I don't need a man.

Right now I am feeling oh so proud of myself. My self worth and love are sky rocketing to the moon in a rocket ship made of warm fuzzy happy feeling. I am so epic!

Now there is indeed a reason to my joyous mood and if you bare with me, I will endeavor to explain before you start thinking that I'm some egotistical maniac that you must hunt and tie up. And please I beg of you not to try and "pop my bubble" or "my big head", It's few and far between in which I encounter this feeling. So please, oh please, let me ride with it.

Back in the first 18 months of my marriage to Jacob, we decided it would be a fun idea if we bought a gazebo. Now I say 18 months because we bought it near the end of living at Richardson Street but I can't remember exactly when that was. It saw a few good times at Richardson Street. A Christmas with family just before we moved up to Christchruch and a Birthday bbq for Jammie and I. See aren't we all having fun in the gazebo.



When we packed up and moved to Christchurch, we unfortunately moved to a house with very little section. No where near enough yard to erect this structure. She sat in our spare garage along with many other things.

A year later, we moved back to Dunedin and moved to North East Valley. The back yard we had, contained ample room to allow the gazebo to show off all her glory once more. That thought excited me. Oh i had many plans for my beloved gazebo but alas, when I suggested to Jacob that we whip her out and have some pleasant shade, He replied with a "Oh, its broken, pieces are missing". Heart broken was I. She sat in our shed, lonely in our shed. Deprived of the glory she so fittingly deserved. Broken, battered, missing polls, this can't be the life she expected.

Once again we moved to our house we bought. She again, sat cold, lonely and now dusty under our house. Over two years she sat there surrounded by all the other long forgotten about junk that tended to follow us where ever we moved. I often thought about her. Thinking how fun it would be if she was able to be put together. I toyed with the idea of buying a new one, but my budget never allowed for it.

As I was cleaning out my house in the plans to move my kids and I back to Christchurch, I came across my beloved gazebo and felt a pang of guilt. For I had started to forget her. I looked at her crumpled on the dirt floor smelling like the neighbours cat and decided to bring her with me, in the hopes to wash her and somehow replace her missing polls. When we arrived in Christchurch, she again was put in the garden shed and has sat there cold, alone and dusty. Until today.

Today I got her out of the shed. I washed her and hung her to dry. I turned to the bag of polls and and decided I would try and see what polls are missing. To my horror, the instructions were missing and the information on what and how many polls there should be was no where to be found either. I sighed and had the thought that the only way I am going to figure out what I need to replace, was to try and put her up again. So off I started. I figured out the roof and found nothing missing there, so I draped her canvas over the top. I then found her legs and with a little help from mischief numbers 1 and 2 her legs were in place. I tied her ropes down, and with an excited giggle, my beloved gazebo was shinning with all her brilliance once more.

Look at her, so pretty.
Jacob probably couldn't be bothered putting her up so he told me she was broken.

So what does this have to do with my egotistical mood and my un-need for a man? I would be asking that very same question if I were reading this as well. Simple answer ..... I did it by myself. No male input was needed and no instructions were looked at. I figured it out all on my own. Then I also started to think ....
*I made a kit set DVD stand all on my own.
*I can sort out a computer and set it up and put it together including the internet on my own.
*Come to think of it, I can do that for all of the house hold electrical gadgets.
*I can mow the law and I actually enjoy it. Yes I know the lawn at the moment needs to be done, but I have no mower.
*I can do the rubbish on my own.
*I can fill my car with petrol on my own.
*I can even change the tire if needs be.
*I can sort my budget and pay my bills all on my own.
*I can do all those so called "manly" tasks all on my own.

But, just because I may not need one, doesn't mean that I do not want one around the house. One would be much appreciated, that is for sure.

Disclaimer

I would just like to point out that i am not a feminist. If anything i am and equalist, if thats anything at all. I believe we all have our roles and responsibilities in this life and not one is greater than the other but instead they go hand in hand with each other.

I opted to put this here from another post I had done just in case people get the wrong idea and start thinking I'm some faminazi. Faminazis annoy me by the way, but that's a completely different post all together.!

Chaos in a world of responsability.

I think im going rather insane. Well more so than what i was before. I got a new hair cut the other day and i put highlights in it as well. Red and blond. I wanted a mixture of thick chunky ones and thin ones but they only did thin ones, or if they did do fat ones they are no where near as fat as i wanted. So then i decided that i will get some more done and add purple and blue in it. Yes purple and Blue. See i am going ever more insane.

