In laws ..... Out-lawed!!!!!!! continued

I have a post in the making that im unsure if i should publish or not.
It depicts the rest of her hissy fit she had after i wrote my last blog.
Im questioning about if i should publish or not.
This was a huge meltdown for her and she became very mentally ill.
I still love her and in respect for her i do not think it is right to publish her mis-doings while she was sick.
But she seriously hurt everyone around her including Jakob and i and if our children where older they would have been hurt as well. They were already affected by it through stressed and hurt parents. And shes still going, and the pain and stress she has caused has far but died away. This is not the first time she has done something like this.
Jakob and I feel that she has smeared our names through the mud to anyone who will listen and thats hurts. So do i want to smear her name through the mud? I have written the blog in honesty and attempted to do so without running her down and showing her disrespect. Although her actions are far from pleasant and do show her in a bad light, hence my dilemma...

To post or not to post???

In laws ..... Out-lawed!!!!!!!

In Laws.
Im sure anyone and everyone who has them could right a few blogs or two on them and how they affect their lives.

It took Jakob about 4 years to "warm up" to my parents. Now he says " Everything your parents have done or said to us have been right and they have always had our best interests at heart" Although at the time they where doing something he didn't always have that point of view. He feels like he has got a pretty good deal when it come to In laws.
Me, well i would say that i have been blessed with non monster like In laws. Ive never meet my farther In law because he passed away before i meet Jakob. But everyone says that he would have liked me, and I don't have a bitter rivalry with my mother in law on how im not up to her standards on how a mother should be.

I love my mother in law. Love her enough to call her mum and have her present at the birth of Devin and Madison (we were in a different city when Jahshia was born but if we were in Dunedin then she would have been there to) I feel i need to add that disclaimer in right now. Not only to let anyone who may read this know, but also remind myself that i do really love her despite what she may do.
Although at the moment she is not in my "good books" and i don't think im in hers. She is a drama queen in all aspects of the term. She is an amazing child author and playwright and she teaches drama as well. She lives and breaths drama. And if there is no drama happening in her life, then she will create one by causing some sort of an issue. Most of the time when this happens, Jakob and i are the center of the problem.

Her latest one ....

Every school holidays she puts on a childrens play. It is show week starting tomorrow and the last week Jakob has been at rehearsals almost every day. Last holidays, our kids really missed their dad because they hardly saw him. They mad their feelings show by many hissy fits and screams for their daddy. Also Jakob missed them. He loves his kids and loves spending time with them. So this time Jakob would take one child to rehearsals with him so that can have time with daddy. Problem solved. But no. This time my mother in law has decided to pick on this and cause a big drama over it. She somehow feels like her shows have become a babysitter for my kids while i "have a break", and has gotten rather angry about it, which has cause a lot off ill feelings around us. I never asked Jakob to take the kids with him so i can have a break. We talked about it because Jakob wanted his kids with him and his kids need him. Yes a break for me was one of the benefits of him taking one of the three children, but was not at all part of the conversation or made into a point on which it persuaded our views on weather to take a child or not. The only reason why they went with him was to spend time with him. No one else minded that Devin or Jahshia was there.

Im not wanting to go to the show now. I do not feel welcome. I don't even feel that my children are welcome and its a childrens show. Right now i don't feel like i have the emotional energy to deal with her hissy fits and made up dramas.

I could spend hours on talking about the different dramas she had caused and aimed at us over the last 4 years but I do love her and we need to keep the past in the past.

It has left me though with one thought....
Will she ever stop throwing her dramas on us?

And along came winter.

Its cold
Its cold
Its cold

Its so cold that my heat pump keeps turning off to de-frost itself because it has been iced up on the outside. (im not looking forward to my power bill but id rather cry over a big power and be warm(in one room), than just cry because im so cold and im making my kids so cold)

Its so cold that 4 douvets on your bed just doesn't cut it.

Its so cold i have to put my feather down jacket on just to leave the living room to enter another part of my house.

cold cold cold cold cold.

but on the flip side .....

