My little secret.

Over the last few months, there is something that has been going on in the background of my life. I have kept it somewhat quiet in order to minimize what could be unnecessary stress, worry and concern. I try to look at life with the thought of " Life happens and it is our job to live it, not to sit about and worry all the time." Although I am not perfect at holding to that principal, I do strive to hold tight to it.
The time has now come that I am able to draw a conclusion to this hic-up in my journey through life, and so I have decided to write a post about it
I have been contemplating how I would tell this story and what exactly I would say, but I wrote a diary entry on Thursday and have decided that sharing that entry would be best seen as it sums the story up nicely and the thoughts that i had during the time.
Warning: This is a long diary entry, so i hope you have time to read.

Thursday 6th January 2011

Today is a significant day. Not only is it the first entry of 2011, but I had a scan today.

Round the beginning of November last year, I found a lump in my left breast. Despite the fact that I had finished breast feeding (mischief 3) about March/April the previous year, I was still mildly lactating and after talking to mum, I thought it might be a blocked duct. So I attempted - completely out of practice - to express the lump away. A lot of stuff came out, but the biggest thing I achieved was giving myself a lovely big bruise.
So the very next day, I toddled off to the Dr. Even tho my G.P is awesome and I grew up with him, exposing my breast to him still felt very uncomfortable. But at the end of the day, I had to do it. Then came the talk about family breast cancer. My Dads Mum, My Dads Fathers Mother and I think there is more on that side but I can't remember. And of course, my personal history with cancer.
We had a talk about things. He could not say for certain, but his ideas are leaning more towards something like a cyst. He sent off a referral to get an ultrasound of the lump.
So I waited and waited. Telling very little people as not to scare, stress and worry people unnecessarily. Got annoyed when Mum told siblings because Nerissa especially worries.
But I started to laugh and joke within myself and those who knew, about how awesome it would be to get a double mastectomy and get bigger breasts, seen as I'm the one in the family that was not gifted with such voluptuous assets and often had that pointed out to me by none other than my Mother. Not to shine a bad light on her, she said it a lot while making my brides maids dress for Nerissa's wedding. She is making all the dresses, so she intimately knows everyones size. Bigger, firmer would be good. Breast feeding 3 kids doesn't help. But no regrets.
After two months of rigorous checking to make sure it was not getting bigger, or smaller, although that would have been good, I finally got my scan.
The mischiefs went to my folks place while Nerissa looked after them and my Mum came with me. Even tho I'm 27 with children of my own, there are still times in a girls life when she needs her Mum. She was there when I gave birth 3 times, so of course she is there when I scan a lump.
I turn up and start filling out the form. Name, D.O.B, When did I find the lump? Where is it? Any other symptoms? Any Family history with Breast Cancer? etc..
As I was filling out the form, I got the first wave of nerves with all of this. So far I've been pretty good. "I can't change anything, so why worry" has been my attitude. Nerves made it more real.
I was then called into the room. Got explained to about what they were doing, then took my tops off and i laid on the bed waiting for the specialist.
Quick Hi's and questions, then I was exposed once more. Uncomfortable but it had to happen. Deep breath, it's ok, He does this all the time. He doesn't care what they look like. Just relax.
Found the lump straight away. About 1cm (100mm). Yeah that was my estimate. White lines coming off it indicates a more benign nature, that's ok ... but it's nobly. Hmm. Could be like a cyst thing but not 100% sure. More tests needed. First one I can do is a mammogram. So again more exposing, touching and prodding. It wasn't as bad as others who have had them said they were. But I'm much smaller than those people. Next step, booked a biopsy 8am Monday morning to get a sample of the cells.

Is this the beginning of a long journey and battle, or just one of those road bumps in life that tend to catch your breath for a second?
I would say that right now i still have the attitude of "I can't change anything, so why worry" but It's slightly different. I'm worried about the journey ahead and how it will affect those around me. I'm not an island, so I know this will affect people. I seem to think we are all swimming in the sea of life. Any move someone makes sends ripples out that touch and affect everyone. We do very little in this life that affects solely us.
I'm not worried about death. When it's time to go, it's time to go and there is very little you can do to change it. I know where I'm going and I have a strong faith that is the rock of my sanity. But I also know it's not my time to go back home just yet. There are still things I need to do and been asked to do in my life that have not yet been finished. So I am very much needed here.
What worries me is how big this could be and how life changing it can be, not only for me, but my family and close friends, and to a degree, anyone I know and anyone I meet because of it. How hard will this journey be? Will it be quick and easy, or long and painful? I don't know, and that scares me. I don't like not knowing. I'm strong enough to get through this, or at least I think I am, But are my kids? Are my family?
Deep Breath. What ever happens happens. Accept it and love life xx

..................................................

