This afternoon as i pulled out the try of eggs from my fridge, carefully choosing the next egg in order to be eaten, it made me think about all those little things that i have to do or things that have to be done right. I have a few of them and i thought i might take the time to shear what they are seen as its the little things in life that can create who you are.
1.
This would have to be one of the biggest things for me. Toilet paper. It must hang on the wall with it rolling over the top of the roll. Rolling upwards as i put it. That way when you pull to get some paper you can easily fold all the "wall germs" in the middle of the paper. Roll it downwards and its just harder to fold those "wall germs" away. I do not like using the side of the paper that has been smeared all over the wall. This little quirk is so strong in me that i even have to turn the paper around at other peoples house if i need to relieve myself. Ive found that people either want it rolling up, or they just don't care.
2.
Water. Im so fussy when it comes to what i drink and what i drink it from. I grew up in Christchurch with beautiful spring water freely flowing from the tap. When moving to Dunedin i had a rather hard time trying to force myself to drink tap water. I lived out in South Dunedin and ive been told that South Dunedin is the worst area for good water. I have now gotten used to the water at my house (we are on the hills now) and will only drink water from there. If i go out, i take my own water bottle with me. That brings me to my next point of drinking. I have my drink bottle which is mine. The only people who are aloud to drink from it is me. I will not shear bottles at all. Also i will not just grab any old drink bottle. If its an old bottle thats been sitting around i will not drink from it, i just can't. It sends shivers down my spine at just the thought of it. Even when im so thirsty, i still can't do it.
3.
I touched on this one at the beginning of this entry. The way i take the eggs out of the carton. They must be taken out from each end and done on a diagonal and work your way into the middle. That way when you reach into the fridge to get your carton of eggs, the carton will be even in weight distribution and there is no fear of dropping the carton due to the weight being off balanced. If i open a carton and the eggs aren't properly positioned then i will rearrange.
4.
I like my bed to be made a certain way. I would love to sleep in a bed with nice fluffy sheets and a couple of woolen blankets all tucked in, topped with a warm duvet. But alas we do not have nice big woolen blankets and Jakob likes to just have duvets so he can poke his feet out when he gets hot. So i will let up on what we sleep under, all i ask is that the domes of the duvet covers be done up and the covers aren't ridding up. I do not want to feel the domes or the inner duvet with my feet. I hate it.
5.
I have an order to how i wash the dishes. I do it in this order to maximize stacking ability. Change the order and you will not be able to stack as much on the rack. Jakob will call down from the kitchen and ask me to dry some dishes because he has run out of room. As soon as i arrive i look onto the rack and think "there is so much room left but he has everything in the wrong order"
6.
There is a certain way i like to hang my cloths. All the big items go in the middle of the line with smaller things on the outside of the line. all the things that only need one peg to hang them gets hung last, like socks. There are a few other things i need to do when i hang the washing but its hard to explain.
Those things im aware of all the time and are in my day to day life no matter how im feeling. These next things appear when i am stressed or starting to become depressed.
6.5
When im hanging the washing, not only do i do all those things that i mentioned previously, but i have to match things. Each peg i use on an item must be the same colour and type. The colour also has to correspond with the colours on the item im hanging. Or else it feels off balanced and it drives me insane.
7.
I count. I count the stairs as i walk up or down them, i count the steps i take when im walking, i count the cars i drive past, count the lamp posts, i count fence posts as i walk past touching them. I count EVERYTHING! There needs to be a rhythm to the counting as well. If i drive past 3 cars then there is a gap, it must stay in that pattern or else i feel frustrated, and it never does with something like parked cars. So i must force my attention on something that can have a proper pattern like lamp posts.
8.
My steps must be even. Also the ground i walk on leaves impressions on the souls of my feet. If i stand on a crack with one foot, i must stand on a crack with my other foot. Problem is as soon as i stand on a crack with my other foot, the impression from the first crack is no longer as strong as the second so i must stand on another crack. Im forever standing on cracks and its frustrating but i have to do it. There are other rules for even steps, but they are much harder to explain than the crack thing.
Im crazy i know but i think these last things i listed are me just finding a way to balance everything. Because my internal thoughts are so off balance, im trying to balance the world around me. I remember once driving behind a car which only had one break light working. That drove me insane. I couldn't look at his car without feeling lopsided.
I would like to say as well, i am not a clean freak. I like things to be in order and be clean. But most of the time the act of cleaning up over whelms me and i don't do. When i do i only do a "half hearted job" according to Jakobs standards. Sometimes i just don't feel i can do it as good as what i should, so i end up not doing it at all.
I watched a show once that said that the pinnacle of perfection is not doing anything at all. Reason being, you are so set on having things done perfectly that you can not even do anything for fear you will not do it perfectly. I thought that makes sense. May be thats why im not a clean freak, but i don't think so.
So yes, this post has been about the crazy insane parts of me. Im sure everyone has their odd things they have to do so i decided to shear with you mine.
PS. Family Dramas are over. Mum realized what she had done and apologized to everyone. Apologies all round. Now lets get back to being a happy family.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
monsters, Monsters, MONSTERS!!!!!
Our three year old mischief Devin has now become aware of the scary things in life. Well the scary things in his life. Going down the hall with the light off is "to kerry", as is going to sleep with the light off and a part of his Sesame Street dvd where Bert and Ernie go into the mummy section of a museum.
The other night i went into his bedroom to check on him and found him sitting up in bed with a look of worry smeared all over his face. I ask him what the matter is and he replyed "monter over dere" so after i "chased" them away, he smilingly went to sleep.
It got me thinking about how wild childrens imaginations are. Or are they? Are they really seeing monsters?
I grew up with a monster in my house. My mum called him the "sock monster".
For those who have never herd of this mystical monster, he is a monster who preys on single socks, leaving only one of a pair. He lives mostly in the laundry in between the washer and dryer, which is where he hunts and strikes his pray - socks. Also the more people who live in a house, the more sock monsters.
