Drama, Shenanagins and Absurdities

I opted for posting it seen as it has been a big part of my life lately and this is my journal. I am not making her out to be a bad person in the slightest. But if anything this is a good example of how mental illness can affect not only the life of the sufferer but those around them and those that are trying to help. Maybe this entry might help someone.
Carol i do love you.


Every time my dearest Mother in law puts on a show (which so happens to be every 10 weeks), she gets rather stressed. Most of the time she release her stress onto those that are near to her, which so happens to be Jakob and I.

My last entry talked about her latest stress and drama and thats the "normal" kind of hissy fit she has when she is stressed. But little did we know that that was only the first straw on the camels back.

Monday - We didn't really have much to do with her. We just let her have her space. We had stopped going around to her house on Mondays for dinner due to it was getting to stressful on the children. The nights we would go around, they wouldn't have their dinner till the time they normally go to bed. It was getting rather hard to control them when we got home and far to stressful on Jakob and i.

Tuesday - Jakob and Devin drove out to the airport to pick up Johanna and Kyan (Jakobs sister and her son who is the same age as Devin) By the time they get back we only had a mare 2 hours to go to the grocery shop before Jakob was due at the days rehearsals. We opted to not take the children to rehearsals due to Mums previous hissy fit. We also informed Mum that we will most likely not be coming round for dinner at her house seen as we will have dragged our kids to the shows all day and they need to be in bed by 7pm. There was also stressed involved with not having enough bookings for the show and we may not be able to make budget.
She rung us that night complaining about something and from the sounds of things (Jakob was talking to her) she was saying that we don't care about her, that no one cares about her and that shes not important enough to spend gas money on to go have dinner. Which is not true in the slightest. Jakob offered her that he would bring her back to our house after the show and drop her back off later if she so liked. That way she can spend time with her daughter and grandchildren- esp Kyan.

Wednesday - Got up and started getting ready to head to the show. I put dinner in my lovable slow cook and put extra in for Carol if she decided to come back to our house. I was somewhat apprehensive about going seen as i had no idea how she was going to be. But she kept her distance to the point that she paid practically no attention to her daughter she hardly sees and her grandchildren.
That night on the phone again (i can't remember who called who) her and Jakob where again arguing. This time about the lack of bookings and if she would change her answer machine message to add a cell phone number then they may get more bookings. But her being her would not change it. Why? I don't know. I can only assume that it was to much hassel for her. I would hate to have a life where simple tasks where to much hassel to do. How can anyone live with such feelings?
Jakob was heading off to Young Mens and decided to go round and see her to try and talk to her and make some sense of whats going on. To try and figure things out and get peace back into everyones relationships. When he turns, she says something along the lines of "Oh what are you doing here, i need a break from you, you stress me out, the very sight of you annoys me. The sight of you makes me sick". I was not there and so therefore cannot comment on the conversation that took place. I do know that Jakob threatened to quite the show and he also said that he will no longer be there for her the way he has been.
After he gets back from YM , we get a phone call from his brother William saying that she has had someone over for the last 2 hours learning Jakobs lines. He then rings her and all she can say is "you're fired you're fired you're fired you're fired you're fired you're fired". Some time during the night, if it was said at her house or on the phone im not sure but he did say to her that if she fires him then bad things will happen. She took that as he was abusing his Priesthood by saying that. But it has nothing to do with Priesthood. Its true, if she fired him then bad things would happen. She cannot train someone up in one night to play a main role, the show would look a mess and completely unprofessional and it would flop. Bad things.

Thursday - I was so worried about going to the show because i have no idea what her reaction will be with us turning up. We dropped Jakob off and headed off the find a park. As we walk into the theater, all we can here is "you're fired you're fired you're fired you're fired you're fired" She is saying this with a funny smile on her face as her head is bobbying side to side. goodness me. She then rants and raves about how hes stressful and he abuses his Priesthood. I had enough. I just had enough and her being angry at us for no reason just frustrated me. So many times ive seen jakob so happy about something but then when he rings her to tell her she brushes him off and takes away his happiness. it sux to see that happen. So i jump in and say something along the lines of (i can't remember word for word what i said) "You bring this on yourself, All the stress and troubles in your life are cause by you and your laziness" she then then jumps in and says
"i don't care, i love you Alicia"
"I love you too but what kind of mother says to her son i need a break from you, you stress me out, the very sight of you annoys me, the sight of you makes me sick?"
I walk away feeling so angry and shacking because im so scared of confrintation and i have never said anything like that to her. I have always been far to worried about how she will react if i ever tell her how her actions affect me. Ive always kept quiet just to try and keep the peace and not cause her more stress. Even if what she has done throws me into a depression.
Just before the show is due to start, she goes back stage and starts swearing at Jakob rather loudly in front of half the cast and we in the front row of the audience can hear her yelling. she turns to run away and Jakob grabs her and wraps his arms around her and she then falls to the floor in a panic attack.
later that night we get a phone call from her saying she has admitted herself into a mental hospital and needed us to go deal with her children. While Jakob was over there he changed the answer phone message. In the end we got and extra $200 we would not have otherwise gotten if it was not changed.
We then find out that she hasn't admitted herself to hospital, she has just taken herself into emergency psych services (E.P.S) and that she would be going home that night.

I am glad that she went there because she really needed to. But i can't help but wander if it was me that pushed her to it seen as i got in her face and said what i did. But i suppose it doesn't matter if it was what i said or not because she needed help and i don't think she would have gone and gotten help unless she was pushed right to breaking point.

She is still to this day holding grudges against Jakob and I and has also lashed out at Johanna as well. I know she has told anyone and everyone about what happened and has made it out that both Jakob and I abused her. Thats hurtful. I do feel though that i could have said what i did in a more calm manor and not in the heat of the moment. I did however keep what i said relevant to the drama that was going on but i had the thoughts and pain from everything she has ever done.

I still love her and im so happy to know that she is getting the help she needs.
Knowing that this is all happened because she had a melt down and if her mental health wasn't the way it was then none of this would have happened, helps me to be able to forgive her and move on with my life and family. but just because i forgive her doesn't mean that our relationship will go back to the way things used to be. I will never forget what she can be like and keep my eyes open and try to jump out of the way when she starts rolling out of control. That is if she ever can come to the realization that this has all be caused by her mental health and not because Jakob and I are these nasty abusive people and start talking to us again instead of yelling at us.

This has affected my family in a highly negative way. Both Jakob and I are mentally drained. Jakob is spending a lot of time in bed and im rather snappy with my children. This is why i need to forgive her. I see forgiveness as something you need to do in able to let go of the pain you carry. It is not something to do just to make who ever offended you feel better. It is something you do in order to make yourself feel better. If you never forgive someone then you will forever carry that person and what they did around with you. Forgive them and let it go, then you free yourself from them and the pain they caused. If you never forgive then you will forever have anger, hate and bitterness within you and who wants that in their lives.

So Carol, im over this and the pain and anger you have caused my famliy. I forgive you and i let go of all wrongs that you have done. That dose not mean though that i am ready to be all buddy buddy with you. It just means that i am no longer going to let what has happened affect me and my children anymore. I love you and im glad to see you are getting the help you need.