long time no talk

Sorry to all those who have emailed me and asked me when my next post is going to be.
It has been a while and it has been a very shaky part of this roller coaster ride i am stuck on.

Things are not well with me right now. Thats all i am going to say on the topic. Its just more of a warning for those who are somewhat addicted to my blog. I probably wont be posting much lately. Just lying in bed when i can i think.

Vlog #1

I have a web cam now, so i thought i would do a vlog - video blog. My camera for some strange reason cuts out after 30 seconds so thats why there will suddenly be a black screen. But if you can get past that, i hope you enjoy. Ha ha i feel insane for talking to a camera like that. Ba ha ha ha ha
Lots of ums and things not making to much sense. Could you tell i felt stupid ha ha ha.

3 Mischiefs and a Supermarket.

Wednesday is a pre-school day. Wednesday is pay day. Wednesday is the day i go grocery shopping. Its the perfect day to do it.
The plan yesterday was to do my shopping as usual and take Jakob as well seen as he has no car. But when i pulled up to his house, something had happened and he needed my help with something else. Which ended up taking up all my time and i never got to go shopping. But its ok, i really needed to help him and that was more important than shopping.

So due to my lack of shopping yesterday, and the lack of basic food stuffs such as milk, butter, bread etc, i endeavored to take all three mischiefs to the supermarket .. on my own. Wow i was insane. Devin ran around everywhere and kept wanting to sit in the trolley on all the food. Jahshia kept throwing things in that she thought i needed and Madison was rather good, but did start crying when Jahshia thought it would be funny to hit her on the head. Poor little mischief, gets all sorts of torture committed to her.
The biggest trial though of shopping with them all on my own, was the part when we got home. You see, i have no off street parking, then on top of that, i can not park on my side of the road.
This is how i executed the dilemma of getting kids and shopping inside...
Step 1 - Get the kids inside but leave the front door open so they know you haven't abandoned them.
Step 2 - Go to the car but leave the front gate shut so no kids can follow you out.
Step 3 - Get all the shopping bags out of the car and put them in front of the gate.
Step 4 - Open the gate and put all the bags at the top of the stairs. Never let the bags out of your sight or else mischiefs will put sticky fingers through them and open all the things they are not meant to open, so the next steps are to prevent that.
Step 5 - Take all the bags from the top of the stairs down to the deck.
Step 6 - Take all bags from the deck into the kitchen.
Step 7 - Quickly get all the things that need to go into the fridge or freezer into their appropriate places. Then take kids out of the kitchen and close the door.
Step 8 - Go back later and put the rest of the shopping away when the mischiefs no longer need all your attention.

Im getting the hang of this mum thing. Im learning new tricks all the time. Sure i have my bad days but everyone does. But overall i love being a mum.

Marriage vows

Just something i would like to say to those who read my blog who still are getting to know me or may not know my values.

Legally, I am still married, so in my mind those wedding vows and promises are still valid. Sure Jakob isn't exactly following them but that doesn't mean i can just toss them to the side.
To be true to myself and the morals and values i hold dear, I will not look or even think about a relationship with anyone else or even do anything along those lines with anyone else.
Please do not think otherwise of me.

My past catches up

For those who read my blog rather attentively and love to flip through all the comments that other interested readers may leave, you may have noticed a comment recently by someone from my past.

Darren is an ex-boyfriend of mine. We had a fairly big relationship back at the end of my teenage years. I just thought, he may be reading this, so i need to watch what i say ha ha. He was the guy i dated before i found Jakob. Although there was like a year in between that relationship ending and meeting Jakob. Thought i might make that clear just in case i look like a tramp or something ha ha.
I haven't seen or herd from him in about 5 or 6 years and he suddenly writes a comment on my blog. Although the oddest thing about it is, the day before the comment appeared, was the day Jakob and i decided we needed some "time out" and not talk to each other for a while. We were driving each other more so insane that what we already are.
We have talked a bit and caught up with what each other is doing in life and sorted out how he found me. When we were dating he had a friend called Pete. When Darren and i broke up, i stayed friends with Pete. We are still friends now. Hes the one that feed the ducks with me when i recently went up to Christchurch (post here). Pete was at a party the other night and found that Darren was at the party as well. So they chatted and caught up and Pete gave him my blog address. So that makes me more relieved hes not a stalker.
But it is odd that he just suddenly appeared out of no where the day after Jakob and i decided not to talk to each other. But i do not believe in coincidence's, things happen for a reason. And it just so happens that he has said a few things to me that have made me think. He will have no idea what it is he said or even what i am thinking about, but sorry Jakob i don't think its good for you. I'm not going to shear what i am thinking because it is rather personal. But he has made me think about the situation i am in and where exactly i am heading in life.
So who knows now where life will take me. Not that i knew anyways but i am now starting to think long a hard about a lot of things.

Dead tooth

About a week ago, Devin and Jahshia where play fighting as they do. Yes Jahshia is very much a girl who loves to dress up and be all girly, but she also likes to play fight. While they were rolling around the floor and the couch there was a rather unfortunate collision between a three year old head and a 2 year olds mouth. After many tearful hugs, and sobbing apologies, followed by a lecture about how we need to be careful, things seemed to go back to normal. Or at least what normal is for this house hold. Later on that night i noticed Jahshia was avoiding eating with her front teeth and grizzled every time she had to pull the lid of her drink bottle up with her teeth. I thought id just keep and eye on it.

And so i did, kept an eye on it. She went back to eating fine and was no longer grizzling about it, so i left it at that. Until this morning.

This morning i noticed that her tooth was turning gray. Not a good sign. So off we trotted to the dentist. We found out that yes her tooth has died and that she has little if no feeling in that tooth. I am so proud of her though. We had to do x-rays of the tooth and she did all that the dentist asked her to do and she sat on my knee so still while they took the x-ray and they got a very good x-ray of her tooth.

So proud of my darling little trouper.

But its November

Its November right? Last month of spring down here in New Zealand right?

Then why did i wake up this morning to find a light dusting of SNOW, yes snow round my house. Its a month before summer and there is snow on the ground. This dose not make sense.

I would love to take pictures for those who do not believe me but alas, my camera is in the shop being fixed. I bought the camera 4 years ago and purchased a 5 year extended warranty with it. Im so glad i did now.

But snow? It makes no sense.

Chaos in a world of responsability.

I think im going rather insane. Well more so than what i was before. I got a new hair cut the other day and i put highlights in it as well. Red and blond. I wanted a mixture of thick chunky ones and thin ones but they only did thin ones, or if they did do fat ones they are no where near as fat as i wanted. So then i decided that i will get some more done and add purple and blue in it. Yes purple and Blue. See i am going ever more insane.

I am reverting back to my young teenage punk look, although i am leaving my old leather collar with a variety of spikes in my draw. I can and will admit that i see a therapist each week. I do not think that there is anything wrong with me talking to someone because of all the stuff that is happening in my life right now and also not long before all if it happened, the Doctor did put me on an anti-depressant due to Post natal depression and anxiety. Although it was more anxiety because i was doing some crazy "O.C.D tendency" things as my Doctor put it. So i have been seeing someone since then. Nothing wrong with that. But i was talking to her last week about painting on my walls and wanting my hair done and i realized that i have so much responsibility on my own now that i am "breaking out" and "breaking the rules" where im aloud. Causing Anarchy and Chaos to release the berdon of so much responsability.

