The time has now come that I am able to draw a conclusion to this hic-up in my journey through life, and so I have decided to write a post about it
I have been contemplating how I would tell this story and what exactly I would say, but I wrote a diary entry on Thursday and have decided that sharing that entry would be best seen as it sums the story up nicely and the thoughts that i had during the time.
Warning: This is a long diary entry, so i hope you have time to read.
Thursday 6th January 2011
Today is a significant day. Not only is it the first entry of 2011, but I had a scan today.
Round the beginning of November last year, I found a lump in my left breast. Despite the fact that I had finished breast feeding (mischief 3) about March/April the previous year, I was still mildly lactating and after talking to mum, I thought it might be a blocked duct. So I attempted - completely out of practice - to express the lump away. A lot of stuff came out, but the biggest thing I achieved was giving myself a lovely big bruise.
So the very next day, I toddled off to the Dr. Even tho my G.P is awesome and I grew up with him, exposing my breast to him still felt very uncomfortable. But at the end of the day, I had to do it. Then came the talk about family breast cancer. My Dads Mum, My Dads Fathers Mother and I think there is more on that side but I can't remember. And of course, my personal history with cancer.
We had a talk about things. He could not say for certain, but his ideas are leaning more towards something like a cyst. He sent off a referral to get an ultrasound of the lump.
So I waited and waited. Telling very little people as not to scare, stress and worry people unnecessarily. Got annoyed when Mum told siblings because Nerissa especially worries.
But I started to laugh and joke within myself and those who knew, about how awesome it would be to get a double mastectomy and get bigger breasts, seen as I'm the one in the family that was not gifted with such voluptuous assets and often had that pointed out to me by none other than my Mother. Not to shine a bad light on her, she said it a lot while making my brides maids dress for Nerissa's wedding. She is making all the dresses, so she intimately knows everyones size. Bigger, firmer would be good. Breast feeding 3 kids doesn't help. But no regrets.
After two months of rigorous checking to make sure it was not getting bigger, or smaller, although that would have been good, I finally got my scan.
The mischiefs went to my folks place while Nerissa looked after them and my Mum came with me. Even tho I'm 27 with children of my own, there are still times in a girls life when she needs her Mum. She was there when I gave birth 3 times, so of course she is there when I scan a lump.
I turn up and start filling out the form. Name, D.O.B, When did I find the lump? Where is it? Any other symptoms? Any Family history with Breast Cancer? etc..
As I was filling out the form, I got the first wave of nerves with all of this. So far I've been pretty good. "I can't change anything, so why worry" has been my attitude. Nerves made it more real.
I was then called into the room. Got explained to about what they were doing, then took my tops off and i laid on the bed waiting for the specialist.
Quick Hi's and questions, then I was exposed once more. Uncomfortable but it had to happen. Deep breath, it's ok, He does this all the time. He doesn't care what they look like. Just relax.
Found the lump straight away. About 1cm (100mm). Yeah that was my estimate. White lines coming off it indicates a more benign nature, that's ok ... but it's nobly. Hmm. Could be like a cyst thing but not 100% sure. More tests needed. First one I can do is a mammogram. So again more exposing, touching and prodding. It wasn't as bad as others who have had them said they were. But I'm much smaller than those people. Next step, booked a biopsy 8am Monday morning to get a sample of the cells.
Is this the beginning of a long journey and battle, or just one of those road bumps in life that tend to catch your breath for a second?
I would say that right now i still have the attitude of "I can't change anything, so why worry" but It's slightly different. I'm worried about the journey ahead and how it will affect those around me. I'm not an island, so I know this will affect people. I seem to think we are all swimming in the sea of life. Any move someone makes sends ripples out that touch and affect everyone. We do very little in this life that affects solely us.
I'm not worried about death. When it's time to go, it's time to go and there is very little you can do to change it. I know where I'm going and I have a strong faith that is the rock of my sanity. But I also know it's not my time to go back home just yet. There are still things I need to do and been asked to do in my life that have not yet been finished. So I am very much needed here.
What worries me is how big this could be and how life changing it can be, not only for me, but my family and close friends, and to a degree, anyone I know and anyone I meet because of it. How hard will this journey be? Will it be quick and easy, or long and painful? I don't know, and that scares me. I don't like not knowing. I'm strong enough to get through this, or at least I think I am, But are my kids? Are my family?
Deep Breath. What ever happens happens. Accept it and love life xx
Round the beginning of November last year, I found a lump in my left breast. Despite the fact that I had finished breast feeding (mischief 3) about March/April the previous year, I was still mildly lactating and after talking to mum, I thought it might be a blocked duct. So I attempted - completely out of practice - to express the lump away. A lot of stuff came out, but the biggest thing I achieved was giving myself a lovely big bruise.
So the very next day, I toddled off to the Dr. Even tho my G.P is awesome and I grew up with him, exposing my breast to him still felt very uncomfortable. But at the end of the day, I had to do it. Then came the talk about family breast cancer. My Dads Mum, My Dads Fathers Mother and I think there is more on that side but I can't remember. And of course, my personal history with cancer.
We had a talk about things. He could not say for certain, but his ideas are leaning more towards something like a cyst. He sent off a referral to get an ultrasound of the lump.
So I waited and waited. Telling very little people as not to scare, stress and worry people unnecessarily. Got annoyed when Mum told siblings because Nerissa especially worries.