So Monday morning, I got up, got myself ready and made my way to my parents house by 7.30am. My Mischiefs had stayed the night there so I didn't need to wake them up and force them out the door in the early morning.
Mum and I made our way back to Canterbury Breast Care. More nerves, more waiting. I finally went back into the ultrasound room and had to endure more exposing myself. I want to say that the needle was massive, but I feel that gravely understates the size of it. It was roughly the thickness of a knitting needle and it had another needle that would shoot out of it and collect worm like samples of tissue. They had to make a decent size nick in my skin to help get the needle in. They also used the ultra sound to guide the needle to get a decent sample. They did this 3 times. It was rather uncomfortable even with local anaesthetic, but extremely fascinating to watch. When that was done, a 20min wait was needed to make sure the needle site was ok and I was not bleeding too much. Then the waiting game was on. I had to rest, no exercise or swimming. I was not able to go for my run, or even swim my laps. I was a bit frustrated with that, but it was worth the sacrifice.
Monday ticked by, then so did Tuesday and it ended with no word of results. I took a deep breath, and rung my Doctor this afternoon...
I can now breath again. Results are in and it is just a Fibradenoma.
Such relief. I am so thankful that I do not have to go through anything more serious right now and I don't have to make my kids go through any more drama just yet. A nice quiet life from now on would be bliss.

I don't need a man.

Right now I am feeling oh so proud of myself. My self worth and love are sky rocketing to the moon in a rocket ship made of warm fuzzy happy feeling. I am so epic!

Now there is indeed a reason to my joyous mood and if you bare with me, I will endeavor to explain before you start thinking that I'm some egotistical maniac that you must hunt and tie up. And please I beg of you not to try and "pop my bubble" or "my big head", It's few and far between in which I encounter this feeling. So please, oh please, let me ride with it.

Back in the first 18 months of my marriage to Jacob, we decided it would be a fun idea if we bought a gazebo. Now I say 18 months because we bought it near the end of living at Richardson Street but I can't remember exactly when that was. It saw a few good times at Richardson Street. A Christmas with family just before we moved up to Christchruch and a Birthday bbq for Jammie and I. See aren't we all having fun in the gazebo.



When we packed up and moved to Christchurch, we unfortunately moved to a house with very little section. No where near enough yard to erect this structure. She sat in our spare garage along with many other things.

A year later, we moved back to Dunedin and moved to North East Valley. The back yard we had, contained ample room to allow the gazebo to show off all her glory once more. That thought excited me. Oh i had many plans for my beloved gazebo but alas, when I suggested to Jacob that we whip her out and have some pleasant shade, He replied with a "Oh, its broken, pieces are missing". Heart broken was I. She sat in our shed, lonely in our shed. Deprived of the glory she so fittingly deserved. Broken, battered, missing polls, this can't be the life she expected.

Once again we moved to our house we bought. She again, sat cold, lonely and now dusty under our house. Over two years she sat there surrounded by all the other long forgotten about junk that tended to follow us where ever we moved. I often thought about her. Thinking how fun it would be if she was able to be put together. I toyed with the idea of buying a new one, but my budget never allowed for it.

As I was cleaning out my house in the plans to move my kids and I back to Christchurch, I came across my beloved gazebo and felt a pang of guilt. For I had started to forget her. I looked at her crumpled on the dirt floor smelling like the neighbours cat and decided to bring her with me, in the hopes to wash her and somehow replace her missing polls. When we arrived in Christchurch, she again was put in the garden shed and has sat there cold, alone and dusty. Until today.

Today I got her out of the shed. I washed her and hung her to dry. I turned to the bag of polls and and decided I would try and see what polls are missing. To my horror, the instructions were missing and the information on what and how many polls there should be was no where to be found either. I sighed and had the thought that the only way I am going to figure out what I need to replace, was to try and put her up again. So off I started. I figured out the roof and found nothing missing there, so I draped her canvas over the top. I then found her legs and with a little help from mischief numbers 1 and 2 her legs were in place. I tied her ropes down, and with an excited giggle, my beloved gazebo was shinning with all her brilliance once more.

Look at her, so pretty.
Jacob probably couldn't be bothered putting her up so he told me she was broken.