Jakob had never herd of a sock monster before we got married, and just my luck, one must have snuck into my belongings when i shifted from my parents house to our first house. Ever since then we both have fallen victim to his nasty apetite.
When we bought our own home it was so exciting. What i did not realize was that we were also buying an extremely vicious evolved sock monster. Not only do we have our regular one living in our laundry (he has gotten used to eating either wet socks or dirty socks seen as we don't have a dryer) but we also have at least one that roams around our house and yard. Often i have taken washing off the line and in the journey from the washing line to my couch to be folded, he pinches his prey and leaves no evidence that a crime has unfolded besides a missing sock. Often he will be rather greedy and take both socks.
I think our mischief daughter Jahshia has befriended him. She often pulls all her socks out of her draw and leaves them on the floor. Well she pulls everything out of her draws and puts it on the floor. Slowly her sock draw has shrunk somewhat. I naively assumed that her missing socks must be hiding within her pile of plushy teddy bears and other stuffed creatures . But alas i was wrong. I did a big sweep through our house not so long ago and cleaned almost every inch of our dwelling. The missing socks where nowhere to be found.
Mischief Devin also feeds our rather fat sock monster. Devin likes to run around with bare feet. Even when it is blanketed with snow outside, he will rip of his socks and leave them strewn all over the place. I also was expecting to find Devins socks hidden in various places through our house but again i was wrong in my assumptions. Not a scrap of evidence or a single crumb of a sock was found.
The sock monsters have eaten all of my socks apart from a couple of pairs, and is now starting on Jakobs rather large collection of socks.
From these experiences there is only one conclusion that can been drawn.
Monsters do in fact exist and Devin could very well be seeing our nasty sock monster chomping away on a meal when he is going to bed. Maybe sleepy child eyes are the only ones that can catch this ominous best.
The other night i went into his bedroom to check on him and found him sitting up in bed with a look of worry smeared all over his face. I ask him what the matter is and he replyed "monter over dere" so after i "chased" them away, he smilingly went to sleep.
It got me thinking about how wild childrens imaginations are. Or are they? Are they really seeing monsters?
I grew up with a monster in my house. My mum called him the "sock monster".
For those who have never herd of this mystical monster, he is a monster who preys on single socks, leaving only one of a pair. He lives mostly in the laundry in between the washer and dryer, which is where he hunts and strikes his pray - socks. Also the more people who live in a house, the more sock monsters.
Jakob had never herd of a sock monster before we got married, and just my luck, one must have snuck into my belongings when i shifted from my parents house to our first house. Ever since then we both have fallen victim to his nasty apetite.
When we bought our own home it was so exciting. What i did not realize was that we were also buying an extremely vicious evolved sock monster. Not only do we have our regular one living in our laundry (he has gotten used to eating either wet socks or dirty socks seen as we don't have a dryer) but we also have at least one that roams around our house and yard. Often i have taken washing off the line and in the journey from the washing line to my couch to be folded, he pinches his prey and leaves no evidence that a crime has unfolded besides a missing sock. Often he will be rather greedy and take both socks.
I think our mischief daughter Jahshia has befriended him. She often pulls all her socks out of her draw and leaves them on the floor. Well she pulls everything out of her draws and puts it on the floor. Slowly her sock draw has shrunk somewhat. I naively assumed that her missing socks must be hiding within her pile of plushy teddy bears and other stuffed creatures . But alas i was wrong. I did a big sweep through our house not so long ago and cleaned almost every inch of our dwelling. The missing socks where nowhere to be found.
Mischief Devin also feeds our rather fat sock monster. Devin likes to run around with bare feet. Even when it is blanketed with snow outside, he will rip of his socks and leave them strewn all over the place. I also was expecting to find Devins socks hidden in various places through our house but again i was wrong in my assumptions. Not a scrap of evidence or a single crumb of a sock was found.
The sock monsters have eaten all of my socks apart from a couple of pairs, and is now starting on Jakobs rather large collection of socks.
From these experiences there is only one conclusion that can been drawn.
Monsters do in fact exist and Devin could very well be seeing our nasty sock monster chomping away on a meal when he is going to bed. Maybe sleepy child eyes are the only ones that can catch this ominous best.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Drama, Shenanagins and Absurdities
I opted for posting it seen as it has been a big part of my life lately and this is my journal. I am not making her out to be a bad person in the slightest. But if anything this is a good example of how mental illness can affect not only the life of the sufferer but those around them and those that are trying to help. Maybe this entry might help someone.
Carol i do love you.
Every time my dearest Mother in law puts on a show (which so happens to be every 10 weeks), she gets rather stressed. Most of the time she release her stress onto those that are near to her, which so happens to be Jakob and I.
My last entry talked about her latest stress and drama and thats the "normal" kind of hissy fit she has when she is stressed. But little did we know that that was only the first straw on the camels back.
Monday - We didn't really have much to do with her. We just let her have her space. We had stopped going around to her house on Mondays for dinner due to it was getting to stressful on the children. The nights we would go around, they wouldn't have their dinner till the time they normally go to bed. It was getting rather hard to control them when we got home and far to stressful on Jakob and i.
Tuesday - Jakob and Devin drove out to the airport to pick up Johanna and Kyan (Jakobs sister and her son who is the same age as Devin) By the time they get back we only had a mare 2 hours to go to the grocery shop before Jakob was due at the days rehearsals. We opted to not take the children to rehearsals due to Mums previous hissy fit. We also informed Mum that we will most likely not be coming round for dinner at her house seen as we will have dragged our kids to the shows all day and they need to be in bed by 7pm. There was also stressed involved with not having enough bookings for the show and we may not be able to make budget.