I do have to admit that I'm having a lot of fun and i do feel a happines within myself that i had long forgotten. So, long may this last and and long may i remember who i am.

♥I am a Woman, a child of god, a princes in the kingdom of our Father in Heaven, Who likes to wear wings and rock out to music while painting on my walls.♥
♥Im a tough, hard, punk arse, rock chick ..... who has 3 kids and drives a pastel green mini van and has morals and standards♥
♥I am a conumdrum, a puzzel and full of contradictions♥

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Highlights the camera didn't pick up to well.

My arms i made the other day.

forbidden fun with a Cabby tat, and a brand new body.

Friday the 17th was a very anticipated day. That was the day that i got to drive out to the airport to pick up my best friend Catherine, or Cabby tat as i call her.
I meet her back when i was about 19 and thought i needed her as a friend. Turns out, my judgment was spot on. She was exactly who i needed at that time of my life and i think she will forever be someone i need in my life.
As soon as i told her that Jakob had left again, she looks online and starts organizing for herself to fly down from Wanganui.

I am so thankful that she came. She was exactly what i needed right now. We just have so much fun together and the dynamics of our friendship has not changed even with months and miles apart.

One thing that i am doing right now is making my bedroom MY bedroom. So what do i want to do in my bedroom more than anything else .... PAINT ON MY WALLS!
I now know why the little mischiefs like to draw on walls. Its so much fun. Before anyone starts to stress and worry about my walls i would just like to point out that it is MY house and the wall paper in my room needs to be replaced soon because it has mould stains on it and it is starting to peal. So i thought, why not have some fun and decorate things my way for once before i change the paper. Just right now in my life, i need to paint on my walls. Its so much fun and made me very happy.

Cabby Tat painting a star

Painting Bubbles

My Butterfly

I'll Be Better Now!

~~~~~~~

With all this stress that is going on in my life, i have lost a fair amount of weight. My cloths no longer fit me, so i went out yesterday and bought some new cloths.

I walked into Jay Jays and grabbed a size 14 because thats what i do. I actually picked a size 14 a couple of months ago and almost ran out the store crying because i couldn't squeeze into them, so i thought, i should be able to fit them now, right? I go to try them on and get a shock, not only can i do them up, but i can't keep them up. So i go and get a 12 ... same thing, still a bit loose. I then try a 10. How on earth can i squeeze into a size 10 pair of pants. So here are some pictures of my transformation. The last picture i have of myself was about 2 weeks before Madison was born.

Before

After

Not as old as i thought i was!!

Imagine my horror to find 2 white hairs on my head. I'm only 24 how can i be going gray now?? Sure enough i have had one baby after the other which takes a huge toll on your body, but I'm still 24, my mum who is almost twice my age still has not gone completely gray. I suddenly felt rather old and quickly pulled them out.

The other night i was talking with my sister in law Miriam who had come down for a week. I mentioned i found some white hairs and at first she was as shocked as i was to hear about the misfortune of my premature aging. But upon her questioning, we came to the conclusion that the hairs were not white with age, but were white with stress.

Apparently hair can turn white with stress. The hairs i found where completely white from root to tip where as if it was age it would start from the roots and grow out white. I just woke up one morning and there they were. It was if they appeared over night, long and white. She mentioned that Johanna (another sister in law of mine) had found some of her roots growing in gray.

So i am no longer as old as what i thought i was, but am now more stressed than what i thought i was. I do now regret pulling them out, now that i know they are not from old age. I can now celebrate. I'm still young!

Bad day.

Today was a bad day.

Well the day wasn't bad. I had fun with the kids. Although Madison has now come out in chickenpox, but so far she is doing good. But after the kids went to bed, i feel apart.

I have been trying so hard to keep everything inside, and ignore the fact that my husband is no longer around. And he is no longer there. The man that i was sealed to only just a year ago is no longer there. There is just a someone who looks kind of like him that comes around to spend time with the kids, But the person inside is no longer there.

Devin i think is taking it the hardest. Never underestimate the understanding of a 3 year old. He knows that daddy isn't here so much, he knows he doesn't get to see his daddy as much anymore, he know that daddy doesn't get him up some mornings anymore and he knows that daddy doesn't sleep in mummies room anymore. And hes angry about it. He snobs Jakob when he comes round and he is making life somewhat difficult with his tantrum outbursts of demanding he needs of tv and cookies and refusing to do anything else. Recently he has become more defiant and angery.

Jahshia - Every time someone walks through the front door she screams "Dadad Dadad" and is rather put out if it is not him. She is such a daddies girl and she adores him.

I don't like seeing my kids like this, it breaks my heart.

Tonight was a bad night, i fell apart and cried so much. But tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow i will pick myself up and continue on with the things that need to be done.

Solo Mum

Well i feel that i need to write about this sooner or later, so why not do it now.
It will most likely be a short post, just because i do not want to dwell on this for too long.

Well as some of you know and some of you don't know, for the last month Jakob has been standing at the front door claiming he is leaving. Well On Monday night he finally did. He actually moved out to another house. Not just his mums or a friends for a bit but signed a 3 month lease on a room near the University.

I am trying to look at the positives of this situation because if i dwell on the negative then i become a big ball of blubbering mess that would never be able to get up in the morning.
So the positives are ...

• I can now make MY bed they way that I like MY bed to be made.
• I can now have MY bedroom the way I like it.
• I can now decorate MY bedroom and MY house the way I want to.
• It has forced me to look at my life and the things i need to improve on. Before the kids had Jakob to lean on when mummy was stressed, but now they don't so much, so my kids need me to fix me now. Hence the previous post.
• And lastly - Stress is a very good weight loss. Ive lost all the weight i gained by having the girls, now its just Devins weight i need to loose. And im starting to squeeze myself into some of my B.C cloths (B.C = Before children)

The things that are keeping me afloat at this time is daily prayers and lots of priesthood blessings. Without those, Id fall apart.

I don't want people to think badly about him because these things happen. So please no comments about how much of a jerk he is. I am angry, but anger isn't going to get me anywhere.
We were sitting at the bank the other day, getting separate bank accounts, and we were talking with the lady about Winz and how they see it odd that Jakob and i are on speaking terms. They expect us not to be. And i just said "look we have got kids together. We have to be friends and speak to each other. And we have already done the arguing and me trying to hit him with the car, its now time to be friends"
On Monday night when he was moving, i just fell apart. He was planning on going on Wednesday, which would have been fine because the kids would have been at pre-school and all i had to deal with was him moving. But Monday he came home and said he was leaving now, while i had screaming chickenpox scabbed kids refusing to go in the bath, then when they got in the bath they pooed. It was all to much for me to handle. All i wanted to do was get in the car, drive round the corner, park up and cry. But he wouldn't let me go and stood in front of the car. I didn't try to hit him with the car. I just edge it forward to try and get him out the way. When he left I then spent the rest of the night cleaning MY room and moving things around.

So that's whats going on in the little old life of mine right now. Solo mum.

I'll be better when ...

I have just read a post from an awesome woman who has inspired me to look at my life slightly different and write this post. Thanks

One thing i seem to say to myself a lot is that "I'll be better when ..."
Ill be a better mum when im not so tiered, Ill be better at exercising when im not so tiered, ill be happier when im not so stressed, I'll be a better person to live with when the kids are older and not so needy of my time an energy, Ill be better at cleaning when my time isn't taken up so much by little mischiefs ... I'll be better when ...
I'm forever making this excuse. When i read the post i started to realize that i will forever make this excuse until i decide enough is enough.

Well there are some huge life changes happening right now. Some of you know and some of you don't, and for those who don't, don't worry i am about to post about it soon. Im just waiting for the right time.

So in the light of these new changes i have decided enough is enough. No more excuses because my mischiefs do not need a mother who is full off excuses. Well apart from excercising, i still have excuses there because it is hard to go for a run when you don't have anyone to mind the kids. But my kids need me now to be the better mum, they need me now to be a more plesant person to live with, They need me now not later.

Enough is enough, no more excuses. Its not going to be easy but life isn't easy. I will slip up, i know i will but thats not going to stop me from trying again and again till i am better now because i know that i can be.

I am going to make a little poster and put it on my wall with the saying "I'll be better NOW!!" So every morning when i get up, i will remind myself, enough is enough.

Chickenpox stole my weekend!!

As a mother there are no such things as weekends. I work from about 6.30am till about 10.30pm everyday, 7 days a week. calculate that and its an average of 112 hours a weeks. More than 2 full time jobs combined. For 18 hours of that week, i only have 1 mischief to deal with while the other 2 are at pre-school. Another 6 hours i only deal with my 2 girl mischiefs. The 18 hours happens on Monday 9 hours and Wednesday 9 hours. I consider these days my weekend days. I know they are broken up but its still my "days off". I cherish these days.

Today is a weekend day. Today i planned to do the grocery shopping, buy a present for Ella's birthday on Saturday which the mischiefs are going to, walk around town, do some house work and have a sleep. I was looking forward to today. You could then imagine my horror as i dressed the mischiefs this morning to find some rather ominous blistering spots on them. Chickenpox are going around and my mischiefs did not escape from the jaws of this evil bug. So even tho everyone at pre-school has been exposed to it, its still policy to keep them at home. One good thing tho is that they are not fazed by the ordeal. They are not trying to scratch, they are not sick, they don't have a temperature, they just have spots.
So today we went off to the doctor and confirmed that its chickenpox, then came the fun part ... Shopping!! I needed to go grocery shopping and had to take all 3 mischiefs with me. It wasn't actually that bad. Madison and Jahshia sat in the trolley while Devin helped me get things we needed. We ran into Sarah and Ella at the store. The mischiefs are in home based care and Sarah is the persons house they go to and Ella is her daughter. For a good part of the day Sarah had no children but her own seen as mine weren't aloud to be there. For the rest of the way around the shop all Jahshia was yelling was "Ella Ella". We also ran into Mary and her 2 children Samuel and Rebeca.
Then came the present hunting. I tried to take as little time as possible seen as kids in a toy section is not the funnest thing ever.
Then we went home for a sleep. Jahshia fell asleep in the car and Madison fell asleep not long after. So while Devin sat down and Watched "The Never Ending Story" for the 100th time, i had a lie down. It was nice but not as good as the sleep that i was looking forward to.

So with the Mischiefs with chickenpox, who knows when i will get another weekend day.

I just got a txt from Sarah. Ella has them now to and she is still going to be taking children at her house if parents are ok with it. That means weekends are back on. Friday Devins at pre-school!!

Mana Wahine

Disclaimer

I would just like to point out that i am not a feminist. If anything i am and equalist, if thats anything at all. I believe we all have our roles and responsibilities in this life and not one is greater than the other but instead they go hand in hand with each other.

