceeded to go to the window to shut the curtains. As i went to the window, i took a glimpse outside to check on the dog and make sure he was ok, but i got surprise. Standing in my backyard were 3 sheep.

"See mummy, sheep are in our house."
"Yes Devin, you were right, there are sheep in our yard"

I tried to take photos of the 3 sheep, but alas, these sheep where somewhat sheepish and took off the moment i appeared in my yard.

After Madison woke from her afternoon nap, we went for a walk. An hour later we arrive home to find our backyard invaded yet again by sheep, but this time there were 4. I managed to get some photos this time before i herded them back down the driveway to where they belong.

Although would it be wrong of me to have one for dinner? The thought of roast lamb was very tempting.

Taken from my bedroom window.

Steering me down

Leaving to go back home.

Peshie found a little lamb,
Munching on some toast,
She shaved it down & wrapped it up,
It made the perfect roast!

Unknown illness and a walking Mischief

One Friday morning, i woke somewhat still tiered, but that is not unusual for me seen as the sandman often makes a bypass round my house and avoids putting me to sleep, or even keeping me to sleep. Not even the adult version in the form of little blue pills brings on the much needed cuddly sleep creature. But this is all irrelevant and inconsequential to that story that is about to unfold.
I got up and dealt with the day at hand. Went through the motions of getting the mischiefs their breakfast and dealing with the days normal issues when you have children.
At 1pm i bundled the mischiefs in the car and ventured out to do a few things before we need to arrive at a 1 year olds birthday party. The party was good, and the mischiefs had fun. At 3.30pm i start gathering everything and think about heading home. By the time i arrive home at 4pm im starting to feel a mild twinge in my throat. Only 3 hours later when the mischiefs were in bed my throat was becoming rather swore, my head was starting to pound and my chest was getting a twinge of pain. By 9pm i was lying in bed not really wanting to move, by body was starting to ache.
I was forever waking up that night finding it a struggle to breath. At one stage i had to find a bucket to have beside my bed because when ever i had a sip of water it did not feel like it would stay where it was meant to. What on earth could come on so fast and so viciously? When the mischiefs got up at 7am, i was unable to move. I was in a fair amount of pain from head to toe. The only thought i had was this is the flu, i have had the flu before and this was very much what i had felt like. Except this was slightly different. The aches and pains and the mildly blocked nose with a sore throat where all things i knew with the flu, except this not knowing if i could hold water down was something i had not experienced with this virus. Could this flu i have be the dreaded H1N1 Swine flu? Sometime that morning my Branch President of My church had shown up to give me a blessing. While he was there i rung the urgent doctors because i wanted to know what the difference was between the "normal" flu and swine flu. The nurse on the phone wanted me to come down and get checked out because she could tell that i was having difficulties breathing. So the hunt was on to find someone to look after the mischiefs while President took me to the Doctors because i was clearly in no state to drive and take myself. We found someone (amassing Esther and her awesome hubby Moo ... They need a post all of their own in order to give them the right gratitude that i have) so off i went. Luckily because i had trouble breathing and chest pain i was seen right away. But come to think of it, i don't think they believed me because they took my temperature (i was already so dopped up on panadole which not only is a pain killer but it brings your temperature down) and it was high but not extremely high, and even though it was painful to breath, my blood was still getting a very good amount of oxygen in it. They looked at my throat and saw it was red, so gave me some antibiotics and sent me on my way. Didn't tell me why my chest hurt or why my entire body felt like i had been thrown out of a 10 story building. I wanted to know what exactly was wrong with me. But i was far to much away with the fairies to even to think about asking what they thought was wrong with me before i stumbled back out the front door. Later that night Esther and Moo turn up and find me in my bedroom struggling to breath. My chest was hurting as much as what labour pains feel like and im not talking about those beginning stages of labour pains, i mean the full on take your breath away tears flowing down your face sore because you opted to not have drugs. I then got checked out again by someone, this time it was paramedics that Ester had called for, but they had said that i was ok and didn't exactly believe me that i had a flu.
Wow this is turning into a much larger post than i had anticipated. So cutting a long story short, I was extremely sick. Im not one to complain when im sick and it takes an awful lot to knock me off my feet. This mystery illness did. Was it the dreaded swine flu or some other nasty greebly that found its way into my system.

But during this ordeal, Mischief number 3 - Madison, decided to put one foot in front of the other and try out walking. She is now walking all around the house and enjoying it immensely. Although sometimes to much as she get over excited and falls down. That is when i to fall on the floor with fits of laughter.