She rung us that night complaining about something and from the sounds of things (Jakob was talking to her) she was saying that we don't care about her, that no one cares about her and that shes not important enough to spend gas money on to go have dinner. Which is not true in the slightest. Jakob offered her that he would bring her back to our house after the show and drop her back off later if she so liked. That way she can spend time with her daughter and grandchildren- esp Kyan.
Wednesday - Got up and started getting ready to head to the show. I put dinner in my lovable slow cook and put extra in for Carol if she decided to come back to our house. I was somewhat apprehensive about going seen as i had no idea how she was going to be. But she kept her distance to the point that she paid practically no attention to her daughter she hardly sees and her grandchildren.
That night on the phone again (i can't remember who called who) her and Jakob where again arguing. This time about the lack of bookings and if she would change her answer machine message to add a cell phone number then they may get more bookings. But her being her would not change it. Why? I don't know. I can only assume that it was to much hassel for her. I would hate to have a life where simple tasks where to much hassel to do. How can anyone live with such feelings?
Jakob was heading off to Young Mens and decided to go round and see her to try and talk to her and make some sense of whats going on. To try and figure things out and get peace back into everyones relationships. When he turns, she says something along the lines of "Oh what are you doing here, i need a break from you, you stress me out, the very sight of you annoys me. The sight of you makes me sick". I was not there and so therefore cannot comment on the conversation that took place. I do know that Jakob threatened to quite the show and he also said that he will no longer be there for her the way he has been.
After he gets back from YM , we get a phone call from his brother William saying that she has had someone over for the last 2 hours learning Jakobs lines. He then rings her and all she can say is "you're fired you're fired you're fired you're fired you're fired you're fired". Some time during the night, if it was said at her house or on the phone im not sure but he did say to her that if she fires him then bad things will happen. She took that as he was abusing his Priesthood by saying that. But it has nothing to do with Priesthood. Its true, if she fired him then bad things would happen. She cannot train someone up in one night to play a main role, the show would look a mess and completely unprofessional and it would flop. Bad things.
Thursday - I was so worried about going to the show because i have no idea what her reaction will be with us turning up. We dropped Jakob off and headed off the find a park. As we walk into the theater, all we can here is "you're fired you're fired you're fired you're fired you're fired" She is saying this with a funny smile on her face as her head is bobbying side to side. goodness me. She then rants and raves about how hes stressful and he abuses his Priesthood. I had enough. I just had enough and her being angry at us for no reason just frustrated me. So many times ive seen jakob so happy about something but then when he rings her to tell her she brushes him off and takes away his happiness. it sux to see that happen. So i jump in and say something along the lines of (i can't remember word for word what i said) "You bring this on yourself, All the stress and troubles in your life are cause by you and your laziness" she then then jumps in and says
"i don't care, i love you Alicia"
"I love you too but what kind of mother says to her son i need a break from you, you stress me out, the very sight of you annoys me, the sight of you makes me sick?"
I walk away feeling so angry and shacking because im so scared of confrintation and i have never said anything like that to her. I have always been far to worried about how she will react if i ever tell her how her actions affect me. Ive always kept quiet just to try and keep the peace and not cause her more stress. Even if what she has done throws me into a depression.
Just before the show is due to start, she goes back stage and starts swearing at Jakob rather loudly in front of half the cast and we in the front row of the audience can hear her yelling. she turns to run away and Jakob grabs her and wraps his arms around her and she then falls to the floor in a panic attack.
later that night we get a phone call from her saying she has admitted herself into a mental hospital and needed us to go deal with her children. While Jakob was over there he changed the answer phone message. In the end we got and extra $200 we would not have otherwise gotten if it was not changed.
We then find out that she hasn't admitted herself to hospital, she has just taken herself into emergency psych services (E.P.S) and that she would be going home that night.
I am glad that she went there because she really needed to. But i can't help but wander if it was me that pushed her to it seen as i got in her face and said what i did. But i suppose it doesn't matter if it was what i said or not because she needed help and i don't think she would have gone and gotten help unless she was pushed right to breaking point.
She is still to this day holding grudges against Jakob and I and has also lashed out at Johanna as well. I know she has told anyone and everyone about what happened and has made it out that both Jakob and I abused her. Thats hurtful. I do feel though that i could have said what i did in a more calm manor and not in the heat of the moment. I did however keep what i said relevant to the drama that was going on but i had the thoughts and pain from everything she has ever done.
I still love her and im so happy to know that she is getting the help she needs.
Knowing that this is all happened because she had a melt down and if her mental health wasn't the way it was then none of this would have happened, helps me to be able to forgive her and move on with my life and family. but just because i forgive her doesn't mean that our relationship will go back to the way things used to be. I will never forget what she can be like and keep my eyes open and try to jump out of the way when she starts rolling out of control. That is if she ever can come to the realization that this has all be caused by her mental health and not because Jakob and I are these nasty abusive people and start talking to us again instead of yelling at us.
This has affected my family in a highly negative way. Both Jakob and I are mentally drained. Jakob is spending a lot of time in bed and im rather snappy with my children. This is why i need to forgive her. I see forgiveness as something you need to do in able to let go of the pain you carry. It is not something to do just to make who ever offended you feel better. It is something you do in order to make yourself feel better. If you never forgive someone then you will forever carry that person and what they did around with you. Forgive them and let it go, then you free yourself from them and the pain they caused. If you never forgive then you will forever have anger, hate and bitterness within you and who wants that in their lives.
So Carol, im over this and the pain and anger you have caused my famliy. I forgive you and i let go of all wrongs that you have done. That dose not mean though that i am ready to be all buddy buddy with you. It just means that i am no longer going to let what has happened affect me and my children anymore. I love you and im glad to see you are getting the help you need.
Carol i do love you.
Every time my dearest Mother in law puts on a show (which so happens to be every 10 weeks), she gets rather stressed. Most of the time she release her stress onto those that are near to her, which so happens to be Jakob and I.
