Time poor

I really wish that i had more time to blog. Blogging is fun and a way that i relax. If anyone can tell me how to make time go slower and give me more energy so that i can have more time to relax, it would be much appreciated.
Cheers

Would you really

Would you really stay strong? Would you really stay strong in the face of your worst nightmare?

I have tried so hard for so long to stay strong, but this year has been the hardest. From the end of last year to this current day, one of my worst nightmares has been playing out.

Last year i cried to my mum and said "what happens if blah blah blah happens? I don't think i will ever be able to cope with that if it happened." What i said to her was one of my worst nightmares. Most of you happy mormons will never have to worry about that happening to you, so you can say all you like about how you would cope, but would you really?
Since September last year it hasn't just been the one thing of Jakob walking away from the marriage, it has been blow after blow after blow as my nightmare unfolds, And today is going to be yet another blow. It has been blows both emotionally and spiritually. This nightmare is far from over and all i have herd from people is how everyone is gossiping and saying "Im not going to go out and do stupid things just becasue im not coping". Id love to see half of you deal with ALL i have to deal with and see if you stay strong.
I am alone in this. I have no family down here and my only friends are those in the church, or so i thought. The only person who checks in on my everyday and makes sure im still here is Jakob and he is having to move away today. He doesn't want to move away but he has no choice and must go. I realized the other day that anything could happen to me, i could die in my sleep from a stroke or something and no one will know for a few weeks. Its not odd at all for me no to see or hear from anyone for a few weeks. My closest friends live either in Christchurch or Wanganui and im stuck here without them. I can't move back home right now becasue i can not sell my house without getting into massive debt, and i can not rent my house out becasue i will still loose money if i do and i can't afford that. Right now, i am stuck in Dunedin with no help or support, only people who want to sit around and gossip. How fair is that?

This is not a blog about "woe is me", This is a blog about "do not judge or gossip". Gossip and judging distroys people, especially when they are getting distroyed from other things as well.

Do not judge me for reacting the way i am in the situation i have been forced into. Due to the selfish actions of others, i am hear in one of my worst nightmares. Stop judging and gossiping!!

Messy mess mess mess mess mess messy

All i can really say, is that my life is rather messy at the moment. In the marriage front, its a mess. There is so much to clean up and i don't feel that all the damage has been completed as yet. But thats all i am saying on this matter. Im going to try and get back into blogging again. There is so much more to my life than a messy marriage. So i aim to find what else my life has to offer and blog about it. New year, New beginnings. Lets hope this year will be much better than last. Although so far, its not much better.

long time no talk

Sorry to all those who have emailed me and asked me when my next post is going to be.
It has been a while and it has been a very shaky part of this roller coaster ride i am stuck on.

Things are not well with me right now. Thats all i am going to say on the topic. Its just more of a warning for those who are somewhat addicted to my blog. I probably wont be posting much lately. Just lying in bed when i can i think.

Bad day.

Today was a bad day.

Well the day wasn't bad. I had fun with the kids. Although Madison has now come out in chickenpox, but so far she is doing good. But after the kids went to bed, i feel apart.

I have been trying so hard to keep everything inside, and ignore the fact that my husband is no longer around. And he is no longer there. The man that i was sealed to only just a year ago is no longer there. There is just a someone who looks kind of like him that comes around to spend time with the kids, But the person inside is no longer there.

Devin i think is taking it the hardest. Never underestimate the understanding of a 3 year old. He knows that daddy isn't here so much, he knows he doesn't get to see his daddy as much anymore, he know that daddy doesn't get him up some mornings anymore and he knows that daddy doesn't sleep in mummies room anymore. And hes angry about it. He snobs Jakob when he comes round and he is making life somewhat difficult with his tantrum outbursts of demanding he needs of tv and cookies and refusing to do anything else. Recently he has become more defiant and angery.

Jahshia - Every time someone walks through the front door she screams "Dadad Dadad" and is rather put out if it is not him. She is such a daddies girl and she adores him.

I don't like seeing my kids like this, it breaks my heart.

Tonight was a bad night, i fell apart and cried so much. But tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow i will pick myself up and continue on with the things that need to be done.

Solo Mum

Well i feel that i need to write about this sooner or later, so why not do it now.
It will most likely be a short post, just because i do not want to dwell on this for too long.