Three walking mischiefs ... what ever shell i do?

Random Occurrence

Tonight for dinner i made scrumptious Home made burgers where i even make the beef patties ... mmmm yum. One thing i like in my burgers is an egg. I cracked open an egg and let it drop into they fry pan, this is what come out ......



Double Yolk Egg. How awesome am i ha ha.

A much needed catch up.

It has been almost 2 months since my last post, in which i am sorry about, but unfortunately i have had a some rather serious things to deal with that i did know where coming but they still knocked me for 6 when they happened. So, scene as it has been almost 2 months i feel it is time for a much needed update to my little life.

Well first off, an update of Jakob and I. Many of you know almost exactly what is going on in that department because the justice system is oh so kind to estranged wives and protecting them form the shame and embarrassment of the ordeal, so they did not grant name suppression which in tern landed him a story on the court page of the Otago Daily Times. That did really great things to my self esteem, self worth and dignity. If you don't know well then that's good, all you need to know is that is currently taking up residence in the Otago Corrections Facility aka Milton Hilton with a sentence of 2 years 4 month, which means his first parole hearing is due in February. Its odd that they can call it a Corrections Facility when all they do it lock you in a cell for most of the day and offer little if no support to correct the behaviour that found you locked up there in the first place. If they wanted to change the name from Jail to Corrections Facility then they should change the structure of it so its more fitting. If they are not willing to do that, then you may as well just keep the name of Jail. Political Correctness drives me insane.
Even though for the majority of this year, i have known that he was going to Jail, it did throw me somewhat. He did get longer than i had thought, but then again "do the crime, do the time". And that is very much his thoughts on the matter as well. It was still hard seen as i had been trying to keep what has been going on to myself, then suddenly everyone who reads the paper now knows the story. Although not a completely accurate version of events seen as the defense was made up of a twisted, vindictive, disgrace of a woman who doesn't deserve the title of Woman. I can not wait until Karma gives her a call and bitch slaps her around. Although that is a whole other post to vent about.
His court day happened on the 12th of May, only 2 days before our 3rd mischief Madison was to turn the beloved 1 year old. Since then i have been floating around trying to keep myself together. I have my good times and my bad. I've been swinging from wanting to sleep all the time to not even my little blue pills the doctor gave me are even helping me fall asleep.
I know that if you do the crime you have to do the time, but he was still a great support for me. He would still come over and take the kids off my hands so i can have some much needed me time and he would help me clean my house and also give me money when i needed. But now due to the justice system my support has been ripped away from my children and i and left me with very little in that department. There isn't much justice in that. The lest they could have done was give me some more support seen as they took my main support away. I had to fill out a form the other day for my parenting group, it asked for my next of kin - someone to contact if something was to go wrong. I sat there and almost cried and sadly turned to the group leader and asked "what do i write if i have no one?". That felt rather depressing.
I would say that i am going through the motions of grief. Right at this point i am going through anger. I am very angry right now and especially at Jakob for putting me in this situation. I never signed up for this. I signed up to be married for time and all eternity, not to be left to be a solo mum of 3 kids with absolutely no trust for anyone else to ever come into my life. What happened has left me very broken and i just seem to think that if my Husband can do what he did, then there is nothing stopping anyone else from doing it. Now I'm starting to ramble and that's not a good thing when i am in this mood. So anger .. I am angry, but i am not a vindictive person, so i will not do anything long lasting with that anger, for example burn all his cloths that he has left here. That's tempting, but i could never do that.
Due to Jakob being in Jail, he is about to declare himself Bankrupt. I spoke to my lawyer the other day about this and she is doing some research into how this will affect me. That is stressful, but then at least it will stop all the debt collectors from bombarding my house with phone calls and letters demanding Jakob to pay them.
The mischiefs are doing ok. They do miss their dad and love getting phone calls from him.
When Jakob went away i sat Devin down and i told him that Daddy had to move away for a little bit because he is in big boy time out. I thought he would not understand the term Jail or even Corrections Facility but i thought he would understand time out. I have also talked about the difference between big boy time out which daddy is having and little boy time out which Devin has. Calling it time out has saved me from embarrassment. As little kids are they do like to talk a lot about what pops in there head and Devin has told a fair few people that his daddy is in time out. To the people who do not know his situation, time out can mean anything, they would not immediately presume that he is referring to jail.
I have also put pictures of each child and their father beside their bed, so they don't forget what he looks like. I will never run their father down to them, no mater what has happened or will happen between Jakob and I. It is highly unfair to do so.