My last entry talked about her latest stress and drama and thats the "normal" kind of hissy fit she has when she is stressed. But little did we know that that was only the first straw on the camels back.
Monday - We didn't really have much to do with her. We just let her have her space. We had stopped going around to her house on Mondays for dinner due to it was getting to stressful on the children. The nights we would go around, they wouldn't have their dinner till the time they normally go to bed. It was getting rather hard to control them when we got home and far to stressful on Jakob and i.
Tuesday - Jakob and Devin drove out to the airport to pick up Johanna and Kyan (Jakobs sister and her son who is the same age as Devin) By the time they get back we only had a mare 2 hours to go to the grocery shop before Jakob was due at the days rehearsals. We opted to not take the children to rehearsals due to Mums previous hissy fit. We also informed Mum that we will most likely not be coming round for dinner at her house seen as we will have dragged our kids to the shows all day and they need to be in bed by 7pm. There was also stressed involved with not having enough bookings for the show and we may not be able to make budget.
She rung us that night complaining about something and from the sounds of things (Jakob was talking to her) she was saying that we don't care about her, that no one cares about her and that shes not important enough to spend gas money on to go have dinner. Which is not true in the slightest. Jakob offered her that he would bring her back to our house after the show and drop her back off later if she so liked. That way she can spend time with her daughter and grandchildren- esp Kyan.
Wednesday - Got up and started getting ready to head to the show. I put dinner in my lovable slow cook and put extra in for Carol if she decided to come back to our house. I was somewhat apprehensive about going seen as i had no idea how she was going to be. But she kept her distance to the point that she paid practically no attention to her daughter she hardly sees and her grandchildren.
That night on the phone again (i can't remember who called who) her and Jakob where again arguing. This time about the lack of bookings and if she would change her answer machine message to add a cell phone number then they may get more bookings. But her being her would not change it. Why? I don't know. I can only assume that it was to much hassel for her. I would hate to have a life where simple tasks where to much hassel to do. How can anyone live with such feelings?
Jakob was heading off to Young Mens and decided to go round and see her to try and talk to her and make some sense of whats going on. To try and figure things out and get peace back into everyones relationships. When he turns, she says something along the lines of "Oh what are you doing here, i need a break from you, you stress me out, the very sight of you annoys me. The sight of you makes me sick". I was not there and so therefore cannot comment on the conversation that took place. I do know that Jakob threatened to quite the show and he also said that he will no longer be there for her the way he has been.
After he gets back from YM , we get a phone call from his brother William saying that she has had someone over for the last 2 hours learning Jakobs lines. He then rings her and all she can say is "you're fired you're fired you're fired you're fired you're fired you're fired". Some time during the night, if it was said at her house or on the phone im not sure but he did say to her that if she fires him then bad things will happen. She took that as he was abusing his Priesthood by saying that. But it has nothing to do with Priesthood. Its true, if she fired him then bad things would happen. She cannot train someone up in one night to play a main role, the show would look a mess and completely unprofessional and it would flop. Bad things.
Thursday - I was so worried about going to the show because i have no idea what her reaction will be with us turning up. We dropped Jakob off and headed off the find a park. As we walk into the theater, all we can here is "you're fired you're fired you're fired you're fired you're fired" She is saying this with a funny smile on her face as her head is bobbying side to side. goodness me. She then rants and raves about how hes stressful and he abuses his Priesthood. I had enough. I just had enough and her being angry at us for no reason just frustrated me. So many times ive seen jakob so happy about something but then when he rings her to tell her she brushes him off and takes away his happiness. it sux to see that happen. So i jump in and say something along the lines of (i can't remember word for word what i said) "You bring this on yourself, All the stress and troubles in your life are cause by you and your laziness" she then then jumps in and says
"i don't care, i love you Alicia"
"I love you too but what kind of mother says to her son i need a break from you, you stress me out, the very sight of you annoys me, the sight of you makes me sick?"
I walk away feeling so angry and shacking because im so scared of confrintation and i have never said anything like that to her. I have always been far to worried about how she will react if i ever tell her how her actions affect me. Ive always kept quiet just to try and keep the peace and not cause her more stress. Even if what she has done throws me into a depression.
Just before the show is due to start, she goes back stage and starts swearing at Jakob rather loudly in front of half the cast and we in the front row of the audience can hear her yelling. she turns to run away and Jakob grabs her and wraps his arms around her and she then falls to the floor in a panic attack.
later that night we get a phone call from her saying she has admitted herself into a mental hospital and needed us to go deal with her children. While Jakob was over there he changed the answer phone message. In the end we got and extra $200 we would not have otherwise gotten if it was not changed.
We then find out that she hasn't admitted herself to hospital, she has just taken herself into emergency psych services (E.P.S) and that she would be going home that night.
I am glad that she went there because she really needed to. But i can't help but wander if it was me that pushed her to it seen as i got in her face and said what i did. But i suppose it doesn't matter if it was what i said or not because she needed help and i don't think she would have gone and gotten help unless she was pushed right to breaking point.
She is still to this day holding grudges against Jakob and I and has also lashed out at Johanna as well. I know she has told anyone and everyone about what happened and has made it out that both Jakob and I abused her. Thats hurtful. I do feel though that i could have said what i did in a more calm manor and not in the heat of the moment. I did however keep what i said relevant to the drama that was going on but i had the thoughts and pain from everything she has ever done.
I still love her and im so happy to know that she is getting the help she needs.
Knowing that this is all happened because she had a melt down and if her mental health wasn't the way it was then none of this would have happened, helps me to be able to forgive her and move on with my life and family. but just because i forgive her doesn't mean that our relationship will go back to the way things used to be. I will never forget what she can be like and keep my eyes open and try to jump out of the way when she starts rolling out of control. That is if she ever can come to the realization that this has all be caused by her mental health and not because Jakob and I are these nasty abusive people and start talking to us again instead of yelling at us.