So what does this have to do with my egotistical mood and my un-need for a man? I would be asking that very same question if I were reading this as well. Simple answer ..... I did it by myself. No male input was needed and no instructions were looked at. I figured it out all on my own. Then I also started to think ....
*I made a kit set DVD stand all on my own.
*I can sort out a computer and set it up and put it together including the internet on my own.
*Come to think of it, I can do that for all of the house hold electrical gadgets.
*I can mow the law and I actually enjoy it. Yes I know the lawn at the moment needs to be done, but I have no mower.
*I can do the rubbish on my own.
*I can fill my car with petrol on my own.
*I can even change the tire if needs be.
*I can sort my budget and pay my bills all on my own.
*I can do all those so called "manly" tasks all on my own.

But, just because I may not need one, doesn't mean that I do not want one around the house. One would be much appreciated, that is for sure.

Disclaimer

I would just like to point out that i am not a feminist. If anything i am and equalist, if thats anything at all. I believe we all have our roles and responsibilities in this life and not one is greater than the other but instead they go hand in hand with each other.

I opted to put this here from another post I had done just in case people get the wrong idea and start thinking I'm some faminazi. Faminazis annoy me by the way, but that's a completely different post all together.!

A Sence of Humor is a Must!

My Dad works for one of Christchurch News Papers - The Press. He sent me an email with a comic attached that had been going around his work and obviously done by someone who works there. So for all those in Christchurch, I'm sure you will relate and hopefully laugh as much as I did!

My mind is playing tricks.

"Mischief 2 asleep on the living room floor"

Day 6 and exhaustion has long set in. Last night was a miracle, not only did I end up falling asleep on the couch, but I got to sleep before 2am (which is the standard at this present time), and it was also before midnight. It was only a nap on the couch until the earth decided to dance a little jig again, and even with that nap, I still got to sleep before midnight. Admittedly I did lay in bed for almost an hour before my eyes would stay shut.

Yesterday was twirled with a lot of emotions. I woke up tiered and grumpy - The lack of sleep is turning me into the grump monster I really don't want to be. I snapped at the mischiefs, left them in the lounge and went and lay in my bed and started feeling horrible for snapping at them. Just then, another aftershock. It was only a small jolt and I still herd the mischiefs playing babies in the lounge with that horrible voice they put on. I let out a big sigh, then I hear rumbling. Is it a truck? Is it a bus? No, yet another aftershock and a rather bouncy one at that. I have never jumped out of bed as fast as I did. Who needs alarm clocks when earthquakes get you out of bed faster! I ran into the lounge and pushed the mischiefs under the table. Mischief 3 started crying the moment the house started to bounce.

Later that day I ventured out to the supermarket to do my shopping. The city is falling down but life still goes on, still need to keep going. I enlisted the help of my mum with the shopping because school is still out. My house looks like an earthquake hit, and not because of the 100's of aftershocks (I think the total is somewhere in the 200's but only just over 100 have been felt in Christchurch), but because the mischiefs are at home not at school. There were 2 things that the supermarket seemed to be lacking in; Bottled water and rice.

Boiling your water is a pain. Mischief 3 got into the clean cooled down boiled water and tipped soap, food and anything else she could find into it. I had to boil more. I also don't like the idea that I'm showering in water that im not aloud to drink because it may make me sick. That thought proves for very quick showers indeed.

Last night, about 2am, I woke up because something was tickling my face. I look up to see a hand. It was far to big to be a mischief hand and i don't shear my bed with anyone else. Dubiously I picked up the arm to find where it was coming from. The moment I began to move the arm away from me, my right arm starts to feel tingly as blood rushes back into it. It was my own arm that was tickling me. My mind really is playing tricks on me now! Then just after that, I felt another shock. GRRRRRR when are they going to end???

I have no idea how this post is going to sound, and I've noticed that my spelling and grammar is more shocking than ever! I'm rather bad in that area, but anyone following me on Facebook would see that it's gotten so bad since Saturday.
The upscale of anxiety, and general on edge has really frayed a lot of nerves here. Even tho my house is still standing and I have all the facilities one needs, there is still a lot going on around us that can send people to the breaking point. Last night as I lay in bed, I was coming close to that point. But this morning I woke determined not to let this drag me down. I wish right now that I could get out there and help clean up. If the Mischiefs were older, that's exactly what we would all be doing. It does not surprise me that a lot of people are out there helping clean up, its a great way to loose your worries.

"Fire Crew pulling down a chimney on the corner of my street"

Metallica were right to come here ... Christchurch sure knows how to rock!