Other aspects of my life ... well there really isn't much to update you on that seen as there isn't much else to my life than looking after the kids and dealing with all that has happened.
I will try to post more often. My Wii may get repossessed due to the bankruptcy so ill need some other form on mind numbing entertainment. Not that posting is mind numbing, but playing odd games on Facebook is.

Lets play a game

This is a box.
This is a locked box.

I wonder what is in this box. Hmm.
Lets guess. It is a tool box but it does not have tools in it. So i want to know what you people may think is in this box. Take a guess and comment what you think is in this box.

THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX!!!


Come on guys, Im not going to reveal what it is until more of you guess!!

Robin Hood

For all those that have children and wish to entertain them over the holidays, My mother in law is again putting on one of her shows.
This time she has given me a minor role as the tooth fairy. This should give you an indication on what kind of show it is. Seeing a tooth fairy in the play Robin Hood is somewhat misplaced, but that is the nature of my wonderful mother in law. She writes some very funny childrens show and anyone in Dunedin, here are the details of the show if you would like to come.
Wednesday 22nd to Friday 24th, shows are at 11am and 2pm and on Saturday 25th, shows are on 2pm and 6.30pm. All tickets are $7 and is at the Globe Theatre.
If anyone is interested in coming, let me know and I will book you in. The theatre is a small one so it would be best to book.
If you have not guessed yet either, the recent picture of me under the title "queen mischief", that is me dressed im my tooth fairy costume. When Carol was writing the play, she felt the tooth fairy was somewhat gothic, so that is how she dressed me, and i let her do as she pleased.

My Super Hero

There have been a couple things later that have been weighing me down. Bothering me somewhat.

Thing 1 :
Im in debt buy a fair few hundred. Depression and lovely little plastic cards do not mix well, especially when you have a fair amount in the bank because its just before all your bills are due. And also it doesn't help you sort out your budget and i made a couple of huge mistakes like misjudging the week the mortgage came out and forgetting to put money aside one week for the next. Lets just say that the amount was over 500 but not yet near 1000. Debt is stressful. When Jakob found out i was in as much debt as i was, he jumped to it and found me a way out. I don't know exactly how he did it but i do know it was completely legal, But he just gave me all the money i was missing to make ends meet. I almost cried when he gave it to me. It was such a relief to finally say i had enough money again. Although it did come with a mild lecture about staying on top of things. Which was understandable and trust me everyone, im not making those mistakes again. I promise. Super hero to the rescue number 1.

Thing 2
I hate vans. I loath them. I unfortunately own one. One unpleasant thing i have found out about my van is that when it is wet, it fish-tails. Its not stable in the slightest. Going around corners i have to be at 20kph at the most and just because im driving straight, doesn't mean im safe. I've found that if i drive over any of the road markings, it can send the back of my van swaying and swerving. Its scary and i hate it. It only happens when it rains, but this is Dunedin, we are not known for our wonderful hours of sunlight all day. It has been hot lately but today i woke up and our house was in the clouds. I do not feel safe driving the van and when the kids are in the car it really worries me. One thing that has bothered me (but i have gotten used to it) is Jakobs impulse buying. Since we have been separated, he has ended up owning 2 cars due to impulse buying. At first i thought what a silly thing to do, but now im so thankful that he did. Because he did, i can now sell my stupid van and use the money to pay off Jakobs ford and then he will give it to me under my name. It means ill have to learn manual but thats ok. Without that car of his i would have had to trade in and then payed off the rest of a new car which i don't have the money for. The ford is the youngest of the cars and would be safer to drive. Super hero to the rescue number 2.

Thing 3
With 3 little kids its hard to keep up with housework. This whole time we have been separated, He has still come over and helped clean when i needed. One time i went to church and came home and found my house clean. I was amazed. He mentioned the other day that he wanted me to pick a day when i would go out for a while and he would come round and clean my house. Now that would be bliss. Super hero to the rescue number 3.

Im so thankful for all that he has done for me lately. Sure he has made my life complicated but he has also taken some huge burdens off my hands. He has shown me that even though we are not together, he is still there for me. This last weekend he has spent a fair amount of time with the kids as well. They absolutely love and adore their dad. I still love him lots, Well as much as an ex-wife/estranged-wife can/should/whatever hmmm.