This has affected my family in a highly negative way. Both Jakob and I are mentally drained. Jakob is spending a lot of time in bed and im rather snappy with my children. This is why i need to forgive her. I see forgiveness as something you need to do in able to let go of the pain you carry. It is not something to do just to make who ever offended you feel better. It is something you do in order to make yourself feel better. If you never forgive someone then you will forever carry that person and what they did around with you. Forgive them and let it go, then you free yourself from them and the pain they caused. If you never forgive then you will forever have anger, hate and bitterness within you and who wants that in their lives.
So Carol, im over this and the pain and anger you have caused my famliy. I forgive you and i let go of all wrongs that you have done. That dose not mean though that i am ready to be all buddy buddy with you. It just means that i am no longer going to let what has happened affect me and my children anymore. I love you and im glad to see you are getting the help you need.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
In laws ..... Out-lawed!!!!!!! continued
I have a post in the making that im unsure if i should publish or not.
It depicts the rest of her hissy fit she had after i wrote my last blog.
Im questioning about if i should publish or not.
This was a huge meltdown for her and she became very mentally ill.
I still love her and in respect for her i do not think it is right to publish her mis-doings while she was sick.
But she seriously hurt everyone around her including Jakob and i and if our children where older they would have been hurt as well. They were already affected by it through stressed and hurt parents. And shes still going, and the pain and stress she has caused has far but died away. This is not the first time she has done something like this.
Jakob and I feel that she has smeared our names through the mud to anyone who will listen and thats hurts. So do i want to smear her name through the mud? I have written the blog in honesty and attempted to do so without running her down and showing her disrespect. Although her actions are far from pleasant and do show her in a bad light, hence my dilemma...
To post or not to post???
It depicts the rest of her hissy fit she had after i wrote my last blog.
Im questioning about if i should publish or not.
This was a huge meltdown for her and she became very mentally ill.
I still love her and in respect for her i do not think it is right to publish her mis-doings while she was sick.
But she seriously hurt everyone around her including Jakob and i and if our children where older they would have been hurt as well. They were already affected by it through stressed and hurt parents. And shes still going, and the pain and stress she has caused has far but died away. This is not the first time she has done something like this.
Jakob and I feel that she has smeared our names through the mud to anyone who will listen and thats hurts. So do i want to smear her name through the mud? I have written the blog in honesty and attempted to do so without running her down and showing her disrespect. Although her actions are far from pleasant and do show her in a bad light, hence my dilemma...
To post or not to post???
Sunday, July 13, 2008
In laws ..... Out-lawed!!!!!!!
In Laws.
Im sure anyone and everyone who has them could right a few blogs or two on them and how they affect their lives.
It took Jakob about 4 years to "warm up" to my parents. Now he says " Everything your parents have done or said to us have been right and they have always had our best interests at heart" Although at the time they where doing something he didn't always have that point of view. He feels like he has got a pretty good deal when it come to In laws.
Me, well i would say that i have been blessed with non monster like In laws. Ive never meet my farther In law because he passed away before i meet Jakob. But everyone says that he would have liked me, and I don't have a bitter rivalry with my mother in law on how im not up to her standards on how a mother should be.
I love my mother in law. Love her enough to call her mum and have her present at the birth of Devin and Madison (we were in a different city when Jahshia was born but if we were in Dunedin then she would have been there to) I feel i need to add that disclaimer in right now. Not only to let anyone who may read this know, but also remind myself that i do really love her despite what she may do.
Although at the moment she is not in my "good books" and i don't think im in hers. She is a drama queen in all aspects of the term. She is an amazing child author and playwright and she teaches drama as well. She lives and breaths drama. And if there is no drama happening in her life, then she will create one by causing some sort of an issue. Most of the time when this happens, Jakob and i are the center of the problem.
Her latest one ....
Every school holidays she puts on a childrens play. It is show week starting tomorrow and the last week Jakob has been at rehearsals almost every day. Last holidays, our kids really missed their dad because they hardly saw him. They mad their feelings show by many hissy fits and screams for their daddy. Also Jakob missed them. He loves his kids and loves spending time with them. So this time Jakob would take one child to rehearsals with him so that can have time with daddy. Problem solved. But no. This time my mother in law has decided to pick on this and cause a big drama over it. She somehow feels like her shows have become a babysitter for my kids while i "have a break", and has gotten rather angry about it, which has cause a lot off ill feelings around us. I never asked Jakob to take the kids with him so i can have a break. We talked about it because Jakob wanted his kids with him and his kids need him. Yes a break for me was one of the benefits of him taking one of the three children, but was not at all part of the conversation or made into a point on which it persuaded our views on weather to take a child or not. The only reason why they went with him was to spend time with him. No one else minded that Devin or Jahshia was there.
Im not wanting to go to the show now. I do not feel welcome. I don't even feel that my children are welcome and its a childrens show. Right now i don't feel like i have the emotional energy to deal with her hissy fits and made up dramas.
I could spend hours on talking about the different dramas she had caused and aimed at us over the last 4 years but I do love her and we need to keep the past in the past.
It has left me though with one thought....
Will she ever stop throwing her dramas on us?
Im sure anyone and everyone who has them could right a few blogs or two on them and how they affect their lives.
It took Jakob about 4 years to "warm up" to my parents. Now he says " Everything your parents have done or said to us have been right and they have always had our best interests at heart" Although at the time they where doing something he didn't always have that point of view. He feels like he has got a pretty good deal when it come to In laws.
Me, well i would say that i have been blessed with non monster like In laws. Ive never meet my farther In law because he passed away before i meet Jakob. But everyone says that he would have liked me, and I don't have a bitter rivalry with my mother in law on how im not up to her standards on how a mother should be.