~~~~

Mana
1. (noun) prestige, authority, control, power, influence, status, spiritual power, charisma - mana is a supernatural force in a person, place or object.

Wahine
(noun) women, females, ladies, wives.


What "Woman" means to me.

The are many different ways to say what gender you are. In particular a female.
There is ..

• Female
• Lady
• Girl
• Chick
• Woman
  

- Female
When i hear the word female i think specifically think of gender - Female, Male.

- Lady
When i hear this word i think about the manor in which one must present herself. Lady-like.
Poised with a calm, collected, disposition. One must never perspire and act with dignity and grace.

-Girl
This word is summed up rather easily. Little.

-Chick
When someone is called a chick i associate it with a friend, mate - my chick friends.

-Woman
This word conjures up some very powerful feelings.
To me this word means strength, courage, durability, wisdom, patients and mother heart.

A mother heart does not mean that you are a mother or even need to be one to gain a mother heart. Some mothers do not have a mother heart and some that are still waiting to be mothers have the strongest ones i know. A mother heart is someone who is caring, nurturing and loving to those around her.

To me woman have strength to deal with all that life has to throw at her, courage to stand up for what she believes, durability to withstand all the rubbish that gets tossed her way by others, wisdom to guide herself and family through the mists of life and patients to help her deal again with life.

I consider myself a woman. Not a perfect woman but i do the best that i can with what i have and therefore i feel that that is all that is expected of me. I do consider myself to be strong. Life has thrown many speed bumps my way, more than what i would think the average 24 year old has had to deal with in life, and i feel that every single on of those speed bumps have molded and shaped me into being strong. I do have my flaky moments but i also think that part of being strong is letting yourself have those flaky moments and then picking yourself up to get on with what needs to be done. Strong also means that you are able to ask for help when you need it and acknowledge when you do need help. That is definitely something i need to work on. Understanding when i need help and being able to ask for it.
I believe i have courage to stand up for what i believe in and for my truths and who i am. I believe that i do stick to my values with strength.
Durability. Wow you have to have durability when you have children and a husband. I am still standing and will forever stand against the hard knocks that get thrown my way.
I don't know if i have wisdom. I have common sense and i think more than what some others may have. Its odd to think that common sense isn't exactly common. I hope that one day my common sense will turn into wisdom.
I do have some patients and it is tried everyday, but i do have some patients.

Ever since i gave birth to Devin, i have said that giving birth is the most un lady-like thing anyone can do, but it is the most womanly thing that you will ever do.

If there was only one thing i could achieve in this life, it would be to insure that my girls grow up to be Women.

I am a Woman. Not a perfect woman but i do the best that i can with what i have.

A time for planting.

Over the weekend my mum came down to visit. She helped me a bit in my garden and we bought some pansy seeds. We got some of the rocks that are in my back yard and decided to make a rock garden for them.
Seen as today is a nice day i thought id get the mischiefs to help me plant the seeds in our garden.

We have our seeds and our watering can....



First I spreads the seeds around the garden and cover them up.

Then comes the fun part ....

First Devin waters the garden ...

Then Jahshia gives it ago ....

