forbidden fun with a Cabby tat, and a brand new body.

Friday the 17th was a very anticipated day. That was the day that i got to drive out to the airport to pick up my best friend Catherine, or Cabby tat as i call her.
I meet her back when i was about 19 and thought i needed her as a friend. Turns out, my judgment was spot on. She was exactly who i needed at that time of my life and i think she will forever be someone i need in my life.
As soon as i told her that Jakob had left again, she looks online and starts organizing for herself to fly down from Wanganui.

I am so thankful that she came. She was exactly what i needed right now. We just have so much fun together and the dynamics of our friendship has not changed even with months and miles apart.

One thing that i am doing right now is making my bedroom MY bedroom. So what do i want to do in my bedroom more than anything else .... PAINT ON MY WALLS!
I now know why the little mischiefs like to draw on walls. Its so much fun. Before anyone starts to stress and worry about my walls i would just like to point out that it is MY house and the wall paper in my room needs to be replaced soon because it has mould stains on it and it is starting to peal. So i thought, why not have some fun and decorate things my way for once before i change the paper. Just right now in my life, i need to paint on my walls. Its so much fun and made me very happy.

Cabby Tat painting a star

Painting Bubbles

My Butterfly

I'll Be Better Now!

~~~~~~~

With all this stress that is going on in my life, i have lost a fair amount of weight. My cloths no longer fit me, so i went out yesterday and bought some new cloths.

I walked into Jay Jays and grabbed a size 14 because thats what i do. I actually picked a size 14 a couple of months ago and almost ran out the store crying because i couldn't squeeze into them, so i thought, i should be able to fit them now, right? I go to try them on and get a shock, not only can i do them up, but i can't keep them up. So i go and get a 12 ... same thing, still a bit loose. I then try a 10. How on earth can i squeeze into a size 10 pair of pants. So here are some pictures of my transformation. The last picture i have of myself was about 2 weeks before Madison was born.

Before

After

Not as old as i thought i was!!

Imagine my horror to find 2 white hairs on my head. I'm only 24 how can i be going gray now?? Sure enough i have had one baby after the other which takes a huge toll on your body, but I'm still 24, my mum who is almost twice my age still has not gone completely gray. I suddenly felt rather old and quickly pulled them out.

The other night i was talking with my sister in law Miriam who had come down for a week. I mentioned i found some white hairs and at first she was as shocked as i was to hear about the misfortune of my premature aging. But upon her questioning, we came to the conclusion that the hairs were not white with age, but were white with stress.

Apparently hair can turn white with stress. The hairs i found where completely white from root to tip where as if it was age it would start from the roots and grow out white. I just woke up one morning and there they were. It was if they appeared over night, long and white. She mentioned that Johanna (another sister in law of mine) had found some of her roots growing in gray.

So i am no longer as old as what i thought i was, but am now more stressed than what i thought i was. I do now regret pulling them out, now that i know they are not from old age. I can now celebrate. I'm still young!

Bad day.

Today was a bad day.

Well the day wasn't bad. I had fun with the kids. Although Madison has now come out in chickenpox, but so far she is doing good. But after the kids went to bed, i feel apart.

I have been trying so hard to keep everything inside, and ignore the fact that my husband is no longer around. And he is no longer there. The man that i was sealed to only just a year ago is no longer there. There is just a someone who looks kind of like him that comes around to spend time with the kids, But the person inside is no longer there.

Devin i think is taking it the hardest. Never underestimate the understanding of a 3 year old. He knows that daddy isn't here so much, he knows he doesn't get to see his daddy as much anymore, he know that daddy doesn't get him up some mornings anymore and he knows that daddy doesn't sleep in mummies room anymore. And hes angry about it. He snobs Jakob when he comes round and he is making life somewhat difficult with his tantrum outbursts of demanding he needs of tv and cookies and refusing to do anything else. Recently he has become more defiant and angery.

Jahshia - Every time someone walks through the front door she screams "Dadad Dadad" and is rather put out if it is not him. She is such a daddies girl and she adores him.

I don't like seeing my kids like this, it breaks my heart.

Tonight was a bad night, i fell apart and cried so much. But tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow i will pick myself up and continue on with the things that need to be done.

Solo Mum

Well i feel that i need to write about this sooner or later, so why not do it now.
It will most likely be a short post, just because i do not want to dwell on this for too long.

Well as some of you know and some of you don't know, for the last month Jakob has been standing at the front door claiming he is leaving. Well On Monday night he finally did. He actually moved out to another house. Not just his mums or a friends for a bit but signed a 3 month lease on a room near the University.

I am trying to look at the positives of this situation because if i dwell on the negative then i become a big ball of blubbering mess that would never be able to get up in the morning.
So the positives are ...

• I can now make MY bed they way that I like MY bed to be made.
• I can now have MY bedroom the way I like it.
• I can now decorate MY bedroom and MY house the way I want to.
• It has forced me to look at my life and the things i need to improve on. Before the kids had Jakob to lean on when mummy was stressed, but now they don't so much, so my kids need me to fix me now. Hence the previous post.
• And lastly - Stress is a very good weight loss. Ive lost all the weight i gained by having the girls, now its just Devins weight i need to loose. And im starting to squeeze myself into some of my B.C cloths (B.C = Before children)