I love my mother in law. Love her enough to call her mum and have her present at the birth of Devin and Madison (we were in a different city when Jahshia was born but if we were in Dunedin then she would have been there to) I feel i need to add that disclaimer in right now. Not only to let anyone who may read this know, but also remind myself that i do really love her despite what she may do.
Although at the moment she is not in my "good books" and i don't think im in hers. She is a drama queen in all aspects of the term. She is an amazing child author and playwright and she teaches drama as well. She lives and breaths drama. And if there is no drama happening in her life, then she will create one by causing some sort of an issue. Most of the time when this happens, Jakob and i are the center of the problem.
Her latest one ....
Every school holidays she puts on a childrens play. It is show week starting tomorrow and the last week Jakob has been at rehearsals almost every day. Last holidays, our kids really missed their dad because they hardly saw him. They mad their feelings show by many hissy fits and screams for their daddy. Also Jakob missed them. He loves his kids and loves spending time with them. So this time Jakob would take one child to rehearsals with him so that can have time with daddy. Problem solved. But no. This time my mother in law has decided to pick on this and cause a big drama over it. She somehow feels like her shows have become a babysitter for my kids while i "have a break", and has gotten rather angry about it, which has cause a lot off ill feelings around us. I never asked Jakob to take the kids with him so i can have a break. We talked about it because Jakob wanted his kids with him and his kids need him. Yes a break for me was one of the benefits of him taking one of the three children, but was not at all part of the conversation or made into a point on which it persuaded our views on weather to take a child or not. The only reason why they went with him was to spend time with him. No one else minded that Devin or Jahshia was there.
Im not wanting to go to the show now. I do not feel welcome. I don't even feel that my children are welcome and its a childrens show. Right now i don't feel like i have the emotional energy to deal with her hissy fits and made up dramas.
I could spend hours on talking about the different dramas she had caused and aimed at us over the last 4 years but I do love her and we need to keep the past in the past.
It has left me though with one thought....
Will she ever stop throwing her dramas on us?
Saturday, July 5, 2008
And along came winter.
Its cold
Its cold
Its cold
Its so cold that my heat pump keeps turning off to de-frost itself because it has been iced up on the outside. (im not looking forward to my power bill but id rather cry over a big power and be warm(in one room), than just cry because im so cold and im making my kids so cold)
Its so cold that 4 douvets on your bed just doesn't cut it.
Its so cold i have to put my feather down jacket on just to leave the living room to enter another part of my house.
cold cold cold cold cold.
but on the flip side .....
You can have as many hot chocolates as you want, cook yummy hot casserole and have pumpkin soup all snuggled up under the blankets.
You have pretty views of snow covered hills (or backyards in my case) and make an army of snow men.
I was woken at 5am today to feed a hungry little girl and it was freezing. I looked out the window and saw a white blanket covering my house. I have 4 douvets on my bed and yet could not get back to sleep because i was rather cold. Tonight i am getting my electric blanket out and seeing if it still works and if so, it will be put on my bed. Sure ok im worried about my power bill but it will be only put on in the mornings after feeding. Its the coldest then and i often can't find my way back to sleep due to my constant shivering. But Jakob finished work at 7am and he came and snuggled for a little bit and got me back to sleep before he was dragged away by the demanding howls of "daddy, we go lounge" "come daddy".
I then arose at 10am to a very excited Devin wanting to "go play snow". So without hesitation, Devin, Jahshia and I got all geared up in our wollen jursys, gloves, hats, gumboots and big jackets and ventured outside. I went to get the camera only to find that the battery was low. Just my luck. So i plugged it in and thought id come back later to take pictures. Unfortunately by the time it had charged enough for me to take pictures, Jahshia had had enough and all the pictures of her are her crying because i wasn't holding her hand. But trust me she did have fun and giggle loads. we made a snow man which Devin loved doing. Although it was hard to get him to start because all he wanted to do was throw snow at me. I was bending over to roll some snow and there was a small gap in my clothing which showed a tinny slither of my back, which then Devin thought it would be rather amusing if he through snow on my back at that precise moment. Oh my goodness that was cold. I just had to laugh at him or else i would have been somewhat angry and that would have ruined our time.
My mum is suppose to be coming down from Christchurch today. I cannot get a hold of her to see if she can actually make it. Although looking out my living room window i cannot see much snow on the adjacent hill, so the motorway could be open. I hope she makes its. Ive been looking forward to her coming.
I love snow. But i would love it more if my whole house was warm and we didn't have to huddle in one room to keep warm.
our snow man
Devin and Jahshia
Even our dog Kirby loved it
Its cold
Its cold
Its so cold that my heat pump keeps turning off to de-frost itself because it has been iced up on the outside. (im not looking forward to my power bill but id rather cry over a big power and be warm(in one room), than just cry because im so cold and im making my kids so cold)
Its so cold that 4 douvets on your bed just doesn't cut it.
Its so cold i have to put my feather down jacket on just to leave the living room to enter another part of my house.
cold cold cold cold cold.
but on the flip side .....
You can have as many hot chocolates as you want, cook yummy hot casserole and have pumpkin soup all snuggled up under the blankets.
You have pretty views of snow covered hills (or backyards in my case) and make an army of snow men.
I was woken at 5am today to feed a hungry little girl and it was freezing. I looked out the window and saw a white blanket covering my house. I have 4 douvets on my bed and yet could not get back to sleep because i was rather cold. Tonight i am getting my electric blanket out and seeing if it still works and if so, it will be put on my bed. Sure ok im worried about my power bill but it will be only put on in the mornings after feeding. Its the coldest then and i often can't find my way back to sleep due to my constant shivering. But Jakob finished work at 7am and he came and snuggled for a little bit and got me back to sleep before he was dragged away by the demanding howls of "daddy, we go lounge" "come daddy".