But I started to laugh and joke within myself and those who knew, about how awesome it would be to get a double mastectomy and get bigger breasts, seen as I'm the one in the family that was not gifted with such voluptuous assets and often had that pointed out to me by none other than my Mother. Not to shine a bad light on her, she said it a lot while making my brides maids dress for Nerissa's wedding. She is making all the dresses, so she intimately knows everyones size. Bigger, firmer would be good. Breast feeding 3 kids doesn't help. But no regrets.
After two months of rigorous checking to make sure it was not getting bigger, or smaller, although that would have been good, I finally got my scan.
The mischiefs went to my folks place while Nerissa looked after them and my Mum came with me. Even tho I'm 27 with children of my own, there are still times in a girls life when she needs her Mum. She was there when I gave birth 3 times, so of course she is there when I scan a lump.
I turn up and start filling out the form. Name, D.O.B, When did I find the lump? Where is it? Any other symptoms? Any Family history with Breast Cancer? etc..
As I was filling out the form, I got the first wave of nerves with all of this. So far I've been pretty good. "I can't change anything, so why worry" has been my attitude. Nerves made it more real.
I was then called into the room. Got explained to about what they were doing, then took my tops off and i laid on the bed waiting for the specialist.
Quick Hi's and questions, then I was exposed once more. Uncomfortable but it had to happen. Deep breath, it's ok, He does this all the time. He doesn't care what they look like. Just relax.
Found the lump straight away. About 1cm (100mm). Yeah that was my estimate. White lines coming off it indicates a more benign nature, that's ok ... but it's nobly. Hmm. Could be like a cyst thing but not 100% sure. More tests needed. First one I can do is a mammogram. So again more exposing, touching and prodding. It wasn't as bad as others who have had them said they were. But I'm much smaller than those people. Next step, booked a biopsy 8am Monday morning to get a sample of the cells.
Is this the beginning of a long journey and battle, or just one of those road bumps in life that tend to catch your breath for a second?
I would say that right now i still have the attitude of "I can't change anything, so why worry" but It's slightly different. I'm worried about the journey ahead and how it will affect those around me. I'm not an island, so I know this will affect people. I seem to think we are all swimming in the sea of life. Any move someone makes sends ripples out that touch and affect everyone. We do very little in this life that affects solely us.
I'm not worried about death. When it's time to go, it's time to go and there is very little you can do to change it. I know where I'm going and I have a strong faith that is the rock of my sanity. But I also know it's not my time to go back home just yet. There are still things I need to do and been asked to do in my life that have not yet been finished. So I am very much needed here.
What worries me is how big this could be and how life changing it can be, not only for me, but my family and close friends, and to a degree, anyone I know and anyone I meet because of it. How hard will this journey be? Will it be quick and easy, or long and painful? I don't know, and that scares me. I don't like not knowing. I'm strong enough to get through this, or at least I think I am, But are my kids? Are my family?
Deep Breath. What ever happens happens. Accept it and love life xx
..................................................
So Monday morning, I got up, got myself ready and made my way to my parents house by 7.30am. My Mischiefs had stayed the night there so I didn't need to wake them up and force them out the door in the early morning.
Mum and I made our way back to Canterbury Breast Care. More nerves, more waiting. I finally went back into the ultrasound room and had to endure more exposing myself. I want to say that the needle was massive, but I feel that gravely understates the size of it. It was roughly the thickness of a knitting needle and it had another needle that would shoot out of it and collect worm like samples of tissue. They had to make a decent size nick in my skin to help get the needle in. They also used the ultra sound to guide the needle to get a decent sample. They did this 3 times. It was rather uncomfortable even with local anaesthetic, but extremely fascinating to watch. When that was done, a 20min wait was needed to make sure the needle site was ok and I was not bleeding too much. Then the waiting game was on. I had to rest, no exercise or swimming. I was not able to go for my run, or even swim my laps. I was a bit frustrated with that, but it was worth the sacrifice.
Monday ticked by, then so did Tuesday and it ended with no word of results. I took a deep breath, and rung my Doctor this afternoon...
I can now breath again. Results are in and it is just a Fibradenoma.
Such relief. I am so thankful that I do not have to go through anything more serious right now and I don't have to make my kids go through any more drama just yet. A nice quiet life from now on would be bliss.
Mum and I made our way back to Canterbury Breast Care. More nerves, more waiting. I finally went back into the ultrasound room and had to endure more exposing myself. I want to say that the needle was massive, but I feel that gravely understates the size of it. It was roughly the thickness of a knitting needle and it had another needle that would shoot out of it and collect worm like samples of tissue. They had to make a decent size nick in my skin to help get the needle in. They also used the ultra sound to guide the needle to get a decent sample. They did this 3 times. It was rather uncomfortable even with local anaesthetic, but extremely fascinating to watch. When that was done, a 20min wait was needed to make sure the needle site was ok and I was not bleeding too much. Then the waiting game was on. I had to rest, no exercise or swimming. I was not able to go for my run, or even swim my laps. I was a bit frustrated with that, but it was worth the sacrifice.
Monday ticked by, then so did Tuesday and it ended with no word of results. I took a deep breath, and rung my Doctor this afternoon...
I can now breath again. Results are in and it is just a Fibradenoma.
Such relief. I am so thankful that I do not have to go through anything more serious right now and I don't have to make my kids go through any more drama just yet. A nice quiet life from now on would be bliss.