The things that are keeping me afloat at this time is daily prayers and lots of priesthood blessings. Without those, Id fall apart.

I don't want people to think badly about him because these things happen. So please no comments about how much of a jerk he is. I am angry, but anger isn't going to get me anywhere.
We were sitting at the bank the other day, getting separate bank accounts, and we were talking with the lady about Winz and how they see it odd that Jakob and i are on speaking terms. They expect us not to be. And i just said "look we have got kids together. We have to be friends and speak to each other. And we have already done the arguing and me trying to hit him with the car, its now time to be friends"
On Monday night when he was moving, i just fell apart. He was planning on going on Wednesday, which would have been fine because the kids would have been at pre-school and all i had to deal with was him moving. But Monday he came home and said he was leaving now, while i had screaming chickenpox scabbed kids refusing to go in the bath, then when they got in the bath they pooed. It was all to much for me to handle. All i wanted to do was get in the car, drive round the corner, park up and cry. But he wouldn't let me go and stood in front of the car. I didn't try to hit him with the car. I just edge it forward to try and get him out the way. When he left I then spent the rest of the night cleaning MY room and moving things around.

So that's whats going on in the little old life of mine right now. Solo mum.

I'll be better when ...

I have just read a post from an awesome woman who has inspired me to look at my life slightly different and write this post. Thanks

One thing i seem to say to myself a lot is that "I'll be better when ..."
Ill be a better mum when im not so tiered, Ill be better at exercising when im not so tiered, ill be happier when im not so stressed, I'll be a better person to live with when the kids are older and not so needy of my time an energy, Ill be better at cleaning when my time isn't taken up so much by little mischiefs ... I'll be better when ...
I'm forever making this excuse. When i read the post i started to realize that i will forever make this excuse until i decide enough is enough.

Well there are some huge life changes happening right now. Some of you know and some of you don't, and for those who don't, don't worry i am about to post about it soon. Im just waiting for the right time.

So in the light of these new changes i have decided enough is enough. No more excuses because my mischiefs do not need a mother who is full off excuses. Well apart from excercising, i still have excuses there because it is hard to go for a run when you don't have anyone to mind the kids. But my kids need me now to be the better mum, they need me now to be a more plesant person to live with, They need me now not later.

Enough is enough, no more excuses. Its not going to be easy but life isn't easy. I will slip up, i know i will but thats not going to stop me from trying again and again till i am better now because i know that i can be.

I am going to make a little poster and put it on my wall with the saying "I'll be better NOW!!" So every morning when i get up, i will remind myself, enough is enough.

Chickenpox stole my weekend!!

As a mother there are no such things as weekends. I work from about 6.30am till about 10.30pm everyday, 7 days a week. calculate that and its an average of 112 hours a weeks. More than 2 full time jobs combined. For 18 hours of that week, i only have 1 mischief to deal with while the other 2 are at pre-school. Another 6 hours i only deal with my 2 girl mischiefs. The 18 hours happens on Monday 9 hours and Wednesday 9 hours. I consider these days my weekend days. I know they are broken up but its still my "days off". I cherish these days.

Today is a weekend day. Today i planned to do the grocery shopping, buy a present for Ella's birthday on Saturday which the mischiefs are going to, walk around town, do some house work and have a sleep. I was looking forward to today. You could then imagine my horror as i dressed the mischiefs this morning to find some rather ominous blistering spots on them. Chickenpox are going around and my mischiefs did not escape from the jaws of this evil bug. So even tho everyone at pre-school has been exposed to it, its still policy to keep them at home. One good thing tho is that they are not fazed by the ordeal. They are not trying to scratch, they are not sick, they don't have a temperature, they just have spots.
So today we went off to the doctor and confirmed that its chickenpox, then came the fun part ... Shopping!! I needed to go grocery shopping and had to take all 3 mischiefs with me. It wasn't actually that bad. Madison and Jahshia sat in the trolley while Devin helped me get things we needed. We ran into Sarah and Ella at the store. The mischiefs are in home based care and Sarah is the persons house they go to and Ella is her daughter. For a good part of the day Sarah had no children but her own seen as mine weren't aloud to be there. For the rest of the way around the shop all Jahshia was yelling was "Ella Ella". We also ran into Mary and her 2 children Samuel and Rebeca.
Then came the present hunting. I tried to take as little time as possible seen as kids in a toy section is not the funnest thing ever.
Then we went home for a sleep. Jahshia fell asleep in the car and Madison fell asleep not long after. So while Devin sat down and Watched "The Never Ending Story" for the 100th time, i had a lie down. It was nice but not as good as the sleep that i was looking forward to.

So with the Mischiefs with chickenpox, who knows when i will get another weekend day.

I just got a txt from Sarah. Ella has them now to and she is still going to be taking children at her house if parents are ok with it. That means weekends are back on. Friday Devins at pre-school!!

Mana Wahine

Disclaimer

I would just like to point out that i am not a feminist. If anything i am and equalist, if thats anything at all. I believe we all have our roles and responsibilities in this life and not one is greater than the other but instead they go hand in hand with each other.