I then arose at 10am to a very excited Devin wanting to "go play snow". So without hesitation, Devin, Jahshia and I got all geared up in our wollen jursys, gloves, hats, gumboots and big jackets and ventured outside. I went to get the camera only to find that the battery was low. Just my luck. So i plugged it in and thought id come back later to take pictures. Unfortunately by the time it had charged enough for me to take pictures, Jahshia had had enough and all the pictures of her are her crying because i wasn't holding her hand. But trust me she did have fun and giggle loads. we made a snow man which Devin loved doing. Although it was hard to get him to start because all he wanted to do was throw snow at me. I was bending over to roll some snow and there was a small gap in my clothing which showed a tinny slither of my back, which then Devin thought it would be rather amusing if he through snow on my back at that precise moment. Oh my goodness that was cold. I just had to laugh at him or else i would have been somewhat angry and that would have ruined our time.
My mum is suppose to be coming down from Christchurch today. I cannot get a hold of her to see if she can actually make it. Although looking out my living room window i cannot see much snow on the adjacent hill, so the motorway could be open. I hope she makes its. Ive been looking forward to her coming.
I love snow. But i would love it more if my whole house was warm and we didn't have to huddle in one room to keep warm.
our snow man
Devin and Jahshia
These pictures were taken this morning, it has since snowed again and all our foot prints are disappearing. My poor poor vegie garden is covered in snow, ops.
And along came winter.
And along came winter.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Baby Blues
After writing this entry i wasn't exactly sure if i wanted to post it. Its rather personal and talks about things that id rather keep locked in my little black box of forbidden feelings.
But i am trying to be more honest with myself. I also found it rather therapeutic and thought i would shear due to the fact that im not the only one that feels this way so why keep it hidden. Also this is supposed to record my thoughts and feeling, good or bad.
So here goes ......
I love my kids. I really do. But im not having anymore. Anyone who thinks other wise can go run away.
After having Jahshia i suffered the baby blues. Its not a fun thing to experience feeling absolutely weighed down by all the new responsibilities you have on top of the ones you already have.
Honestly there were days that i walked out the house, leaving screaming kids behind and tearfully saying to Jakob "i can't do this, i don't want them, they are your kids now."
I got through it and settled down to raising our then two beautiful children.
I was rather apprehensive when Jakob later on starting his talks about adding yet another mischief to the herd. But i thought that our marriage was stronger than it has ever been before, he had become more helpful around the home and i gave him a huge talk about how "being pregnant isn't easy" and if he felt he could deal with a tearful, bipolar like, wale of a wife then ok, we will go for another one. He was much more supportive this time than with the other pregnancies, but i was still worried about what would happen afterwards. Would those formidable baby blues brake into my "meant to be happy" world and shatter everything to a puddle of broken tears, slammed doors and cries of "i can't". This is what ive feared more so than giving birth. Sure there is a chance that they wont even look my way seen as the first two pregnancies where somewhat troubled. With Devin our marriage was, well lets just say it wasn't the healthiest of relationships which carried onto the pregnancy with Jahshia. While i was pregnant with her, our relationship took a nose dive into separation. It was a time of blended emotions, shattered hearts and sleepless nights. Jakob was not well and i wanted him to know that i would be there for him when ever he needed me and in doing so suffered many broken hearts while watching him fix himself. He is now nothing like he used to be. He is not the man i married and im so happy for that. But during that time i did regret being pregnant and even contemplated adoption. But before i gave birth we where on track to fixing our lives and building a happy home. I'd always thought that maybe the turmoil times of the pregnancy gave me more of a predisposition for the baby blues to sneak their way into my world.
But why now? What have i done this time that has sent an invite to the much unwanted depressive monster.
He is forever banging at my door. Sometimes i can ignore that incisive noise from his banging, but other times i give in and the stench from his poisonous attitude comes seeping into my thoughts.
Not long after a gave birth, someone who will remain nameless had interpreted a blessing Madison had and told us that we were going to have two more children. I was far from amused. In fact that swung the door wide open for the monster to come in and devour all my happiness. I was in tears. How am i going to have two more? I had just started to think about going to uni when Madison is older. So when do i have these two more? Do i continue on with having all my children at once and getting it "over and done with" which means i still have five years or so of tiered sleepless nights. Or do i go to uni and have these two other children when ive finished and put off going to work for a few years. Or do i try and do everything all at once. All these questions added very unwanted and unnesessary stress which resulted in anger and tears. It wasn't until i talked to Jakob about it that he gave me a blessing and the nasty monster started packing his bags and sadly left. But he didn't want to leave. He turned right around and once again started his knocking.
Recently his vile ooze has been seeping through again. Im physically and emotionally tiered. I feel i have no more strength left to hold the door closed and block all the gaps so he can't creep in. My checks are sore from the salty rivers flowing down my face. Im sure if our house had feelings he would be rubbing his wounded door frames and nursing his poor ear drums.
It's not easy getting up at 7am and being with children right up until midnight. Yes some days i do get a nap but it's not always enough. Im sick of having mindless 3year old conversations about how "bees are in my mouth" and "butterflies eat bees" "talk to me mummy" "why" and all those odd things 3year olds think. They are funny and endearing but right now im just not in the mood.
Then there is trying to understand what "bler der berr" means. I was always told that girls pick up speech faster than boys, but not in this case. She understands pretty much everything we say, she just wont say anything. She's driving my car to insanity with me locked in the boot.
Then there is a baby that loves cuddles. Sure it's fine if she is the only one i have but trying to hold her and deal with everything else around me is getting to much. And shes a tummy sleeper which is a HUGE no no. We can't sleep her on her tummy for fear she will suffer from S.I.D.S (sudden infant death syndrome a.k.a cot death). I have tremendous troubles trying to get her to sleep on her back. She wont settle properly but as soon as i turn her on her tummy (which isn't often) she falls asleep almost instantly. So what am i suppose to do. Sleep her on her tummy and live in fear about how safe she will be, or stick with the sleeplessness and slow road to insanity?