You can have as many hot chocolates as you want, cook yummy hot casserole and have pumpkin soup all snuggled up under the blankets.
You have pretty views of snow covered hills (or backyards in my case) and make an army of snow men.

I was woken at 5am today to feed a hungry little girl and it was freezing. I looked out the window and saw a white blanket covering my house. I have 4 douvets on my bed and yet could not get back to sleep because i was rather cold. Tonight i am getting my electric blanket out and seeing if it still works and if so, it will be put on my bed. Sure ok im worried about my power bill but it will be only put on in the mornings after feeding. Its the coldest then and i often can't find my way back to sleep due to my constant shivering. But Jakob finished work at 7am and he came and snuggled for a little bit and got me back to sleep before he was dragged away by the demanding howls of "daddy, we go lounge" "come daddy".
I then arose at 10am to a very excited Devin wanting to "go play snow". So without hesitation, Devin, Jahshia and I got all geared up in our wollen jursys, gloves, hats, gumboots and big jackets and ventured outside. I went to get the camera only to find that the battery was low. Just my luck. So i plugged it in and thought id come back later to take pictures. Unfortunately by the time it had charged enough for me to take pictures, Jahshia had had enough and all the pictures of her are her crying because i wasn't holding her hand. But trust me she did have fun and giggle loads. we made a snow man which Devin loved doing. Although it was hard to get him to start because all he wanted to do was throw snow at me. I was bending over to roll some snow and there was a small gap in my clothing which showed a tinny slither of my back, which then Devin thought it would be rather amusing if he through snow on my back at that precise moment. Oh my goodness that was cold. I just had to laugh at him or else i would have been somewhat angry and that would have ruined our time.
My mum is suppose to be coming down from Christchurch today. I cannot get a hold of her to see if she can actually make it. Although looking out my living room window i cannot see much snow on the adjacent hill, so the motorway could be open. I hope she makes its. Ive been looking forward to her coming.
I love snow. But i would love it more if my whole house was warm and we didn't have to huddle in one room to keep warm.

our snow man

Devin and Jahshia

Even our dog Kirby loved it

These pictures were taken this morning, it has since snowed again and all our foot prints are disappearing. My poor poor vegie garden is covered in snow, ops.


And along came winter.

Baby Blues

After writing this entry i wasn't exactly sure if i wanted to post it. Its rather personal and talks about things that id rather keep locked in my little black box of forbidden feelings.
But i am trying to be more honest with myself. I also found it rather therapeutic and thought i would shear due to the fact that im not the only one that feels this way so why keep it hidden. Also this is supposed to record my thoughts and feeling, good or bad.
So here goes ......


I love my kids. I really do. But im not having anymore. Anyone who thinks other wise can go run away.
After having Jahshia i suffered the baby blues. Its not a fun thing to experience feeling absolutely weighed down by all the new responsibilities you have on top of the ones you already have.
Honestly there were days that i walked out the house, leaving screaming kids behind and tearfully saying to Jakob "i can't do this, i don't want them, they are your kids now."

I got through it and settled down to raising our then two beautiful children.
I was rather apprehensive when Jakob later on starting his talks about adding yet another mischief to the herd. But i thought that our marriage was stronger than it has ever been before, he had become more helpful around the home and i gave him a huge talk about how "being pregnant isn't easy" and if he felt he could deal with a tearful, bipolar like, wale of a wife then ok, we will go for another one. He was much more supportive this time than with the other pregnancies, but i was still worried about what would happen afterwards. Would those formidable baby blues brake into my "meant to be happy" world and shatter everything to a puddle of broken tears, slammed doors and cries of "i can't". This is what ive feared more so than giving birth. Sure there is a chance that they wont even look my way seen as the first two pregnancies where somewhat troubled. With Devin our marriage was, well lets just say it wasn't the healthiest of relationships which carried onto the pregnancy with Jahshia. While i was pregnant with her, our relationship took a nose dive into separation. It was a time of blended emotions, shattered hearts and sleepless nights. Jakob was not well and i wanted him to know that i would be there for him when ever he needed me and in doing so suffered many broken hearts while watching him fix himself. He is now nothing like he used to be. He is not the man i married and im so happy for that. But during that time i did regret being pregnant and even contemplated adoption. But before i gave birth we where on track to fixing our lives and building a happy home. I'd always thought that maybe the turmoil times of the pregnancy gave me more of a predisposition for the baby blues to sneak their way into my world.