But then Devin gives her some unwanted help!!

But my garden is all watered now ... hopefully not to watered.
Now the kids will have fun watching their rock garden grow with lots of pretty flowers im sure the will just pick.

Oh so cute

The most cutest thing just happened and i thought it required a post right away. It's also rather funny i think.

Jahshia just came to me and wanted her baby wrapped up. So i proceeded to wrap her little baby doll. As i was finishing, i saw behind her Devin clutching his Lightning McQueen with a blanket. As i handed Jahshia her nicely wrapped baby, Devin jumps up in front of me and says "Wrap my Queen". So i then had to wrap his McQueen - with a little giggle of course.

Lovingly wrapped toys

Random road trips and a 20yr old goldfish

Monday morning i woke and got both Devin and Jahshia ready for pre-school and as i was doing so i was making lists of all the things that i was going to do that day.
Drop kids kids, Breakfast, start doing washing and hang it, clean up house especially kitchen and lounge, sleep if i can, go see my nana at 3pm and pick Jakob up at 4. Nothing out of the usual.
After i so happily dropped them off at day care i received a phone call from Jakob telling me his grandfather only had 3 weeks left to live and he would like to go see him. Family is very important so i proceeded to look on-line for the cheapest flights up to Auckland. His mum was heading up as well but she already had her tickets and his mum wanted Trinity (his little sister) to come up as well. The flights from Dunedin to Auckland where not as much as i had thought they would be but i thought id check flights from Christchurch. As i expected, it was much cheaper for our family and Trinity to drive up to Christchurch. While the kids and i stay at my parents, Jakob and Trinity fly up to Auckland. Jakob would prefer to see his Grandfather before he passes than go to his funeral, which i think if i were giving the same situation, i would choose the same.
So for the remainder of the day i was booking flights and getting us ready to suddenly drive 4-5 hours north. We finally set off about 5:50 and with many stops to feed hungry mouths (especially the littlest mischief), we arrived safe at about 11pm.

We all then got up early Tuesday morning to get Jakob and Trinity off to the Airport for their flight. I was hoping to take Devin in and see the planes but with a lack of parking and time we just dropped them off.

~~~~~~

Our next adventure was to find mgy mums work. She works in a Kindy in Avonhead which isn't to far from the Airport. We found it with no problems and in no time both Devin and Jahshia found fun things to do.

First Devin found the sandpit ...

And Jahshia found the babbies ...

Madison found cuddles.

Devin found frogs (one of his favourite animals)...

Jahshia found ribons and music...

They both found paints.

Then it was time for home, lunch and sleep. Jahshia was so tired she just crashed. but not before playing dress-ups with a pull-up

~~~~~~

Wednesday we got up and got ready to go for a picnic and feed the ducks. It was very nice day, one that was perfect for a picnic. Once we had gotten ready and found my wallet that was loving hidden by little hands, we set off to pick up my friend Pete and head of to the gardens.
It was such a nice relaxing time. I sat on the rug feeding Madison while Pete ran around with my mischiefs. They just loved it and adored him. We then went to feed the ducks. but there weren't that many around but that was ok because the kids just wanted to eat the bread anyway.

~~~~~~

Since we have arrive, Madison has been rather unsettled and feeding a lot. But i did manage to get a few pictures of her and her Auntie Brenna last night ...

~~~~~~

My parents have a gold fish. They got this goldfish when i was 4 years old. Im now 24 years old and the same gold fish is still alive. How you ask. I have no idea but its true. Its not just one that looks the same. Its the actual one. There where 2 but the other one died the other day.

Decadent Delites

I remember my mum talking about this person who had once said to her "I will not go to heaven if they do not have pavlova there".

I thought tonight i might share some of my heavenly must haves:

1: World famous in New Zealand - Tim Tam Slam.
First step, make a Hot Chocolate from Cadbury drinking Chocolate. It must be made with milk not milk and hot water. Although you can make it with cream and milk. mmmm.
Then get yourself a Tim Tam (double coat is best), bite of a small amount from each end, place one end in your hot chocolate and proceed to suck your drink through like with a straw. Only suck until you have a small mouthful of hot chocolate then quickly eat your melting chocolate biscuit before it falls apart in your hands. This is the best way to eat chocolate biscuits. I was thinking the other day as i was indulging myself in a few of these, that if i could only add maybe some mint essence to the hot chocolate, then it would be perfect.

Notice how its an empty packet!!

2: This is one that i craved a lot while pregnant with Madison.
It is very simply a bowl of ice cream with milk and or cream poured over the top. mmmm oh so creamy.

3: Good old homemade milk shakes made from fruit, yoghurt, ice cream, milk and maybe cream if you have some.

4: Gingernuts and cream.
My Mum is the only person i have known to make this the way that we do. Most people i know make like a log of gingernuts and cream. I on the other hand find that somewhat messy and awkward to eat. So i like my mums version.
Heat your oven to 180°C. Place gingernuts on a muffin tray and heat in the oven for about 5min, or until gingernuts are soft. Push the gingernuts down into the tray so the cup. When they are cooled, dollop some cream in the middle. Much less messy to eat.
I made these tonight and ate them all before i even got to writing this section of my post. I added grated chocolate to the tops because i thought it looked yummier.
Yes yes i know, all my heavenly delights contain a lot of milk and or cream. Rather naughty for someone who may have a mild intolerance to the substance. My mum and my 2 sisters can not have dairy and i have been told that i to may not be able to tolerate it as well as others. But i have not had any adverse affects to having dairy. Well sure ok every now and then if i drink milk my stomach will get a mild twinge but thats all that happens. I did at one point say that i was going to cut dairy from my diet. But that lasted all of half a day. One sip of rice milk and i went running back to my beloved cows milk. I do not like soy milk so i thought i would give rice milk a go. Turns out, i don't like that either. But its not like cream is a big part of my diet. Cream is a special treat that i only buy every now and then. Mostly when i go shopping on my own i will get myself a little bottle and make it last as long as i can. I do love drinking it straight.
But for now i will continue on my dairy seen as i am nursing a baby and need all the calcium and milk producing factors as possible. Well thats what i like to tell myself.

Sticky fingers

Kids seem to have the stickiest fingers i have ever known about. Sticky in the sense that they get into everything they shouldn't, and sticky the kind of sticky that you need to wash your hands from.

As i was making the kids lunch, i reached to the margarine and found that it had disappeared. I hunted all through my kitchen but had no luck in its reappearance. So i ventured out to see if it had grown legs and walked right out of the kitchen. It had indeed walked out of the kitchen but it had not grown its own legs, it instead enticed Jahshia with its sunny bright colour which she could not resist. I found her sitting in the couch munching away on its golden goodness with butter like globs innocently sticking to her smeared face.



And again on Thursday she comes running into the living room, dressed in her favourite pretty dress up dress, clutching the creamy golden goodness that she had only just swiped from the kitchen. Swiped while Daddy was washing the dishes and completely oblivious to the crime that was about to unfold right under his nose. Luckily i was in the living room and was able to apprehend the culprit of the margarine theft and thus return the stolen item before any of it was gobbled away by this sly little mischief.