~~~~

Mana
1. (noun) prestige, authority, control, power, influence, status, spiritual power, charisma - mana is a supernatural force in a person, place or object.

Wahine
(noun) women, females, ladies, wives.


What "Woman" means to me.

The are many different ways to say what gender you are. In particular a female.
There is ..

• Female
• Lady
• Girl
• Chick
• Woman
  

- Female
When i hear the word female i think specifically think of gender - Female, Male.

- Lady
When i hear this word i think about the manor in which one must present herself. Lady-like.
Poised with a calm, collected, disposition. One must never perspire and act with dignity and grace.

-Girl
This word is summed up rather easily. Little.

-Chick
When someone is called a chick i associate it with a friend, mate - my chick friends.

-Woman
This word conjures up some very powerful feelings.
To me this word means strength, courage, durability, wisdom, patients and mother heart.

A mother heart does not mean that you are a mother or even need to be one to gain a mother heart. Some mothers do not have a mother heart and some that are still waiting to be mothers have the strongest ones i know. A mother heart is someone who is caring, nurturing and loving to those around her.

To me woman have strength to deal with all that life has to throw at her, courage to stand up for what she believes, durability to withstand all the rubbish that gets tossed her way by others, wisdom to guide herself and family through the mists of life and patients to help her deal again with life.

I consider myself a woman. Not a perfect woman but i do the best that i can with what i have and therefore i feel that that is all that is expected of me. I do consider myself to be strong. Life has thrown many speed bumps my way, more than what i would think the average 24 year old has had to deal with in life, and i feel that every single on of those speed bumps have molded and shaped me into being strong. I do have my flaky moments but i also think that part of being strong is letting yourself have those flaky moments and then picking yourself up to get on with what needs to be done. Strong also means that you are able to ask for help when you need it and acknowledge when you do need help. That is definitely something i need to work on. Understanding when i need help and being able to ask for it.
I believe i have courage to stand up for what i believe in and for my truths and who i am. I believe that i do stick to my values with strength.
Durability. Wow you have to have durability when you have children and a husband. I am still standing and will forever stand against the hard knocks that get thrown my way.
I don't know if i have wisdom. I have common sense and i think more than what some others may have. Its odd to think that common sense isn't exactly common. I hope that one day my common sense will turn into wisdom.
I do have some patients and it is tried everyday, but i do have some patients.

Ever since i gave birth to Devin, i have said that giving birth is the most un lady-like thing anyone can do, but it is the most womanly thing that you will ever do.

If there was only one thing i could achieve in this life, it would be to insure that my girls grow up to be Women.

I am a Woman. Not a perfect woman but i do the best that i can with what i have.