But why now? What have i done this time that has sent an invite to the much unwanted depressive monster.
He is forever banging at my door. Sometimes i can ignore that incisive noise from his banging, but other times i give in and the stench from his poisonous attitude comes seeping into my thoughts.

Not long after a gave birth, someone who will remain nameless had interpreted a blessing Madison had and told us that we were going to have two more children. I was far from amused. In fact that swung the door wide open for the monster to come in and devour all my happiness. I was in tears. How am i going to have two more? I had just started to think about going to uni when Madison is older. So when do i have these two more? Do i continue on with having all my children at once and getting it "over and done with" which means i still have five years or so of tiered sleepless nights. Or do i go to uni and have these two other children when ive finished and put off going to work for a few years. Or do i try and do everything all at once. All these questions added very unwanted and unnesessary stress which resulted in anger and tears. It wasn't until i talked to Jakob about it that he gave me a blessing and the nasty monster started packing his bags and sadly left. But he didn't want to leave. He turned right around and once again started his knocking.

Recently his vile ooze has been seeping through again. Im physically and emotionally tiered. I feel i have no more strength left to hold the door closed and block all the gaps so he can't creep in. My checks are sore from the salty rivers flowing down my face. Im sure if our house had feelings he would be rubbing his wounded door frames and nursing his poor ear drums.

It's not easy getting up at 7am and being with children right up until midnight. Yes some days i do get a nap but it's not always enough. Im sick of having mindless 3year old conversations about how "bees are in my mouth" and "butterflies eat bees" "talk to me mummy" "why" and all those odd things 3year olds think. They are funny and endearing but right now im just not in the mood.
Then there is trying to understand what "bler der berr" means. I was always told that girls pick up speech faster than boys, but not in this case. She understands pretty much everything we say, she just wont say anything. She's driving my car to insanity with me locked in the boot.
Then there is a baby that loves cuddles. Sure it's fine if she is the only one i have but trying to hold her and deal with everything else around me is getting to much. And shes a tummy sleeper which is a HUGE no no. We can't sleep her on her tummy for fear she will suffer from S.I.D.S (sudden infant death syndrome a.k.a cot death). I have tremendous troubles trying to get her to sleep on her back. She wont settle properly but as soon as i turn her on her tummy (which isn't often) she falls asleep almost instantly. So what am i suppose to do. Sleep her on her tummy and live in fear about how safe she will be, or stick with the sleeplessness and slow road to insanity?
Then there is all the none children stresses.
Jakob still spending money on things he doesn't need when our credit cards look rather unhealthy. We had a huge argument the other day when he bought yet another pair of shoes (he now has 16 pairs of shoes) that are the same style as most of his other ones, just another colour. Sure ok they were only $15, but does someone really need 16 pairs of shoes. He asked me to help him give up spending but so far i have not been successful. He just gets annoyed at me if i tell him he doesn't need to buy the millionth item of something.
The cold. I hate the cold. Huddled in my lounge late this afternoon feeling the cold bite my toes and watching my icy breath appear, i just burst into tears.
Im so thankful that we have the opportunity to have our own home. I just think the responsibility of owning is getting me down. There is some work that needs to be done but i have no idea where we are going to get the money to do it. This is something that i think about a lot and is getting me down and opening that door for the monster.
How do i balance out my life and worries? I feel i have so many concerns at the moment and they are all weighing me down. I need time to myself just to worry about myself. But unfortunately its not possible right now. I have this cute bundle of terror that i must have with me at all times. Right now im feeling and asking myself "Why did i do this again"
I can't be bothered doing this again and will not be doing this again. I really don't like this feeling and im over having children. I know this is just a stage of having children and it will be over but once its over thats it, im not going back here. Ive reached my limit.
And as much as i think he is, Jakobs not a mind reader, so i need to stop getting angry at him for not knowing how im feeling when i don't even tell him. I wish he was tho. When ive snapped at him, its not easy to turn around and tell him whats on my mind because he doesn't really want to listen to my rants when hes grumpy at me. And i don't blame him.