Our mischief Devin too has a sneaky appetite. Not for the buttery goodness of margarine but for the more scandalously seductive chocolate biscuits. Or any biscuit for that matter. As soon as his sticky little fingers learnt how to open the biscuit cupboard, all of its contents where now found in the pits of the mischiefs stomach.
He is also the mischief who finds amusement in throwing mums baking goods around the house. When he was 11 months old, not even walking yet, crawled into the kitchen, opened the pantry and proceeded to make it "snow" flour in our kitchen. I found him hovering over the flour bucket, covered from head to toe in flour. Even his eye lashes had turned white with caked on flour. As this mischief has gotten older, the desire to feed the house with baking goods has in no form ceased. Just the other day i stumbled upon his recent baking affair in the living room. I walked in to find a bag of wheat bran had been opened with Devin proceeding to sprinkle its contents all over my nice vacuumed floor and poor mischief Jahshia. Although it seems that Jahshia very much enjoyed her shower of bran flakes and would have in no way complained about this fun event.
Unfortunately the pictures of the floor covered in wheat bran did not turn out. They where rather dark and you couldn't see the mess. But i thought the pictures of Jahshia covered in bran with a smiling Devin would suffice.

Beautiful Dunedin

One of the biggest selling points for us in purchasing our home was the breath taken views that we can see from every bedroom and the lounge. I find this picture is far to small and does little justice to its real beauty. We can see from Mt Cargill to the ocean.

When i woke Wednesday morning, I open the curtains to find clouds rolling beside the Mornington hills which would have been over town and the harbor. Here are some of the awesome pictures i captured. Unfortunately these pictures only show a small amount of beauty that the eye sees, so it was much more spectacular than what you can see in this blog.



Our dream is to one day build a mega deck spanning the length of our house. When that is done, we can then enjoy our views while sitting outside in the nice Dunedin sun sipping away on our mormon cocktails. I don't think there is such a thing as mormon cocktails, but it sounds cool and sophisticated.

I have big dreams for our house. Another reason to why be bought this house was that we saw potential to renovate and make it more our own home. I so wish that i had all the money i need right now to do all we want to our house, But that wont happen for a while yet. I can't wait.

Birthday Blitz

New Born
To
2 Years

Happy Birthday

Seen as it is Jahshias birthday today, i thought it rather appropriate to dedicate this post entirely to Jahshidom.

This little mischief burst into the world at 10 minutes to 2, early Saturday morning, 19th August 2006. She was by far my easiest labour, seen as i refused to believe i was actually in labour till around 11pm - only a few short hours before she arrived. I only arrived at the hospital around 12.30am. She came racing into this world only 12 minutes after the midwife gave the "all clear" to start pushing. She must have thought she was running late and had to hurry seen as she has been my only mischief to have gone past my due date.

Facts about our Jahshie

* Full name - Jahshia Alice Bunge-Krueger
* Name came from a combination of Jacob and Alicia, middle name Great Great Grandmothers name.
* First rolled over on Christmas day2006
* First walked - Just after her first birthday. One weekend she just got up and walked.
* First word - Well she doesn't speak much and im guessing she will just one day decide she will talk. But she understands so much about what we say and the world around her. But the words you hear her utter most frequently -"my baba"
* Her favourite toys are her babies.
* I always thought that she would be into cars and trucks because that is what Devin is into, so it is what we had around the house. But at 14 months old, she found a fluffy scarf of mine and set out draping it about her neck and strutting around the house like a she was the prettiest thing on earth (shh i think she was)
* She loves her food. She will eat almost anything you put in front of her.
* She loves her cuddles.
* She was a mummies girl but is fast becoming a little daddies girl
* She loves shoes, dresses and Skirts. She once though a hissy fit in the store because she wanted the pretty flower sandals and she wanted to wear them right now.
* She will go through her draws when she is meant to be going to sleep and play dress up with all her cloths.
* She cries if you put a hat over her "pretty pretties" which are her pig tails that must be tied in her hair on demand.
* She loves dressing as a fairy.
* She on occasion played rough and tumble with Devin.
* She has played tipped dirt all over Jahshia and absolutely loved it.
* Loves her family and little sister Madison.
* Has tried to breast feed her babies.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We love you Jahshia and we look forward to many more Birthdays xxx

Schools the life for me??

I have been thinking lately about returning to school and starting some meaningful tertiary study. I have always found an interest in Psychology but never thought i had the smarts to go through with my interests. But over the last few years that pull and desire to follow this interest has become stronger. I can not help tho, to recall my dreaded school days and lack of scholastic abilities. These thoughts have been and still are my barrier i must over come in order to pursue these desires to study. I thought i might share my school adventures to maybe help me get over my lack of self worth in this area.

My earliest memories of schooling was going to Kindergarten. This is where i meet one of my best friends Sina. We ended up staying friends up until 7th form - last year of high school. We still sometimes talk now but we have gone down very different paths in life and have drifted apart.
My memories of kindy are of painting, shadow puppets and hiding up the tree during clean up time.
My first teacher was very scary. I can not even recall her name only but to call her "Witch Lady" which was our endearing name we used for her. Good thing i was born in November and only had to endure her for a few short weeks till the school year was over. I do however also remember seeing all my kindy mates sitting under her wrath as well.
The next important thing that happened in my school life was that i was subject to J3. For those that are unfamiliar with the old way of school years, i will enlighten you on the order.
Primary school
- New entrants (which you did if you where born after march)
- Junior1
- J2
- J3 or Standard1 (some unlucky people did both)
- Std2
- Std3
- Std4
Intermediate school
- Form 1
- Form 2
High school
- 3rd form
- 4th form
- 5th form
- 6th form
- 7th form

Although i was not unlucky enough to do both J3 and Std1, i still knew that the smart people where never left behind in the junior part of school. When i did move into the senior sector of my primary school i went direct to Std2. Which would have been good, but it was over shadowed by my perception of the class set up. Often in our classes we would have mixed years. Std1 mixed Std2, Std2 mixed Std3, Std3 mixed Std4. I was forever the higher year in my classes. This made me feel like i was stupid. I longed to be the lesser year so i would feel smart.
Also as i journeyed up the ranks of primary school, i noticed that the songs we sung in assembly became rather babyish. It's not that i outgrew the songs, its that the music teacher ceased to sing those "grown up" songs and replaced them with ones i thought should be in pre-school. There is one that has stuck in my head because i loathed it. I have forgotten most of the words but still remember the tune. The words that i despised the greatest have never left me..
"yum yum gobble gobble crunch crunch crunch, i've got a lovely bone to munch"
These words should never be sung by 10 year olds in school assembly. I already felt stupid by always being in the higher rank of the class, and now they make us sing baby songs. Nice.

Then came Intermediate. Form1, I was put in an average class. Thats fine by me because i was never made to feel stupid. But alas, this was the year i become gravely ill with cancer and spent 5 months in hospital. On my return back to school, in the second year of Intermediate, i had the privilege of choosing my teacher. I had unfortunately chosen a teacher who did not understand my situation and i felt showed little or no mercy towards my recovery. This year holds some rather untoward emotions and situations that even to this day brings tears to my eyes. I often light-heartedly amuse myself about how i can easily talk about my dance with death with little or no sorrow, But bring up the year after and my integration into life and the tears start to flow.

