My past catches up

For those who read my blog rather attentively and love to flip through all the comments that other interested readers may leave, you may have noticed a comment recently by someone from my past.

Darren is an ex-boyfriend of mine. We had a fairly big relationship back at the end of my teenage years. I just thought, he may be reading this, so i need to watch what i say ha ha. He was the guy i dated before i found Jakob. Although there was like a year in between that relationship ending and meeting Jakob. Thought i might make that clear just in case i look like a tramp or something ha ha.
I haven't seen or herd from him in about 5 or 6 years and he suddenly writes a comment on my blog. Although the oddest thing about it is, the day before the comment appeared, was the day Jakob and i decided we needed some "time out" and not talk to each other for a while. We were driving each other more so insane that what we already are.
We have talked a bit and caught up with what each other is doing in life and sorted out how he found me. When we were dating he had a friend called Pete. When Darren and i broke up, i stayed friends with Pete. We are still friends now. Hes the one that feed the ducks with me when i recently went up to Christchurch (post here). Pete was at a party the other night and found that Darren was at the party as well. So they chatted and caught up and Pete gave him my blog address. So that makes me more relieved hes not a stalker.
But it is odd that he just suddenly appeared out of no where the day after Jakob and i decided not to talk to each other. But i do not believe in coincidence's, things happen for a reason. And it just so happens that he has said a few things to me that have made me think. He will have no idea what it is he said or even what i am thinking about, but sorry Jakob i don't think its good for you. I'm not going to shear what i am thinking because it is rather personal. But he has made me think about the situation i am in and where exactly i am heading in life.
So who knows now where life will take me. Not that i knew anyways but i am now starting to think long a hard about a lot of things.

Dead tooth

About a week ago, Devin and Jahshia where play fighting as they do. Yes Jahshia is very much a girl who loves to dress up and be all girly, but she also likes to play fight. While they were rolling around the floor and the couch there was a rather unfortunate collision between a three year old head and a 2 year olds mouth. After many tearful hugs, and sobbing apologies, followed by a lecture about how we need to be careful, things seemed to go back to normal. Or at least what normal is for this house hold. Later on that night i noticed Jahshia was avoiding eating with her front teeth and grizzled every time she had to pull the lid of her drink bottle up with her teeth. I thought id just keep and eye on it.

And so i did, kept an eye on it. She went back to eating fine and was no longer grizzling about it, so i left it at that. Until this morning.

This morning i noticed that her tooth was turning gray. Not a good sign. So off we trotted to the dentist. We found out that yes her tooth has died and that she has little if no feeling in that tooth. I am so proud of her though. We had to do x-rays of the tooth and she did all that the dentist asked her to do and she sat on my knee so still while they took the x-ray and they got a very good x-ray of her tooth.

So proud of my darling little trouper.

But its November

Its November right? Last month of spring down here in New Zealand right?

Then why did i wake up this morning to find a light dusting of SNOW, yes snow round my house. Its a month before summer and there is snow on the ground. This dose not make sense.

I would love to take pictures for those who do not believe me but alas, my camera is in the shop being fixed. I bought the camera 4 years ago and purchased a 5 year extended warranty with it. Im so glad i did now.

But snow? It makes no sense.

Chaos in a world of responsability.

I think im going rather insane. Well more so than what i was before. I got a new hair cut the other day and i put highlights in it as well. Red and blond. I wanted a mixture of thick chunky ones and thin ones but they only did thin ones, or if they did do fat ones they are no where near as fat as i wanted. So then i decided that i will get some more done and add purple and blue in it. Yes purple and Blue. See i am going ever more insane.

I am reverting back to my young teenage punk look, although i am leaving my old leather collar with a variety of spikes in my draw. I can and will admit that i see a therapist each week. I do not think that there is anything wrong with me talking to someone because of all the stuff that is happening in my life right now and also not long before all if it happened, the Doctor did put me on an anti-depressant due to Post natal depression and anxiety. Although it was more anxiety because i was doing some crazy "O.C.D tendency" things as my Doctor put it. So i have been seeing someone since then. Nothing wrong with that. But i was talking to her last week about painting on my walls and wanting my hair done and i realized that i have so much responsibility on my own now that i am "breaking out" and "breaking the rules" where im aloud. Causing Anarchy and Chaos to release the berdon of so much responsability.

I do have to admit that I'm having a lot of fun and i do feel a happines within myself that i had long forgotten. So, long may this last and and long may i remember who i am.