Ive just been painted blue lately.

Birthday surprises.

My mum can be a rather odd person.
When i was younger, my bedroom had a phone jack and i saw this awesome winnie the pooh phone at the store. I wanted that phone. It was a big plushy winnie the pooh teddy with a phone attached to it. I loved teddy bears and adored winnie the pooh. My birthday was comming up and all i wanted was the winnie the pooh phone. It was rather expensive and my parents where not keen on me having my own phone in my bedroom. My birthday came along and as i was handed my gift i could tell by the size it was not my longed for phone. But as i unwrapped it there was a couple things wrapped up and one was a winnie the pooh clip on for a phone. "now you can make any phone a winne the pooh phone" so in a way they got me a pooh bear phone.
Another birthday all i wanted was a car. I didn't have my licence because the public bus system where i grew up was very reliable and rather cheep. 50c got me into town, stay there for 4 hours and then back home again. but i thought if i had a car that would motivate me to get my licence. My birthday came along and sure enough my parents had bought me a car. but what i failed to state was that i wanted a car that i can drive, or even just fit in. They thought it would be funny if they got me a matchbox car. That wasn't the only thing i got so i did find the joke rather funny.

This year for Jakobs birthday my mum bought him a slow cook. "A slow cook? your mum bought me a slow cook? your mum didn't buy me anything, she bought you something" was his reaction. But what my darling hubby fails to realize is that yes she did buy us (or me) a slow cook but in the act of doing so she gave Jakob a calm (well not all the time) happy wife who doesn't stress so much about dinner which in turn creates a happy home. So if you think about it, my mum gave Jakob a happy home for his birthday.

I love my slow cook. It is the best invention ever. I just put all the ingredients in the pot in the morning, turn it on, and by dinner time i have this lovely cooked dinner with very little effort.
It is rather hard when it comes to 4pm and its time to cook dinner with 3 screaming mischief children wanting your attention and 2 of them stealing biscuits (or cookies depending on what you want to call them). It doesn't always work. But with my slow cook i can play with the kids up until its time to put dinner out. Its so easy and so stress free. Every mother needs one of these.
Another good thing about them is that they use little power. So you can make yummy hot casserols with a fraction of the power you would be using if cooked in the oven, and with a fraction of the hassel.

Thank you to who ever invented this amazing kitchen tool. I love it to bits.

my awesome slow cook

A weighty issue

We all hear about people who where once over weight but put in the hard yards and lost it all. but upon looking in the mirror of their minds, they still see their large self staring them down. Their minds are still over weight and has not yet adjusted to their new look. They still reach for the size 18 or 20 pair of pants on the rack when in actual fact they need to be getting the size 10 or 12. They are still far to shy to talk to that gorgeous guy sitting at the bar because they feel they will get rejected for their size.

But what about those people who are the other way around? What about those people who have been a very healthy nice weight their whole life but suddenly gained a whole pile of the unwanted bulge.

For some reason i have had mild weight issues through my life. The worst being when i was about 7 years old. I was a little ballerina. Not a form of dance i want my girls to be involved in. When i was little i had many problems with my ears. Ear infection after ear infection which left me feeling rather sick because my sense of balance was rather off and due to the sick feeling, it became a struggle for my mum to get a good meal into me. Due to my lack of desire to eat i looked rather like a twig (my mum always plumped me up with big woolen jersey's to hide my figure just in case someone called child protection. Let me say she was trying everything she could to feed me) But alas. despite my twig like appearance, i still felt like a giant hefferlump thumping across the dance floor. Even to this day, the images in my mind i have of my ballet days are far from truth. I actually saw pictures a few months ago of me in my fancy ballet ensemble. I could not believe my eyes when i saw this "thin as a pin" little girl staring me in the face. Why i felt like i was big, i have no idea. But i did.

