A weighty issue

We all hear about people who where once over weight but put in the hard yards and lost it all. but upon looking in the mirror of their minds, they still see their large self staring them down. Their minds are still over weight and has not yet adjusted to their new look. They still reach for the size 18 or 20 pair of pants on the rack when in actual fact they need to be getting the size 10 or 12. They are still far to shy to talk to that gorgeous guy sitting at the bar because they feel they will get rejected for their size.

But what about those people who are the other way around? What about those people who have been a very healthy nice weight their whole life but suddenly gained a whole pile of the unwanted bulge.

For some reason i have had mild weight issues through my life. The worst being when i was about 7 years old. I was a little ballerina. Not a form of dance i want my girls to be involved in. When i was little i had many problems with my ears. Ear infection after ear infection which left me feeling rather sick because my sense of balance was rather off and due to the sick feeling, it became a struggle for my mum to get a good meal into me. Due to my lack of desire to eat i looked rather like a twig (my mum always plumped me up with big woolen jersey's to hide my figure just in case someone called child protection. Let me say she was trying everything she could to feed me) But alas. despite my twig like appearance, i still felt like a giant hefferlump thumping across the dance floor. Even to this day, the images in my mind i have of my ballet days are far from truth. I actually saw pictures a few months ago of me in my fancy ballet ensemble. I could not believe my eyes when i saw this "thin as a pin" little girl staring me in the face. Why i felt like i was big, i have no idea. But i did.

I eventually did gain normal weight and lost the view of my delicate frame but that issue of feeling fat when i so clearly was not never left me. Right up until the time i got married i would always reach for the size of pants that was clearly at least one size to big for me. Why? I have no idea. I always felt like a could loose a bit of weight but i was mostly happy with the way i looked. Well happy enough not to do anything about it, but unhappy enough to wear clothing in a way that would hide my insecurities

After giving birth to Devin i soon discovered i had gained a staggering 20kgs (about 45lbs) over the course of the pregnancy. Listening to other woman complain about their pitiful 5kg weight gain would almost bring me to tears. But the biggest issue is that when i walk into a store, i still get the same size clothing off the rack that i used to, but this time i can bearly fit into that size whereas before i was drowning in it. I refuse to buy a pair of pants that will actually fit me right now even tho i do not own a pair that actually fit. I want incentive to go back down to my so called insecurities. So called because i seem to think that gaining this much weight has cured me off my "i think im fat" issues. What silly issues to have. I don't like my size but i am not going to let something like this get me down. its something i can change and something i will change.

I don't like the fact that i have gained so much weight over my pregnancies but i am glad i did. It helped me realize that the size i was before was perfectly fine.