State of Emergency

I woke up at about 3am Saturday morning. I have a mild cold and woke with my nose completely blocked and feeling like I had been punched in the face. My broken tooth also ached and I stressed about how I would find a cheep dentist to fix my tooth. One of the negatives from having children is that my teeth have become considerably weaker. I stressed for about half an hour before sleep once again graced me with her presents. That was the last time that I've been awake and not been on edge, not jumped at every rumbling sound or every rattle of my windows. Only an hour after my eyes closed that morning, the city of Chirstchurch was violently rocked awake.
At approximately 4.30am, I woke to being violently tossed about in my bed, a split second later sound registered in my mind as a loud crack vibrated the air. My large tv that once sat on my draws, was now face down on the wooden floor. I herd my Mischiefs scream through the ever so loud rumbling. The sound was like 100 Jet Planes flying low over head. I tried to get to them but the constant shaking made it next to impossible. When the earth calmed down a little, I went to go check on them. Mischief 1 was awake and sitting in his bed. "what was that mummy?" "An earthquake honey" "What?" "An earthquake, go back to sleep if you can". The girls door had been slammed shut while the earth heaved our house around. I opened it to find them crying in the dark. I turned their bedside light on and calmed them down. When everyone was settled, I went and sat on my bed. I saw my phone and contemplated calling my mum. It was 5am and I did not want to wake her. What if she had slept through it? Next thing my phone starts ringing and it was my mum. I told her that we are fine and the kids are settled again and that yes, I still have power. My sister and brother were both out of power and my sisters house was a mess. I got off the phone to mum and went back to check on the mischiefs, as I stood in my hall way, I herd only what I can explain as a freight train heading right past an open door. Then the ground began to heave again. More screams from the mischief girls. Mischief 1 however had I think actually gone back to sleep. Like his father, can pretty much sleep through anything at night.
Once again when the girls were settled, I came back to my room, sat on my bed, replied to txts friends had sent and sent some off to others I had not herd from. Friends from Dunedin started txting after they to had been woken up and learned that the epicenter was focused near Christchurch. My Bestie from the middle of the north island also started txting me because she too had been shunned awake by the quake. Every half an hour at the latest, the ground would quiver and mischief 3 would moan. I gave up on sleep at about 6am and came onto my computer to see what I could find out. I listened to the radio as I browsed the net and came across a site I'm now addicted to. GeoNet. There I discovered what scientists at that time said was a 7.4 magnitude earthquake hit just outside of Christchurch. I knew we had an earthquake but had no idea it was that big. Although as the day progressed, further study of the information now states that is was a 7.1 magnitude but much shallower than originally thought.
During the morning, friends who were out and about would show up to see if my mischiefs and I were alright. Sometime during the later part of the morning, I decided to take a "tiki tour" to my parents place. I came across a scene just meters from my old High School. It was by the Avon river and a lot of the urban mess can be found by the beautiful Avon river that runs through the City. The road was torn apart, crossing islands ripped by gaping holes. Gutters and drains torn from the road and some crumbled like yesterdays newspaper. Pot holes in the grass with the river now flowing beneath them, coupled with silt covering the once were foot paths. Many people were awestruck, and I herd a fair amount of impressive slang that would not be appropriate to repeat.
In true Cantabrian teenage form, young boys were out jumping over/off the jagged cracks on their skateboards, all across this section. I had a little giggle and took a photo of them.
I then continued the journey to my parents house, and moving away from the river, the damage that could be seem was minimal. The odd chimney had fallen down and some looked like they were about to topple at the slightest breeze. I arrived at my parents to find a driveway full of bricks. Bricks! Mum said nothing about anything falling down when she had rung me numerous times that morning. Upon entering the house and greeting My parents and a frazzled sister who's house was a mess and had been cut off from power and maybe water, I then learned that the piles of bricks were the once old chimney that Dad has been meaning to dismantle for some time. He said it was a miracle it didn't fall down in the quake. With no effort at all, he was able to just pick up the bricks, one by one, and drop them on the drive.
That seems to be the general feel for everyone at the moment. "Its a miracle that ...." Everyone has a story, and everyone feels it could have been worse and are thankful it was not.

It is now Monday morning, and I am still on edge. We have felt countless aftershocks, and every truck rumble or plane over head brings a slight skip of the heart and a split second surge of adrenaline wondering if diving for the nearest table or door frame is needed. Going to sleep is hard. Both nights I've left it until I am exhausted to crawl into my bed, for I know any attempts to sleep prior to that, would be fruitless. When I am at that point, and I close my eyes, I feel as tho my bed is shaking. Sometimes I'm right, and sometimes it's just my mind playing tricks. Last night however, there was another shake as I was drifting off to sleep.
School is out until Wednesday. Now is not a time I feel good about being away from my Mischiefs, But i would be lying if i said part of me wants to be able to clean my house without them around.
I am thankful that not only is my shopping day Wednesday and that when I go shopping, I buy for the week, but also for those years of marriage to a man who would never let our cupboards go empty. I have kept that up since our separation, and at a quick estimation, I could stretch the food I have to last about 2-3 weeks. My milk goes off on the 12th, so hopefully by then I will be able to get more. From what I understand, Supermarkets are open and getting things in, but things like bread and bottled water are flying off the shelves. I'm Thankful that my car also has nasty but safe to drink Dunedin water rolling around in bottles. I have them there just in case there are any unfortunate circumstances during long distance trips.
My power never went out and neither did my water which I am also thankful for. I'm also thankful that I have so many containers full of kids toys, that when I found out that water may be cut (at first my parents had water, then they didn't), I started filling them with water.