I am reverting back to my young teenage punk look, although i am leaving my old leather collar with a variety of spikes in my draw. I can and will admit that i see a therapist each week. I do not think that there is anything wrong with me talking to someone because of all the stuff that is happening in my life right now and also not long before all if it happened, the Doctor did put me on an anti-depressant due to Post natal depression and anxiety. Although it was more anxiety because i was doing some crazy "O.C.D tendency" things as my Doctor put it. So i have been seeing someone since then. Nothing wrong with that. But i was talking to her last week about painting on my walls and wanting my hair done and i realized that i have so much responsibility on my own now that i am "breaking out" and "breaking the rules" where im aloud. Causing Anarchy and Chaos to release the berdon of so much responsability.

I do have to admit that I'm having a lot of fun and i do feel a happines within myself that i had long forgotten. So, long may this last and and long may i remember who i am.

♥I am a Woman, a child of god, a princes in the kingdom of our Father in Heaven, Who likes to wear wings and rock out to music while painting on my walls.♥
♥Im a tough, hard, punk arse, rock chick ..... who has 3 kids and drives a pastel green mini van and has morals and standards♥
♥I am a conumdrum, a puzzel and full of contradictions♥

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Highlights the camera didn't pick up to well.

My arms i made the other day.

forbidden fun with a Cabby tat, and a brand new body.

Friday the 17th was a very anticipated day. That was the day that i got to drive out to the airport to pick up my best friend Catherine, or Cabby tat as i call her.
I meet her back when i was about 19 and thought i needed her as a friend. Turns out, my judgment was spot on. She was exactly who i needed at that time of my life and i think she will forever be someone i need in my life.
As soon as i told her that Jakob had left again, she looks online and starts organizing for herself to fly down from Wanganui.

I am so thankful that she came. She was exactly what i needed right now. We just have so much fun together and the dynamics of our friendship has not changed even with months and miles apart.

One thing that i am doing right now is making my bedroom MY bedroom. So what do i want to do in my bedroom more than anything else .... PAINT ON MY WALLS!
I now know why the little mischiefs like to draw on walls. Its so much fun. Before anyone starts to stress and worry about my walls i would just like to point out that it is MY house and the wall paper in my room needs to be replaced soon because it has mould stains on it and it is starting to peal. So i thought, why not have some fun and decorate things my way for once before i change the paper. Just right now in my life, i need to paint on my walls. Its so much fun and made me very happy.