Well as some of you know and some of you don't know, for the last month Jakob has been standing at the front door claiming he is leaving. Well On Monday night he finally did. He actually moved out to another house. Not just his mums or a friends for a bit but signed a 3 month lease on a room near the University.

I am trying to look at the positives of this situation because if i dwell on the negative then i become a big ball of blubbering mess that would never be able to get up in the morning.
So the positives are ...

• I can now make MY bed they way that I like MY bed to be made.
• I can now have MY bedroom the way I like it.
• I can now decorate MY bedroom and MY house the way I want to.
• It has forced me to look at my life and the things i need to improve on. Before the kids had Jakob to lean on when mummy was stressed, but now they don't so much, so my kids need me to fix me now. Hence the previous post.
• And lastly - Stress is a very good weight loss. Ive lost all the weight i gained by having the girls, now its just Devins weight i need to loose. And im starting to squeeze myself into some of my B.C cloths (B.C = Before children)

The things that are keeping me afloat at this time is daily prayers and lots of priesthood blessings. Without those, Id fall apart.

I don't want people to think badly about him because these things happen. So please no comments about how much of a jerk he is. I am angry, but anger isn't going to get me anywhere.
We were sitting at the bank the other day, getting separate bank accounts, and we were talking with the lady about Winz and how they see it odd that Jakob and i are on speaking terms. They expect us not to be. And i just said "look we have got kids together. We have to be friends and speak to each other. And we have already done the arguing and me trying to hit him with the car, its now time to be friends"
On Monday night when he was moving, i just fell apart. He was planning on going on Wednesday, which would have been fine because the kids would have been at pre-school and all i had to deal with was him moving. But Monday he came home and said he was leaving now, while i had screaming chickenpox scabbed kids refusing to go in the bath, then when they got in the bath they pooed. It was all to much for me to handle. All i wanted to do was get in the car, drive round the corner, park up and cry. But he wouldn't let me go and stood in front of the car. I didn't try to hit him with the car. I just edge it forward to try and get him out the way. When he left I then spent the rest of the night cleaning MY room and moving things around.

So that's whats going on in the little old life of mine right now. Solo mum.

Baby Blues

After writing this entry i wasn't exactly sure if i wanted to post it. Its rather personal and talks about things that id rather keep locked in my little black box of forbidden feelings.
But i am trying to be more honest with myself. I also found it rather therapeutic and thought i would shear due to the fact that im not the only one that feels this way so why keep it hidden. Also this is supposed to record my thoughts and feeling, good or bad.
So here goes ......


I love my kids. I really do. But im not having anymore. Anyone who thinks other wise can go run away.
After having Jahshia i suffered the baby blues. Its not a fun thing to experience feeling absolutely weighed down by all the new responsibilities you have on top of the ones you already have.
Honestly there were days that i walked out the house, leaving screaming kids behind and tearfully saying to Jakob "i can't do this, i don't want them, they are your kids now."

I got through it and settled down to raising our then two beautiful children.
I was rather apprehensive when Jakob later on starting his talks about adding yet another mischief to the herd. But i thought that our marriage was stronger than it has ever been before, he had become more helpful around the home and i gave him a huge talk about how "being pregnant isn't easy" and if he felt he could deal with a tearful, bipolar like, wale of a wife then ok, we will go for another one. He was much more supportive this time than with the other pregnancies, but i was still worried about what would happen afterwards. Would those formidable baby blues brake into my "meant to be happy" world and shatter everything to a puddle of broken tears, slammed doors and cries of "i can't". This is what ive feared more so than giving birth. Sure there is a chance that they wont even look my way seen as the first two pregnancies where somewhat troubled. With Devin our marriage was, well lets just say it wasn't the healthiest of relationships which carried onto the pregnancy with Jahshia. While i was pregnant with her, our relationship took a nose dive into separation. It was a time of blended emotions, shattered hearts and sleepless nights. Jakob was not well and i wanted him to know that i would be there for him when ever he needed me and in doing so suffered many broken hearts while watching him fix himself. He is now nothing like he used to be. He is not the man i married and im so happy for that. But during that time i did regret being pregnant and even contemplated adoption. But before i gave birth we where on track to fixing our lives and building a happy home. I'd always thought that maybe the turmoil times of the pregnancy gave me more of a predisposition for the baby blues to sneak their way into my world.

