Baby Blues

After writing this entry i wasn't exactly sure if i wanted to post it. Its rather personal and talks about things that id rather keep locked in my little black box of forbidden feelings.
But i am trying to be more honest with myself. I also found it rather therapeutic and thought i would shear due to the fact that im not the only one that feels this way so why keep it hidden. Also this is supposed to record my thoughts and feeling, good or bad.
So here goes ......


I love my kids. I really do. But im not having anymore. Anyone who thinks other wise can go run away.
After having Jahshia i suffered the baby blues. Its not a fun thing to experience feeling absolutely weighed down by all the new responsibilities you have on top of the ones you already have.
Honestly there were days that i walked out the house, leaving screaming kids behind and tearfully saying to Jakob "i can't do this, i don't want them, they are your kids now."

I got through it and settled down to raising our then two beautiful children.
I was rather apprehensive when Jakob later on starting his talks about adding yet another mischief to the herd. But i thought that our marriage was stronger than it has ever been before, he had become more helpful around the home and i gave him a huge talk about how "being pregnant isn't easy" and if he felt he could deal with a tearful, bipolar like, wale of a wife then ok, we will go for another one. He was much more supportive this time than with the other pregnancies, but i was still worried about what would happen afterwards. Would those formidable baby blues brake into my "meant to be happy" world and shatter everything to a puddle of broken tears, slammed doors and cries of "i can't". This is what ive feared more so than giving birth. Sure there is a chance that they wont even look my way seen as the first two pregnancies where somewhat troubled. With Devin our marriage was, well lets just say it wasn't the healthiest of relationships which carried onto the pregnancy with Jahshia. While i was pregnant with her, our relationship took a nose dive into separation. It was a time of blended emotions, shattered hearts and sleepless nights. Jakob was not well and i wanted him to know that i would be there for him when ever he needed me and in doing so suffered many broken hearts while watching him fix himself. He is now nothing like he used to be. He is not the man i married and im so happy for that. But during that time i did regret being pregnant and even contemplated adoption. But before i gave birth we where on track to fixing our lives and building a happy home. I'd always thought that maybe the turmoil times of the pregnancy gave me more of a predisposition for the baby blues to sneak their way into my world.

But why now? What have i done this time that has sent an invite to the much unwanted depressive monster.
He is forever banging at my door. Sometimes i can ignore that incisive noise from his banging, but other times i give in and the stench from his poisonous attitude comes seeping into my thoughts.

Not long after a gave birth, someone who will remain nameless had interpreted a blessing Madison had and told us that we were going to have two more children. I was far from amused. In fact that swung the door wide open for the monster to come in and devour all my happiness. I was in tears. How am i going to have two more? I had just started to think about going to uni when Madison is older. So when do i have these two more? Do i continue on with having all my children at once and getting it "over and done with" which means i still have five years or so of tiered sleepless nights. Or do i go to uni and have these two other children when ive finished and put off going to work for a few years. Or do i try and do everything all at once. All these questions added very unwanted and unnesessary stress which resulted in anger and tears. It wasn't until i talked to Jakob about it that he gave me a blessing and the nasty monster started packing his bags and sadly left. But he didn't want to leave. He turned right around and once again started his knocking.

Recently his vile ooze has been seeping through again. Im physically and emotionally tiered. I feel i have no more strength left to hold the door closed and block all the gaps so he can't creep in. My checks are sore from the salty rivers flowing down my face. Im sure if our house had feelings he would be rubbing his wounded door frames and nursing his poor ear drums.

It's not easy getting up at 7am and being with children right up until midnight. Yes some days i do get a nap but it's not always enough. Im sick of having mindless 3year old conversations about how "bees are in my mouth" and "butterflies eat bees" "talk to me mummy" "why" and all those odd things 3year olds think. They are funny and endearing but right now im just not in the mood.
Then there is trying to understand what "bler der berr" means. I was always told that girls pick up speech faster than boys, but not in this case. She understands pretty much everything we say, she just wont say anything. She's driving my car to insanity with me locked in the boot.
Then there is a baby that loves cuddles. Sure it's fine if she is the only one i have but trying to hold her and deal with everything else around me is getting to much. And shes a tummy sleeper which is a HUGE no no. We can't sleep her on her tummy for fear she will suffer from S.I.D.S (sudden infant death syndrome a.k.a cot death). I have tremendous troubles trying to get her to sleep on her back. She wont settle properly but as soon as i turn her on her tummy (which isn't often) she falls asleep almost instantly. So what am i suppose to do. Sleep her on her tummy and live in fear about how safe she will be, or stick with the sleeplessness and slow road to insanity?
Then there is all the none children stresses.
Jakob still spending money on things he doesn't need when our credit cards look rather unhealthy. We had a huge argument the other day when he bought yet another pair of shoes (he now has 16 pairs of shoes) that are the same style as most of his other ones, just another colour. Sure ok they were only $15, but does someone really need 16 pairs of shoes. He asked me to help him give up spending but so far i have not been successful. He just gets annoyed at me if i tell him he doesn't need to buy the millionth item of something.
The cold. I hate the cold. Huddled in my lounge late this afternoon feeling the cold bite my toes and watching my icy breath appear, i just burst into tears.
Im so thankful that we have the opportunity to have our own home. I just think the responsibility of owning is getting me down. There is some work that needs to be done but i have no idea where we are going to get the money to do it. This is something that i think about a lot and is getting me down and opening that door for the monster.
How do i balance out my life and worries? I feel i have so many concerns at the moment and they are all weighing me down. I need time to myself just to worry about myself. But unfortunately its not possible right now. I have this cute bundle of terror that i must have with me at all times. Right now im feeling and asking myself "Why did i do this again"
I can't be bothered doing this again and will not be doing this again. I really don't like this feeling and im over having children. I know this is just a stage of having children and it will be over but once its over thats it, im not going back here. Ive reached my limit.
And as much as i think he is, Jakobs not a mind reader, so i need to stop getting angry at him for not knowing how im feeling when i don't even tell him. I wish he was tho. When ive snapped at him, its not easy to turn around and tell him whats on my mind because he doesn't really want to listen to my rants when hes grumpy at me. And i don't blame him.

Ive just been painted blue lately.