High school. Need i say more. I am yet to find someone with only the fondest memories of this turbulent affair. I was shoved in the "dumb ass" class even tho according to the teachers "there is no streaming". But when you are 3rd form sitting in Math class, the teacher hands you a colour the squares picture where if you colour all boxes with half fractions it revels a picture, your mind starts to put its own puzzle together to revel that there is in fact a "dumb" class. Just to add to the torment, there was a stream of questions from the class to the teacher "Miss is 3/4 half? Miss is 5/8 half? Miss is 2/6 half?". How on earth do they not know about fractions? Isn't that primary school learning?. In my class i was dubbed "brainy", this bugged me because i knew that i was not brainy, it was in fact that the rest of the class was morons.
To sum up High School it was a stream of useless teachers mixed with ones that i swear hated me with a pinch of being tossed to the side. Its no wonder that when it came time for my youngest sister to go to High School mum said to her "Choose what ever school you want to go to, even private if you like, just not Avonside girls" My other sister also had troubles while she was there. I will never forget 6th form Math. I was having a lot of difficulty trying to understand everything. I had an average test mark of 30%. My parents payed for a tutor 2 hours a week. My test marks suddenly jumped to an average of 75%. Go figure.
I also do not have School Cert. English.
My Art History teacher in 7th form kept telling me i can't write essays. She would tell me how i should be writing them, so i would do it how she wanted, but still she would tell me i didn't know how to write them. I suppose it didn't help that she was actually the Japaneses teacher who the school decided to have her teach Art History because she took a paper on it at Uni.

I like doing personality tests. Ive done a few. Every time i do one about my type of learning i come out highly kinesthetic, which means i learn by doing. Maybe thats why i failed so miserably at school. Or it could have been a mixture of both learning style and useless teachers, who knows. All i know is that im terrified of going back to study because i do not want to fail miserably again. But i have this urge and desire to learn.

Another personality test i have indulged in is the test of "Introvert or extrovert". I seem to come up smack in the middle. 50% on either side. Go figure. But thats a whole new post all together.

Green eyes of jelousy

'mummy talk to me' Devin so kindly demanded.
'what would you like to talk about?' I replied.
'bees. bees in my mouth'
'oh really. what are they doing in your mouth?'
'ummm bees in my mouth'
'thats interesting. what colour are bees?'
'ummmm black'
'good boy. what other colour are they?'
'ahhh white'
'are you sure? is there yellow on bees to?'
'yeah yellow, bees black and yellow'
'where do bees live?'
'in the garden. bees live in the garden. bees sleep on the flowers'
'wow thats cool isn't it Devin. what do bees eat?'
'bees eat the butterflies'
'ooo ok then'

5 min of silence

'Mummy talk to me'
'alright Devin'
'spiders in my nose'

..............................................

Its harder than what you may think. Some people think that being at home all the time is so good and relaxing. Its not relaxing with kids. Not one single second of your life is your own. You are on call 24 hours 7 days a week. There is no such thing as a weekend, if you are sick you can't "call in" sick and spend the day in bed and you are constantly thinking about what other people need (mainly your children) and you forget about yourself and what you need. Your day is full of screams, crys and the almighty hissy fit tantrums. Although you are never alone, you get very lonely. The conversations you have are either ones along the lines of the one i mentioned before, which is one i had with Devin the other day, or they are to yourself. They say the first sign of insanity is talking to yourself and the second is replying to yourself. Im defiantly on the road to insanity with that one. Ive even started talking to, and answering myself when Jakob is around due to its just become a habit.

I love my children, i love them to bits and would do anything i can to be there for them. I do not regret having them at all. I do however get rather jealous of the things that Jakob is able to do right now that im not. In the grand scheme of life, this time i have now is so very short and there will soon come a time when i can do all those things that i can't now.

The things that im rather jealous of is being able to go out and not worry about the kids, he can go to the movies if he wants, he can have proper conversations with people, he can go spend time with mates and not have to say "oh hold up, baby needs a feed". I went to a Relief Society activity not that long ago. It was hard because Madison wanted me a lot and i felt that i couldn't relax and have fun. Other people came along and held and cuddled her so i could make my crafty things which was great, but i still couldn't relax. He also has many things he can talk to people about. His drama, His kids, His work etc. I have kids and thats about it. Thats all my life seems to be and when i meet with friends thats all we seem to talk about. Kids and nappies and all that stuff. I crave talking about other things, but other things have no place in my mind right now because it is so full up with baby stuff. Some nights i even go to sleep with the echos of Children screaming ringing in my mind.

The biggest dilemma that i seem to be going through with these green eyes is a concert. Jakob has recently discovered the band "Disturbed" who are coming to the good old New Zealand and to my home town Christchurch. I have liked this band since before i met Jakob and he was never keen to listen to this band till the other night when i found an album of theirs for cheep. So i bought it and put it on while Jakob was out of the room. His ears perk up and he thinks "hey these guys are rather awesome, Im going to their concert"
WHAT!!!!!! In one night he is almost forced to listen to something he hasn't wanted to for years and then declares hes going to their concert. My concert that ive been waiting for since i was 19 years old, and i can't go to it because i have a highly dependent child. When i first found out they where coming i thought "Dam. I can't go. Oh well these things happen when you have children and id prefer to have Madison than go to their concert". And that was that, till Jakob declared he was going.

I don't want him to go because i can't go and i don't see that as fair. But as he has said "what happens if they turn out to be one of my all time favourite bands and i missed out on their concert because you had a tan-trum and wouldn't let me go".
I don't want him to go, but i don't want to stop him from going.
Having him go will make me so jealous and grumpy because if anyone should go, i think it should be me. But stopping him will make me feel bad because i don't want to tell him what he can and can't do and what happens if it dose end up being one of his all time favourite bands.
What id like to do is spend that money he would have on a ticket and gas money traveling up to Christchurch on our house. Have it go towards finishing the fence and fixing bits and pieces. It wouldn't be much money but its almost half what we need to fence part of our section (thats building the fence ourselves).

So who am i going to be? The green eyes sulking in the corner, or the controlling banshee.

I hate dilemmas!!

p.s i love Madisons milky smell.

My idiosyncrasies.

This afternoon as i pulled out the try of eggs from my fridge, carefully choosing the next egg in order to be eaten, it made me think about all those little things that i have to do or things that have to be done right. I have a few of them and i thought i might take the time to shear what they are seen as its the little things in life that can create who you are.

1.
This would have to be one of the biggest things for me. Toilet paper. It must hang on the wall with it rolling over the top of the roll. Rolling upwards as i put it. That way when you pull to get some paper you can easily fold all the "wall germs" in the middle of the paper. Roll it downwards and its just harder to fold those "wall germs" away. I do not like using the side of the paper that has been smeared all over the wall. This little quirk is so strong in me that i even have to turn the paper around at other peoples house if i need to relieve myself. Ive found that people either want it rolling up, or they just don't care.