♥I am a Woman, a child of god, a princes in the kingdom of our Father in Heaven, Who likes to wear wings and rock out to music while painting on my walls.♥
♥Im a tough, hard, punk arse, rock chick ..... who has 3 kids and drives a pastel green mini van and has morals and standards♥
♥I am a conumdrum, a puzzel and full of contradictions♥

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Highlights the camera didn't pick up to well.

My arms i made the other day.

forbidden fun with a Cabby tat, and a brand new body.

Friday the 17th was a very anticipated day. That was the day that i got to drive out to the airport to pick up my best friend Catherine, or Cabby tat as i call her.
I meet her back when i was about 19 and thought i needed her as a friend. Turns out, my judgment was spot on. She was exactly who i needed at that time of my life and i think she will forever be someone i need in my life.
As soon as i told her that Jakob had left again, she looks online and starts organizing for herself to fly down from Wanganui.

I am so thankful that she came. She was exactly what i needed right now. We just have so much fun together and the dynamics of our friendship has not changed even with months and miles apart.

One thing that i am doing right now is making my bedroom MY bedroom. So what do i want to do in my bedroom more than anything else .... PAINT ON MY WALLS!
I now know why the little mischiefs like to draw on walls. Its so much fun. Before anyone starts to stress and worry about my walls i would just like to point out that it is MY house and the wall paper in my room needs to be replaced soon because it has mould stains on it and it is starting to peal. So i thought, why not have some fun and decorate things my way for once before i change the paper. Just right now in my life, i need to paint on my walls. Its so much fun and made me very happy.

Cabby Tat painting a star

Painting Bubbles

My Butterfly

I'll Be Better Now!

~~~~~~~

With all this stress that is going on in my life, i have lost a fair amount of weight. My cloths no longer fit me, so i went out yesterday and bought some new cloths.

I walked into Jay Jays and grabbed a size 14 because thats what i do. I actually picked a size 14 a couple of months ago and almost ran out the store crying because i couldn't squeeze into them, so i thought, i should be able to fit them now, right? I go to try them on and get a shock, not only can i do them up, but i can't keep them up. So i go and get a 12 ... same thing, still a bit loose. I then try a 10. How on earth can i squeeze into a size 10 pair of pants. So here are some pictures of my transformation. The last picture i have of myself was about 2 weeks before Madison was born.

Before

After

Not as old as i thought i was!!

Imagine my horror to find 2 white hairs on my head. I'm only 24 how can i be going gray now?? Sure enough i have had one baby after the other which takes a huge toll on your body, but I'm still 24, my mum who is almost twice my age still has not gone completely gray. I suddenly felt rather old and quickly pulled them out.

The other night i was talking with my sister in law Miriam who had come down for a week. I mentioned i found some white hairs and at first she was as shocked as i was to hear about the misfortune of my premature aging. But upon her questioning, we came to the conclusion that the hairs were not white with age, but were white with stress.

Apparently hair can turn white with stress. The hairs i found where completely white from root to tip where as if it was age it would start from the roots and grow out white. I just woke up one morning and there they were. It was if they appeared over night, long and white. She mentioned that Johanna (another sister in law of mine) had found some of her roots growing in gray.

So i am no longer as old as what i thought i was, but am now more stressed than what i thought i was. I do now regret pulling them out, now that i know they are not from old age. I can now celebrate. I'm still young!

Bad day.

Today was a bad day.

Well the day wasn't bad. I had fun with the kids. Although Madison has now come out in chickenpox, but so far she is doing good. But after the kids went to bed, i feel apart.

I have been trying so hard to keep everything inside, and ignore the fact that my husband is no longer around. And he is no longer there. The man that i was sealed to only just a year ago is no longer there. There is just a someone who looks kind of like him that comes around to spend time with the kids, But the person inside is no longer there.

Devin i think is taking it the hardest. Never underestimate the understanding of a 3 year old. He knows that daddy isn't here so much, he knows he doesn't get to see his daddy as much anymore, he know that daddy doesn't get him up some mornings anymore and he knows that daddy doesn't sleep in mummies room anymore. And hes angry about it. He snobs Jakob when he comes round and he is making life somewhat difficult with his tantrum outbursts of demanding he needs of tv and cookies and refusing to do anything else. Recently he has become more defiant and angery.

Jahshia - Every time someone walks through the front door she screams "Dadad Dadad" and is rather put out if it is not him. She is such a daddies girl and she adores him.

I don't like seeing my kids like this, it breaks my heart.

Tonight was a bad night, i fell apart and cried so much. But tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow i will pick myself up and continue on with the things that need to be done.