Cabby Tat painting a star

Painting Bubbles

My Butterfly

I'll Be Better Now!

~~~~~~~

With all this stress that is going on in my life, i have lost a fair amount of weight. My cloths no longer fit me, so i went out yesterday and bought some new cloths.

I walked into Jay Jays and grabbed a size 14 because thats what i do. I actually picked a size 14 a couple of months ago and almost ran out the store crying because i couldn't squeeze into them, so i thought, i should be able to fit them now, right? I go to try them on and get a shock, not only can i do them up, but i can't keep them up. So i go and get a 12 ... same thing, still a bit loose. I then try a 10. How on earth can i squeeze into a size 10 pair of pants. So here are some pictures of my transformation. The last picture i have of myself was about 2 weeks before Madison was born.

Before

After

Not as old as i thought i was!!

Imagine my horror to find 2 white hairs on my head. I'm only 24 how can i be going gray now?? Sure enough i have had one baby after the other which takes a huge toll on your body, but I'm still 24, my mum who is almost twice my age still has not gone completely gray. I suddenly felt rather old and quickly pulled them out.

The other night i was talking with my sister in law Miriam who had come down for a week. I mentioned i found some white hairs and at first she was as shocked as i was to hear about the misfortune of my premature aging. But upon her questioning, we came to the conclusion that the hairs were not white with age, but were white with stress.

Apparently hair can turn white with stress. The hairs i found where completely white from root to tip where as if it was age it would start from the roots and grow out white. I just woke up one morning and there they were. It was if they appeared over night, long and white. She mentioned that Johanna (another sister in law of mine) had found some of her roots growing in gray.

So i am no longer as old as what i thought i was, but am now more stressed than what i thought i was. I do now regret pulling them out, now that i know they are not from old age. I can now celebrate. I'm still young!

My idiosyncrasies.

This afternoon as i pulled out the try of eggs from my fridge, carefully choosing the next egg in order to be eaten, it made me think about all those little things that i have to do or things that have to be done right. I have a few of them and i thought i might take the time to shear what they are seen as its the little things in life that can create who you are.

1.
This would have to be one of the biggest things for me. Toilet paper. It must hang on the wall with it rolling over the top of the roll. Rolling upwards as i put it. That way when you pull to get some paper you can easily fold all the "wall germs" in the middle of the paper. Roll it downwards and its just harder to fold those "wall germs" away. I do not like using the side of the paper that has been smeared all over the wall. This little quirk is so strong in me that i even have to turn the paper around at other peoples house if i need to relieve myself. Ive found that people either want it rolling up, or they just don't care.

2.
Water. Im so fussy when it comes to what i drink and what i drink it from. I grew up in Christchurch with beautiful spring water freely flowing from the tap. When moving to Dunedin i had a rather hard time trying to force myself to drink tap water. I lived out in South Dunedin and ive been told that South Dunedin is the worst area for good water. I have now gotten used to the water at my house (we are on the hills now) and will only drink water from there. If i go out, i take my own water bottle with me. That brings me to my next point of drinking. I have my drink bottle which is mine. The only people who are aloud to drink from it is me. I will not shear bottles at all. Also i will not just grab any old drink bottle. If its an old bottle thats been sitting around i will not drink from it, i just can't. It sends shivers down my spine at just the thought of it. Even when im so thirsty, i still can't do it.

3.
I touched on this one at the beginning of this entry. The way i take the eggs out of the carton. They must be taken out from each end and done on a diagonal and work your way into the middle. That way when you reach into the fridge to get your carton of eggs, the carton will be even in weight distribution and there is no fear of dropping the carton due to the weight being off balanced. If i open a carton and the eggs aren't properly positioned then i will rearrange.

4.
I like my bed to be made a certain way. I would love to sleep in a bed with nice fluffy sheets and a couple of woolen blankets all tucked in, topped with a warm duvet. But alas we do not have nice big woolen blankets and Jakob likes to just have duvets so he can poke his feet out when he gets hot. So i will let up on what we sleep under, all i ask is that the domes of the duvet covers be done up and the covers aren't ridding up. I do not want to feel the domes or the inner duvet with my feet. I hate it.

5.
I have an order to how i wash the dishes. I do it in this order to maximize stacking ability. Change the order and you will not be able to stack as much on the rack. Jakob will call down from the kitchen and ask me to dry some dishes because he has run out of room. As soon as i arrive i look onto the rack and think "there is so much room left but he has everything in the wrong order"

6.
There is a certain way i like to hang my cloths. All the big items go in the middle of the line with smaller things on the outside of the line. all the things that only need one peg to hang them gets hung last, like socks. There are a few other things i need to do when i hang the washing but its hard to explain.

Those things im aware of all the time and are in my day to day life no matter how im feeling. These next things appear when i am stressed or starting to become depressed.

6.5
When im hanging the washing, not only do i do all those things that i mentioned previously, but i have to match things. Each peg i use on an item must be the same colour and type. The colour also has to correspond with the colours on the item im hanging. Or else it feels off balanced and it drives me insane.

7.
I count. I count the stairs as i walk up or down them, i count the steps i take when im walking, i count the cars i drive past, count the lamp posts, i count fence posts as i walk past touching them. I count EVERYTHING! There needs to be a rhythm to the counting as well. If i drive past 3 cars then there is a gap, it must stay in that pattern or else i feel frustrated, and it never does with something like parked cars. So i must force my attention on something that can have a proper pattern like lamp posts.

8.
My steps must be even. Also the ground i walk on leaves impressions on the souls of my feet. If i stand on a crack with one foot, i must stand on a crack with my other foot. Problem is as soon as i stand on a crack with my other foot, the impression from the first crack is no longer as strong as the second so i must stand on another crack. Im forever standing on cracks and its frustrating but i have to do it. There are other rules for even steps, but they are much harder to explain than the crack thing.

Im crazy i know but i think these last things i listed are me just finding a way to balance everything. Because my internal thoughts are so off balance, im trying to balance the world around me. I remember once driving behind a car which only had one break light working. That drove me insane. I couldn't look at his car without feeling lopsided.

I would like to say as well, i am not a clean freak. I like things to be in order and be clean. But most of the time the act of cleaning up over whelms me and i don't do. When i do i only do a "half hearted job" according to Jakobs standards. Sometimes i just don't feel i can do it as good as what i should, so i end up not doing it at all.
I watched a show once that said that the pinnacle of perfection is not doing anything at all. Reason being, you are so set on having things done perfectly that you can not even do anything for fear you will not do it perfectly. I thought that makes sense. May be thats why im not a clean freak, but i don't think so.

So yes, this post has been about the crazy insane parts of me. Im sure everyone has their odd things they have to do so i decided to shear with you mine.

PS. Family Dramas are over. Mum realized what she had done and apologized to everyone. Apologies all round. Now lets get back to being a happy family.