2.
Water. Im so fussy when it comes to what i drink and what i drink it from. I grew up in Christchurch with beautiful spring water freely flowing from the tap. When moving to Dunedin i had a rather hard time trying to force myself to drink tap water. I lived out in South Dunedin and ive been told that South Dunedin is the worst area for good water. I have now gotten used to the water at my house (we are on the hills now) and will only drink water from there. If i go out, i take my own water bottle with me. That brings me to my next point of drinking. I have my drink bottle which is mine. The only people who are aloud to drink from it is me. I will not shear bottles at all. Also i will not just grab any old drink bottle. If its an old bottle thats been sitting around i will not drink from it, i just can't. It sends shivers down my spine at just the thought of it. Even when im so thirsty, i still can't do it.

3.
I touched on this one at the beginning of this entry. The way i take the eggs out of the carton. They must be taken out from each end and done on a diagonal and work your way into the middle. That way when you reach into the fridge to get your carton of eggs, the carton will be even in weight distribution and there is no fear of dropping the carton due to the weight being off balanced. If i open a carton and the eggs aren't properly positioned then i will rearrange.

4.
I like my bed to be made a certain way. I would love to sleep in a bed with nice fluffy sheets and a couple of woolen blankets all tucked in, topped with a warm duvet. But alas we do not have nice big woolen blankets and Jakob likes to just have duvets so he can poke his feet out when he gets hot. So i will let up on what we sleep under, all i ask is that the domes of the duvet covers be done up and the covers aren't ridding up. I do not want to feel the domes or the inner duvet with my feet. I hate it.

5.
I have an order to how i wash the dishes. I do it in this order to maximize stacking ability. Change the order and you will not be able to stack as much on the rack. Jakob will call down from the kitchen and ask me to dry some dishes because he has run out of room. As soon as i arrive i look onto the rack and think "there is so much room left but he has everything in the wrong order"

6.
There is a certain way i like to hang my cloths. All the big items go in the middle of the line with smaller things on the outside of the line. all the things that only need one peg to hang them gets hung last, like socks. There are a few other things i need to do when i hang the washing but its hard to explain.

Those things im aware of all the time and are in my day to day life no matter how im feeling. These next things appear when i am stressed or starting to become depressed.

6.5
When im hanging the washing, not only do i do all those things that i mentioned previously, but i have to match things. Each peg i use on an item must be the same colour and type. The colour also has to correspond with the colours on the item im hanging. Or else it feels off balanced and it drives me insane.

7.
I count. I count the stairs as i walk up or down them, i count the steps i take when im walking, i count the cars i drive past, count the lamp posts, i count fence posts as i walk past touching them. I count EVERYTHING! There needs to be a rhythm to the counting as well. If i drive past 3 cars then there is a gap, it must stay in that pattern or else i feel frustrated, and it never does with something like parked cars. So i must force my attention on something that can have a proper pattern like lamp posts.

8.
My steps must be even. Also the ground i walk on leaves impressions on the souls of my feet. If i stand on a crack with one foot, i must stand on a crack with my other foot. Problem is as soon as i stand on a crack with my other foot, the impression from the first crack is no longer as strong as the second so i must stand on another crack. Im forever standing on cracks and its frustrating but i have to do it. There are other rules for even steps, but they are much harder to explain than the crack thing.

Im crazy i know but i think these last things i listed are me just finding a way to balance everything. Because my internal thoughts are so off balance, im trying to balance the world around me. I remember once driving behind a car which only had one break light working. That drove me insane. I couldn't look at his car without feeling lopsided.

I would like to say as well, i am not a clean freak. I like things to be in order and be clean. But most of the time the act of cleaning up over whelms me and i don't do. When i do i only do a "half hearted job" according to Jakobs standards. Sometimes i just don't feel i can do it as good as what i should, so i end up not doing it at all.
I watched a show once that said that the pinnacle of perfection is not doing anything at all. Reason being, you are so set on having things done perfectly that you can not even do anything for fear you will not do it perfectly. I thought that makes sense. May be thats why im not a clean freak, but i don't think so.

So yes, this post has been about the crazy insane parts of me. Im sure everyone has their odd things they have to do so i decided to shear with you mine.

PS. Family Dramas are over. Mum realized what she had done and apologized to everyone. Apologies all round. Now lets get back to being a happy family.

monsters, Monsters, MONSTERS!!!!!

Our three year old mischief Devin has now become aware of the scary things in life. Well the scary things in his life. Going down the hall with the light off is "to kerry", as is going to sleep with the light off and a part of his Sesame Street dvd where Bert and Ernie go into the mummy section of a museum.
The other night i went into his bedroom to check on him and found him sitting up in bed with a look of worry smeared all over his face. I ask him what the matter is and he replyed "monter over dere" so after i "chased" them away, he smilingly went to sleep.
It got me thinking about how wild childrens imaginations are. Or are they? Are they really seeing monsters?

I grew up with a monster in my house. My mum called him the "sock monster".
For those who have never herd of this mystical monster, he is a monster who preys on single socks, leaving only one of a pair. He lives mostly in the laundry in between the washer and dryer, which is where he hunts and strikes his pray - socks. Also the more people who live in a house, the more sock monsters.

Jakob had never herd of a sock monster before we got married, and just my luck, one must have snuck into my belongings when i shifted from my parents house to our first house. Ever since then we both have fallen victim to his nasty apetite.

When we bought our own home it was so exciting. What i did not realize was that we were also buying an extremely vicious evolved sock monster. Not only do we have our regular one living in our laundry (he has gotten used to eating either wet socks or dirty socks seen as we don't have a dryer) but we also have at least one that roams around our house and yard. Often i have taken washing off the line and in the journey from the washing line to my couch to be folded, he pinches his prey and leaves no evidence that a crime has unfolded besides a missing sock. Often he will be rather greedy and take both socks.

I think our mischief daughter Jahshia has befriended him. She often pulls all her socks out of her draw and leaves them on the floor. Well she pulls everything out of her draws and puts it on the floor. Slowly her sock draw has shrunk somewhat. I naively assumed that her missing socks must be hiding within her pile of plushy teddy bears and other stuffed creatures . But alas i was wrong. I did a big sweep through our house not so long ago and cleaned almost every inch of our dwelling. The missing socks where nowhere to be found.

Mischief Devin also feeds our rather fat sock monster. Devin likes to run around with bare feet. Even when it is blanketed with snow outside, he will rip of his socks and leave them strewn all over the place. I also was expecting to find Devins socks hidden in various places through our house but again i was wrong in my assumptions. Not a scrap of evidence or a single crumb of a sock was found.

The sock monsters have eaten all of my socks apart from a couple of pairs, and is now starting on Jakobs rather large collection of socks.

From these experiences there is only one conclusion that can been drawn.
Monsters do in fact exist and Devin could very well be seeing our nasty sock monster chomping away on a meal when he is going to bed. Maybe sleepy child eyes are the only ones that can catch this ominous best.