But why now? What have i done this time that has sent an invite to the much unwanted depressive monster.
He is forever banging at my door. Sometimes i can ignore that incisive noise from his banging, but other times i give in and the stench from his poisonous attitude comes seeping into my thoughts.

Not long after a gave birth, someone who will remain nameless had interpreted a blessing Madison had and told us that we were going to have two more children. I was far from amused. In fact that swung the door wide open for the monster to come in and devour all my happiness. I was in tears. How am i going to have two more? I had just started to think about going to uni when Madison is older. So when do i have these two more? Do i continue on with having all my children at once and getting it "over and done with" which means i still have five years or so of tiered sleepless nights. Or do i go to uni and have these two other children when ive finished and put off going to work for a few years. Or do i try and do everything all at once. All these questions added very unwanted and unnesessary stress which resulted in anger and tears. It wasn't until i talked to Jakob about it that he gave me a blessing and the nasty monster started packing his bags and sadly left. But he didn't want to leave. He turned right around and once again started his knocking.

Recently his vile ooze has been seeping through again. Im physically and emotionally tiered. I feel i have no more strength left to hold the door closed and block all the gaps so he can't creep in. My checks are sore from the salty rivers flowing down my face. Im sure if our house had feelings he would be rubbing his wounded door frames and nursing his poor ear drums.

It's not easy getting up at 7am and being with children right up until midnight. Yes some days i do get a nap but it's not always enough. Im sick of having mindless 3year old conversations about how "bees are in my mouth" and "butterflies eat bees" "talk to me mummy" "why" and all those odd things 3year olds think. They are funny and endearing but right now im just not in the mood.
Then there is trying to understand what "bler der berr" means. I was always told that girls pick up speech faster than boys, but not in this case. She understands pretty much everything we say, she just wont say anything. She's driving my car to insanity with me locked in the boot.
Then there is a baby that loves cuddles. Sure it's fine if she is the only one i have but trying to hold her and deal with everything else around me is getting to much. And shes a tummy sleeper which is a HUGE no no. We can't sleep her on her tummy for fear she will suffer from S.I.D.S (sudden infant death syndrome a.k.a cot death). I have tremendous troubles trying to get her to sleep on her back. She wont settle properly but as soon as i turn her on her tummy (which isn't often) she falls asleep almost instantly. So what am i suppose to do. Sleep her on her tummy and live in fear about how safe she will be, or stick with the sleeplessness and slow road to insanity?
Then there is all the none children stresses.
Jakob still spending money on things he doesn't need when our credit cards look rather unhealthy. We had a huge argument the other day when he bought yet another pair of shoes (he now has 16 pairs of shoes) that are the same style as most of his other ones, just another colour. Sure ok they were only $15, but does someone really need 16 pairs of shoes. He asked me to help him give up spending but so far i have not been successful. He just gets annoyed at me if i tell him he doesn't need to buy the millionth item of something.
The cold. I hate the cold. Huddled in my lounge late this afternoon feeling the cold bite my toes and watching my icy breath appear, i just burst into tears.
Im so thankful that we have the opportunity to have our own home. I just think the responsibility of owning is getting me down. There is some work that needs to be done but i have no idea where we are going to get the money to do it. This is something that i think about a lot and is getting me down and opening that door for the monster.
How do i balance out my life and worries? I feel i have so many concerns at the moment and they are all weighing me down. I need time to myself just to worry about myself. But unfortunately its not possible right now. I have this cute bundle of terror that i must have with me at all times. Right now im feeling and asking myself "Why did i do this again"
I can't be bothered doing this again and will not be doing this again. I really don't like this feeling and im over having children. I know this is just a stage of having children and it will be over but once its over thats it, im not going back here. Ive reached my limit.
And as much as i think he is, Jakobs not a mind reader, so i need to stop getting angry at him for not knowing how im feeling when i don't even tell him. I wish he was tho. When ive snapped at him, its not easy to turn around and tell him whats on my mind because he doesn't really want to listen to my rants when hes grumpy at me. And i don't blame him.

Ive just been painted blue lately.