Green eyes of jelousy

'mummy talk to me' Devin so kindly demanded.
'what would you like to talk about?' I replied.
'bees. bees in my mouth'
'oh really. what are they doing in your mouth?'
'ummm bees in my mouth'
'thats interesting. what colour are bees?'
'ummmm black'
'good boy. what other colour are they?'
'ahhh white'
'are you sure? is there yellow on bees to?'
'yeah yellow, bees black and yellow'
'where do bees live?'
'in the garden. bees live in the garden. bees sleep on the flowers'
'wow thats cool isn't it Devin. what do bees eat?'
'bees eat the butterflies'
'ooo ok then'

5 min of silence

'Mummy talk to me'
'alright Devin'
'spiders in my nose'

..............................................

Its harder than what you may think. Some people think that being at home all the time is so good and relaxing. Its not relaxing with kids. Not one single second of your life is your own. You are on call 24 hours 7 days a week. There is no such thing as a weekend, if you are sick you can't "call in" sick and spend the day in bed and you are constantly thinking about what other people need (mainly your children) and you forget about yourself and what you need. Your day is full of screams, crys and the almighty hissy fit tantrums. Although you are never alone, you get very lonely. The conversations you have are either ones along the lines of the one i mentioned before, which is one i had with Devin the other day, or they are to yourself. They say the first sign of insanity is talking to yourself and the second is replying to yourself. Im defiantly on the road to insanity with that one. Ive even started talking to, and answering myself when Jakob is around due to its just become a habit.

I love my children, i love them to bits and would do anything i can to be there for them. I do not regret having them at all. I do however get rather jealous of the things that Jakob is able to do right now that im not. In the grand scheme of life, this time i have now is so very short and there will soon come a time when i can do all those things that i can't now.

The things that im rather jealous of is being able to go out and not worry about the kids, he can go to the movies if he wants, he can have proper conversations with people, he can go spend time with mates and not have to say "oh hold up, baby needs a feed". I went to a Relief Society activity not that long ago. It was hard because Madison wanted me a lot and i felt that i couldn't relax and have fun. Other people came along and held and cuddled her so i could make my crafty things which was great, but i still couldn't relax. He also has many things he can talk to people about. His drama, His kids, His work etc. I have kids and thats about it. Thats all my life seems to be and when i meet with friends thats all we seem to talk about. Kids and nappies and all that stuff. I crave talking about other things, but other things have no place in my mind right now because it is so full up with baby stuff. Some nights i even go to sleep with the echos of Children screaming ringing in my mind.

The biggest dilemma that i seem to be going through with these green eyes is a concert. Jakob has recently discovered the band "Disturbed" who are coming to the good old New Zealand and to my home town Christchurch. I have liked this band since before i met Jakob and he was never keen to listen to this band till the other night when i found an album of theirs for cheep. So i bought it and put it on while Jakob was out of the room. His ears perk up and he thinks "hey these guys are rather awesome, Im going to their concert"
WHAT!!!!!! In one night he is almost forced to listen to something he hasn't wanted to for years and then declares hes going to their concert. My concert that ive been waiting for since i was 19 years old, and i can't go to it because i have a highly dependent child. When i first found out they where coming i thought "Dam. I can't go. Oh well these things happen when you have children and id prefer to have Madison than go to their concert". And that was that, till Jakob declared he was going.

I don't want him to go because i can't go and i don't see that as fair. But as he has said "what happens if they turn out to be one of my all time favourite bands and i missed out on their concert because you had a tan-trum and wouldn't let me go".
I don't want him to go, but i don't want to stop him from going.
Having him go will make me so jealous and grumpy because if anyone should go, i think it should be me. But stopping him will make me feel bad because i don't want to tell him what he can and can't do and what happens if it dose end up being one of his all time favourite bands.
What id like to do is spend that money he would have on a ticket and gas money traveling up to Christchurch on our house. Have it go towards finishing the fence and fixing bits and pieces. It wouldn't be much money but its almost half what we need to fence part of our section (thats building the fence ourselves).

So who am i going to be? The green eyes sulking in the corner, or the controlling banshee.

I hate dilemmas!!

p.s i love Madisons milky smell.