I eventually did gain normal weight and lost the view of my delicate frame but that issue of feeling fat when i so clearly was not never left me. Right up until the time i got married i would always reach for the size of pants that was clearly at least one size to big for me. Why? I have no idea. I always felt like a could loose a bit of weight but i was mostly happy with the way i looked. Well happy enough not to do anything about it, but unhappy enough to wear clothing in a way that would hide my insecurities

After giving birth to Devin i soon discovered i had gained a staggering 20kgs (about 45lbs) over the course of the pregnancy. Listening to other woman complain about their pitiful 5kg weight gain would almost bring me to tears. But the biggest issue is that when i walk into a store, i still get the same size clothing off the rack that i used to, but this time i can bearly fit into that size whereas before i was drowning in it. I refuse to buy a pair of pants that will actually fit me right now even tho i do not own a pair that actually fit. I want incentive to go back down to my so called insecurities. So called because i seem to think that gaining this much weight has cured me off my "i think im fat" issues. What silly issues to have. I don't like my size but i am not going to let something like this get me down. its something i can change and something i will change.

I don't like the fact that i have gained so much weight over my pregnancies but i am glad i did. It helped me realize that the size i was before was perfectly fine.

Gender confused

Sometimes i feel like my husband Jakob and i seem to have the gender rolls a little muddled.
Don't get me wrong he is male and very much a male and im very much a woman. But there are just some aspects of our life that seemed to have switched places.

Such things are
1- We went out the day and spend round about $100 (or there abouts) on a hair straightener. A nice one as well. One that you can use on wet hair. We bought this to replace our old straightener that was not quite doing the job anymore. One would assume that the act of getting a new straightener and then using it would be the desire of a female. But to think that in this instance would be a grave mistake. This straightener was purely Jakobs idea and want. He uses the straightener almost EVERY day. Where as i on the other hand only uses it sporadicly.

2- Cloths and buying cloths. Although this aspect of my life has been hindered some what from my fluctuating of weight from making our 3 mischiefs but i still think this backwards.
Jakob loves cloths. He loves buying cloths and he will make up any excuse to do so. he enjoys going round the shops looking for a bargain (which is an excuse to actually buy an item) Very rarely dose he come home empty handed. He has more cloths than i do (he has a whole set of draws in our basement full of cloths) Socks ..... he has about 30 pairs at least. Where as i don't enjoy shopping so much or buying cloths. but a lot of that has to do with the fact that i have not been the same weight at one time longer than a few months. Even if this wasn't the case, he would still have more cloths than i do.

3-One would assume that any female would out do her significant other in terms of how many pairs of shoes one has. I have about 5 pairs of shoes including my boot slippers that i live in at the moment (Even when i go into town. they are just comfy and i don't have many socks and i can wear them with no socks(i have a nasty sock monster who steals my socks but thats another blog)) I don't even know how many pairs of shoes he has and i don't even think he know himself. Always buying shoes. Under our bed is full of shoes. When we moved house about 3 months ago, he took a lot of his shoes to the dump because he had far to many. But then remaining shoes still fills the space under our bed and the collection is growing.

4-Photos. I don't like my picture taken. Its a rare occurrence to find a picture of myself. Our computer is full of pictures of Jakob. There is an abundance of choice for photos of Jakob. He says that he likes to take pictures so he can see what we looks like.

Don't get me wrong i love him to bits and love all of him. Even these behaviors. As i say his "metro" side.

But he is my male. He is my "i don't know how to cook dinner or put a cloth nappy on a baby" male. There is nothing .... scrap that ... there is very little i would change about him. Mental illness we could do without but thats another blog or 2 completely. Although would he still be my Jakob without his little obsessions and compulsions. He has O.C.D. It makes life with him rather interesting. I would even be compelled to list him as my 4th mischief, although not an angelic mischief but he does try. The amount of talked about socks im sure was an obsession he had. I would also say that is compulsion for buying shoes and cloths also fall into this category.

I think hes gorgeous and i am so excited to be married to such an amazing guy.

Love you to bits Jake xxxxxJakob and his new straightened hair