This has been a massive shock to the system. Even tho the only damage my house took was my tv, the destruction around the City has brought me to tears. Right now I'm trying to hold them back. Opawa Chapel is still standing, no damage. The Stake Center has huge cracks up the walls, and Avonside Chapel has a crack from Pulpit to Rec hall, with bricks fallen in the hall ways. I have not herd about Cashmere Chapel, but it is also by a river, so it wouldn't surprise me to find that's cracked to the nines as well.

I have a collection of photos and a video that I have taken so that you all out there may see what I have seen. I have seen houses that have been destroyed but out of respect for the owners, I did not want to exploit their sufferings. Photos however never capture the full beauty of all nature has to offer. I find myself using words such as "Amazing", "Spectacular", "Incredible" because there are no others large enough to describe fully and give mother nature the reverence she deserves.
This has been a humbling experience to realize that we can do what we want, build what we want, but both Mother Nature and God Rule Supreme.

The Girls helping move the old chimney bricks off the dive

Please excuse the long pauses and the constant saying of "just". I was lost for words. You can also tell that my cold is still hanging around.

Oh to be a Bakery Roll

I was down at my local Mall this morning and I happened to walk past this big sign outside the Supermarket.

I thought my spelling was bad.... Only in Linwood!

One Wheel Van.

A couple days ago, I learned that my Van only has one wheel that is turned by the engine. Is that even right? Well it seemed to be the case that day. When standing behind the pastel green beast, It is the back left wheel that turns. How did I find this out you may ask ... Well ...

I woke that morning at about 430am listening to mischief 2 cough cough coughing away. She did not cease until sometime mid-morning. The amount of sleep I achieved to grab after that time was next to none. Later that morning at an appropriate time to get the mischiefs up and ready for their various destinations, I noticed that my head was somewhat sore. This was not an odd occurrence, as it seems to be happening rather frequently at this given time. Normally when I get up and start the daily grind, the aforementioned sore heads tend to evaporate. That day however, was different. That sore head started to get worse and worse and by mid morning i could hardly move. So I then gathered up mischief 3 and found my way over to my parents house to raid their cupboard for pain relief goods. After I had taken what i thought was sufficient enough to knock this soon to be migraine (although it most likely already was due to my oncoming nausea and light sensitivity) on the head, and also stuffed in my pockets some reserves for later, I found my way back to my house, put mischief to bed and then did the same for myself.
I woke a couple hours later to find that my head was no longer sore, but I did have that slight feeling of cotton wool foggyness. I shook it off and set out to pick up the mischiefs from their places of learning. As I arrived home, I turned my van around so i could back into my drive (for some reason, I do enjoy backing into my driveway and prefer to do this when I can instead of driving in front ways). Due to my mild foggy-headedness and my poor spacial awareness, I missed the drive by a tire width and landed my back left tire in the deep gutter. I put the van in drive in order to get the tire out. But it did not move. Why was it not moving? I jumped out of the car, looked around, just one tire was in the gutter, so why was the other ones not moving to get that one out? I then got mischief 1 out of the car and asked him to look at the guttered tire and tell me what it was doing. As I put my foot on the gas, he calls to me and says "Its just going round and round, that's all, just round and round".
As I stood on the side of the road, with my Van stuck in the gutter, hazard lights on, I watched many people drive around me but none stopped to help. There wasn't anyone to call to help because they were all at work. I didn't want to call roadside rescue because I want to save my 2 free call outs per year for something that i actually solely their help for, like locking my keys in my van and it was only the beginning of the car insurance year. I stood there, on the side of the road, still in my pajamas by the way (under my track pants and jacket - not a good fashion day that day either) about to burst into tears, when I spotted a high school student walking on the other side of the road. I flagged her down and she pushed my van while I attempted to drive my car out of the gutter. Success!!
But it leaves me with the questions .... Why was that the only wheel that was turning? And why did it have to be the one that got stuck? One wheel? Are you serious? I must be wrong. shouldn't I?
I am so glad that day is over. May I not have another one of those again for a few years please.