Drama, Shenanagins and Absurdities

I opted for posting it seen as it has been a big part of my life lately and this is my journal. I am not making her out to be a bad person in the slightest. But if anything this is a good example of how mental illness can affect not only the life of the sufferer but those around them and those that are trying to help. Maybe this entry might help someone.
Carol i do love you.


Every time my dearest Mother in law puts on a show (which so happens to be every 10 weeks), she gets rather stressed. Most of the time she release her stress onto those that are near to her, which so happens to be Jakob and I.

My last entry talked about her latest stress and drama and thats the "normal" kind of hissy fit she has when she is stressed. But little did we know that that was only the first straw on the camels back.

Monday - We didn't really have much to do with her. We just let her have her space. We had stopped going around to her house on Mondays for dinner due to it was getting to stressful on the children. The nights we would go around, they wouldn't have their dinner till the time they normally go to bed. It was getting rather hard to control them when we got home and far to stressful on Jakob and i.

Tuesday - Jakob and Devin drove out to the airport to pick up Johanna and Kyan (Jakobs sister and her son who is the same age as Devin) By the time they get back we only had a mare 2 hours to go to the grocery shop before Jakob was due at the days rehearsals. We opted to not take the children to rehearsals due to Mums previous hissy fit. We also informed Mum that we will most likely not be coming round for dinner at her house seen as we will have dragged our kids to the shows all day and they need to be in bed by 7pm. There was also stressed involved with not having enough bookings for the show and we may not be able to make budget.
She rung us that night complaining about something and from the sounds of things (Jakob was talking to her) she was saying that we don't care about her, that no one cares about her and that shes not important enough to spend gas money on to go have dinner. Which is not true in the slightest. Jakob offered her that he would bring her back to our house after the show and drop her back off later if she so liked. That way she can spend time with her daughter and grandchildren- esp Kyan.

Wednesday - Got up and started getting ready to head to the show. I put dinner in my lovable slow cook and put extra in for Carol if she decided to come back to our house. I was somewhat apprehensive about going seen as i had no idea how she was going to be. But she kept her distance to the point that she paid practically no attention to her daughter she hardly sees and her grandchildren.
That night on the phone again (i can't remember who called who) her and Jakob where again arguing. This time about the lack of bookings and if she would change her answer machine message to add a cell phone number then they may get more bookings. But her being her would not change it. Why? I don't know. I can only assume that it was to much hassel for her. I would hate to have a life where simple tasks where to much hassel to do. How can anyone live with such feelings?
Jakob was heading off to Young Mens and decided to go round and see her to try and talk to her and make some sense of whats going on. To try and figure things out and get peace back into everyones relationships. When he turns, she says something along the lines of "Oh what are you doing here, i need a break from you, you stress me out, the very sight of you annoys me. The sight of you makes me sick". I was not there and so therefore cannot comment on the conversation that took place. I do know that Jakob threatened to quite the show and he also said that he will no longer be there for her the way he has been.
After he gets back from YM , we get a phone call from his brother William saying that she has had someone over for the last 2 hours learning Jakobs lines. He then rings her and all she can say is "you're fired you're fired you're fired you're fired you're fired you're fired". Some time during the night, if it was said at her house or on the phone im not sure but he did say to her that if she fires him then bad things will happen. She took that as he was abusing his Priesthood by saying that. But it has nothing to do with Priesthood. Its true, if she fired him then bad things would happen. She cannot train someone up in one night to play a main role, the show would look a mess and completely unprofessional and it would flop. Bad things.

Thursday - I was so worried about going to the show because i have no idea what her reaction will be with us turning up. We dropped Jakob off and headed off the find a park. As we walk into the theater, all we can here is "you're fired you're fired you're fired you're fired you're fired" She is saying this with a funny smile on her face as her head is bobbying side to side. goodness me. She then rants and raves about how hes stressful and he abuses his Priesthood. I had enough. I just had enough and her being angry at us for no reason just frustrated me. So many times ive seen jakob so happy about something but then when he rings her to tell her she brushes him off and takes away his happiness. it sux to see that happen. So i jump in and say something along the lines of (i can't remember word for word what i said) "You bring this on yourself, All the stress and troubles in your life are cause by you and your laziness" she then then jumps in and says
"i don't care, i love you Alicia"
"I love you too but what kind of mother says to her son i need a break from you, you stress me out, the very sight of you annoys me, the sight of you makes me sick?"
I walk away feeling so angry and shacking because im so scared of confrintation and i have never said anything like that to her. I have always been far to worried about how she will react if i ever tell her how her actions affect me. Ive always kept quiet just to try and keep the peace and not cause her more stress. Even if what she has done throws me into a depression.
Just before the show is due to start, she goes back stage and starts swearing at Jakob rather loudly in front of half the cast and we in the front row of the audience can hear her yelling. she turns to run away and Jakob grabs her and wraps his arms around her and she then falls to the floor in a panic attack.
later that night we get a phone call from her saying she has admitted herself into a mental hospital and needed us to go deal with her children. While Jakob was over there he changed the answer phone message. In the end we got and extra $200 we would not have otherwise gotten if it was not changed.
We then find out that she hasn't admitted herself to hospital, she has just taken herself into emergency psych services (E.P.S) and that she would be going home that night.

I am glad that she went there because she really needed to. But i can't help but wander if it was me that pushed her to it seen as i got in her face and said what i did. But i suppose it doesn't matter if it was what i said or not because she needed help and i don't think she would have gone and gotten help unless she was pushed right to breaking point.

She is still to this day holding grudges against Jakob and I and has also lashed out at Johanna as well. I know she has told anyone and everyone about what happened and has made it out that both Jakob and I abused her. Thats hurtful. I do feel though that i could have said what i did in a more calm manor and not in the heat of the moment. I did however keep what i said relevant to the drama that was going on but i had the thoughts and pain from everything she has ever done.

I still love her and im so happy to know that she is getting the help she needs.
Knowing that this is all happened because she had a melt down and if her mental health wasn't the way it was then none of this would have happened, helps me to be able to forgive her and move on with my life and family. but just because i forgive her doesn't mean that our relationship will go back to the way things used to be. I will never forget what she can be like and keep my eyes open and try to jump out of the way when she starts rolling out of control. That is if she ever can come to the realization that this has all be caused by her mental health and not because Jakob and I are these nasty abusive people and start talking to us again instead of yelling at us.

This has affected my family in a highly negative way. Both Jakob and I are mentally drained. Jakob is spending a lot of time in bed and im rather snappy with my children. This is why i need to forgive her. I see forgiveness as something you need to do in able to let go of the pain you carry. It is not something to do just to make who ever offended you feel better. It is something you do in order to make yourself feel better. If you never forgive someone then you will forever carry that person and what they did around with you. Forgive them and let it go, then you free yourself from them and the pain they caused. If you never forgive then you will forever have anger, hate and bitterness within you and who wants that in their lives.

So Carol, im over this and the pain and anger you have caused my famliy. I forgive you and i let go of all wrongs that you have done. That dose not mean though that i am ready to be all buddy buddy with you. It just means that i am no longer going to let what has happened affect me and my children anymore. I love you and im glad to see you are getting the help you need.