Pumpernickle

Pumpernickle, that is an odd word. This word has been stuck in my mind for all day. Why? i have no idea. It just has been.

Jahshia has gone almost the whole week with no nappy but at night. Im so proud of her. If only Devin was this easy to toilet train.

To all those who have sent me texts to my Telecom number, my phone is dead. It wont charge. So for the time being, anyone on telecom, i can not contact you through text and most likely i do not have your number because i can not turn my phone on and i have no idea when i can get a new telecom seen as i am broke broke broke and more broke.

i think that is all i will say for the time being. Im about to go out for dinner.

Proud of my little girl.

Yesterday was a milestone in Mischief Jahshias life. She went the Whole day, from when she woke up to just before she went to bed, with no nappy on. She had no accidents either. I also know though that just because she went yesterday with no mistakes, doesn't mean she is toilet trained.

Oh how i can't wait till all my Mischiefs are toilet trained. No more nappies will be bliss.

Random ramblings

I feel the need to blog, but i lack a topic on which to blog about. So this will be about anything and everything that pops into my mind that i feel comfortable blogging about.

Well as you may notice my blog looks different. I finally figured out how to change my background and make it more personalized. So i hope you like. But if you don't, then oh well, to bad so sad because i do and its my blog.

How are the mischiefs you may ask. Well Devin is doing good. At the moment he is helping Jahshia learn to use the toilet. Jahshia is learning to use the toilet. Madison is doing so many new things. She really has come to life. She is now crawling, having regular sleep, eating 3 meals of solids a day and pulling herself up on things to stand up. I walked into her bedroom the other day and found her standing up in her cot.

The other day my Branch Pres. was over at my house and when he arrived i was in the midst of painting myself a picture. I love to paint and i find that i have more time to do so now that Madison is going to bed not long after the other mischiefs head off for the night. I find it rather therapeutic, which i need to add more therapeutic things into my chaotic little world. He asked me to seriously think about doing some paintings and selling them online. So when your Branch Pres. asks you to seriously think about something, its usually worth while to comply with his suggestions. So i ventured out yesterday and bought a couple of little canvases which i will paint and sell. See how that goes to see if i shall pursue this avanue in my interests.

I feel i must now end this random spew of thoughts. I have two delightfull mischiefs fighting over a cat. Poor poor cat. Cat must be rescued.

Messy mess mess mess mess mess messy

All i can really say, is that my life is rather messy at the moment. In the marriage front, its a mess. There is so much to clean up and i don't feel that all the damage has been completed as yet. But thats all i am saying on this matter. Im going to try and get back into blogging again. There is so much more to my life than a messy marriage. So i aim to find what else my life has to offer and blog about it. New year, New beginnings. Lets hope this year will be much better than last. Although so far, its not much better.

long time no talk

Sorry to all those who have emailed me and asked me when my next post is going to be.
It has been a while and it has been a very shaky part of this roller coaster ride i am stuck on.

Things are not well with me right now. Thats all i am going to say on the topic. Its just more of a warning for those who are somewhat addicted to my blog. I probably wont be posting much lately. Just lying in bed when i can i think.

My past catches up

For those who read my blog rather attentively and love to flip through all the comments that other interested readers may leave, you may have noticed a comment recently by someone from my past.

Darren is an ex-boyfriend of mine. We had a fairly big relationship back at the end of my teenage years. I just thought, he may be reading this, so i need to watch what i say ha ha. He was the guy i dated before i found Jakob. Although there was like a year in between that relationship ending and meeting Jakob. Thought i might make that clear just in case i look like a tramp or something ha ha.
I haven't seen or herd from him in about 5 or 6 years and he suddenly writes a comment on my blog. Although the oddest thing about it is, the day before the comment appeared, was the day Jakob and i decided we needed some "time out" and not talk to each other for a while. We were driving each other more so insane that what we already are.
We have talked a bit and caught up with what each other is doing in life and sorted out how he found me. When we were dating he had a friend called Pete. When Darren and i broke up, i stayed friends with Pete. We are still friends now. Hes the one that feed the ducks with me when i recently went up to Christchurch (post here). Pete was at a party the other night and found that Darren was at the party as well. So they chatted and caught up and Pete gave him my blog address. So that makes me more relieved hes not a stalker.
But it is odd that he just suddenly appeared out of no where the day after Jakob and i decided not to talk to each other. But i do not believe in coincidence's, things happen for a reason. And it just so happens that he has said a few things to me that have made me think. He will have no idea what it is he said or even what i am thinking about, but sorry Jakob i don't think its good for you. I'm not going to shear what i am thinking because it is rather personal. But he has made me think about the situation i am in and where exactly i am heading in life.
So who knows now where life will take me. Not that i knew anyways but i am now starting to think long a hard about a lot of things.

But its November

Its November right? Last month of spring down here in New Zealand right?

Then why did i wake up this morning to find a light dusting of SNOW, yes snow round my house. Its a month before summer and there is snow on the ground. This dose not make sense.

I would love to take pictures for those who do not believe me but alas, my camera is in the shop being fixed. I bought the camera 4 years ago and purchased a 5 year extended warranty with it. Im so glad i did now.

But snow? It makes no sense.

Chaos in a world of responsability.

I think im going rather insane. Well more so than what i was before. I got a new hair cut the other day and i put highlights in it as well. Red and blond. I wanted a mixture of thick chunky ones and thin ones but they only did thin ones, or if they did do fat ones they are no where near as fat as i wanted. So then i decided that i will get some more done and add purple and blue in it. Yes purple and Blue. See i am going ever more insane.

I am reverting back to my young teenage punk look, although i am leaving my old leather collar with a variety of spikes in my draw. I can and will admit that i see a therapist each week. I do not think that there is anything wrong with me talking to someone because of all the stuff that is happening in my life right now and also not long before all if it happened, the Doctor did put me on an anti-depressant due to Post natal depression and anxiety. Although it was more anxiety because i was doing some crazy "O.C.D tendency" things as my Doctor put it. So i have been seeing someone since then. Nothing wrong with that. But i was talking to her last week about painting on my walls and wanting my hair done and i realized that i have so much responsibility on my own now that i am "breaking out" and "breaking the rules" where im aloud. Causing Anarchy and Chaos to release the berdon of so much responsability.

I do have to admit that I'm having a lot of fun and i do feel a happines within myself that i had long forgotten. So, long may this last and and long may i remember who i am.

♥I am a Woman, a child of god, a princes in the kingdom of our Father in Heaven, Who likes to wear wings and rock out to music while painting on my walls.♥
♥Im a tough, hard, punk arse, rock chick ..... who has 3 kids and drives a pastel green mini van and has morals and standards♥
♥I am a conumdrum, a puzzel and full of contradictions♥

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Highlights the camera didn't pick up to well.

My arms i made the other day.

forbidden fun with a Cabby tat, and a brand new body.

Friday the 17th was a very anticipated day. That was the day that i got to drive out to the airport to pick up my best friend Catherine, or Cabby tat as i call her.
I meet her back when i was about 19 and thought i needed her as a friend. Turns out, my judgment was spot on. She was exactly who i needed at that time of my life and i think she will forever be someone i need in my life.
As soon as i told her that Jakob had left again, she looks online and starts organizing for herself to fly down from Wanganui.

I am so thankful that she came. She was exactly what i needed right now. We just have so much fun together and the dynamics of our friendship has not changed even with months and miles apart.

One thing that i am doing right now is making my bedroom MY bedroom. So what do i want to do in my bedroom more than anything else .... PAINT ON MY WALLS!
I now know why the little mischiefs like to draw on walls. Its so much fun. Before anyone starts to stress and worry about my walls i would just like to point out that it is MY house and the wall paper in my room needs to be replaced soon because it has mould stains on it and it is starting to peal. So i thought, why not have some fun and decorate things my way for once before i change the paper. Just right now in my life, i need to paint on my walls. Its so much fun and made me very happy.

Cabby Tat painting a star

Painting Bubbles

My Butterfly

I'll Be Better Now!

~~~~~~~

With all this stress that is going on in my life, i have lost a fair amount of weight. My cloths no longer fit me, so i went out yesterday and bought some new cloths.

I walked into Jay Jays and grabbed a size 14 because thats what i do. I actually picked a size 14 a couple of months ago and almost ran out the store crying because i couldn't squeeze into them, so i thought, i should be able to fit them now, right? I go to try them on and get a shock, not only can i do them up, but i can't keep them up. So i go and get a 12 ... same thing, still a bit loose. I then try a 10. How on earth can i squeeze into a size 10 pair of pants. So here are some pictures of my transformation. The last picture i have of myself was about 2 weeks before Madison was born.

Before

After