Then there is all the none children stresses.
Jakob still spending money on things he doesn't need when our credit cards look rather unhealthy. We had a huge argument the other day when he bought yet another pair of shoes (he now has 16 pairs of shoes) that are the same style as most of his other ones, just another colour. Sure ok they were only $15, but does someone really need 16 pairs of shoes. He asked me to help him give up spending but so far i have not been successful. He just gets annoyed at me if i tell him he doesn't need to buy the millionth item of something.
The cold. I hate the cold. Huddled in my lounge late this afternoon feeling the cold bite my toes and watching my icy breath appear, i just burst into tears.
Im so thankful that we have the opportunity to have our own home. I just think the responsibility of owning is getting me down. There is some work that needs to be done but i have no idea where we are going to get the money to do it. This is something that i think about a lot and is getting me down and opening that door for the monster.
How do i balance out my life and worries? I feel i have so many concerns at the moment and they are all weighing me down. I need time to myself just to worry about myself. But unfortunately its not possible right now. I have this cute bundle of terror that i must have with me at all times. Right now im feeling and asking myself "Why did i do this again"
I can't be bothered doing this again and will not be doing this again. I really don't like this feeling and im over having children. I know this is just a stage of having children and it will be over but once its over thats it, im not going back here. Ive reached my limit.
And as much as i think he is, Jakobs not a mind reader, so i need to stop getting angry at him for not knowing how im feeling when i don't even tell him. I wish he was tho. When ive snapped at him, its not easy to turn around and tell him whats on my mind because he doesn't really want to listen to my rants when hes grumpy at me. And i don't blame him.
Ive just been painted blue lately.
But i am trying to be more honest with myself. I also found it rather therapeutic and thought i would shear due to the fact that im not the only one that feels this way so why keep it hidden. Also this is supposed to record my thoughts and feeling, good or bad.
So here goes ......
I love my kids. I really do. But im not having anymore. Anyone who thinks other wise can go run away.
After having Jahshia i suffered the baby blues. Its not a fun thing to experience feeling absolutely weighed down by all the new responsibilities you have on top of the ones you already have.
Honestly there were days that i walked out the house, leaving screaming kids behind and tearfully saying to Jakob "i can't do this, i don't want them, they are your kids now."
I got through it and settled down to raising our then two beautiful children.
I was rather apprehensive when Jakob later on starting his talks about adding yet another mischief to the herd. But i thought that our marriage was stronger than it has ever been before, he had become more helpful around the home and i gave him a huge talk about how "being pregnant isn't easy" and if he felt he could deal with a tearful, bipolar like, wale of a wife then ok, we will go for another one. He was much more supportive this time than with the other pregnancies, but i was still worried about what would happen afterwards. Would those formidable baby blues brake into my "meant to be happy" world and shatter everything to a puddle of broken tears, slammed doors and cries of "i can't". This is what ive feared more so than giving birth. Sure there is a chance that they wont even look my way seen as the first two pregnancies where somewhat troubled. With Devin our marriage was, well lets just say it wasn't the healthiest of relationships which carried onto the pregnancy with Jahshia. While i was pregnant with her, our relationship took a nose dive into separation. It was a time of blended emotions, shattered hearts and sleepless nights. Jakob was not well and i wanted him to know that i would be there for him when ever he needed me and in doing so suffered many broken hearts while watching him fix himself. He is now nothing like he used to be. He is not the man i married and im so happy for that. But during that time i did regret being pregnant and even contemplated adoption. But before i gave birth we where on track to fixing our lives and building a happy home. I'd always thought that maybe the turmoil times of the pregnancy gave me more of a predisposition for the baby blues to sneak their way into my world.
But why now? What have i done this time that has sent an invite to the much unwanted depressive monster.
He is forever banging at my door. Sometimes i can ignore that incisive noise from his banging, but other times i give in and the stench from his poisonous attitude comes seeping into my thoughts.
Not long after a gave birth, someone who will remain nameless had interpreted a blessing Madison had and told us that we were going to have two more children. I was far from amused. In fact that swung the door wide open for the monster to come in and devour all my happiness. I was in tears. How am i going to have two more? I had just started to think about going to uni when Madison is older. So when do i have these two more? Do i continue on with having all my children at once and getting it "over and done with" which means i still have five years or so of tiered sleepless nights. Or do i go to uni and have these two other children when ive finished and put off going to work for a few years. Or do i try and do everything all at once. All these questions added very unwanted and unnesessary stress which resulted in anger and tears. It wasn't until i talked to Jakob about it that he gave me a blessing and the nasty monster started packing his bags and sadly left. But he didn't want to leave. He turned right around and once again started his knocking.
Recently his vile ooze has been seeping through again. Im physically and emotionally tiered. I feel i have no more strength left to hold the door closed and block all the gaps so he can't creep in. My checks are sore from the salty rivers flowing down my face. Im sure if our house had feelings he would be rubbing his wounded door frames and nursing his poor ear drums.
It's not easy getting up at 7am and being with children right up until midnight. Yes some days i do get a nap but it's not always enough. Im sick of having mindless 3year old conversations about how "bees are in my mouth" and "butterflies eat bees" "talk to me mummy" "why" and all those odd things 3year olds think. They are funny and endearing but right now im just not in the mood.
Then there is trying to understand what "bler der berr" means. I was always told that girls pick up speech faster than boys, but not in this case. She understands pretty much everything we say, she just wont say anything. She's driving my car to insanity with me locked in the boot.
Then there is a baby that loves cuddles. Sure it's fine if she is the only one i have but trying to hold her and deal with everything else around me is getting to much. And shes a tummy sleeper which is a HUGE no no. We can't sleep her on her tummy for fear she will suffer from S.I.D.S (sudden infant death syndrome a.k.a cot death). I have tremendous troubles trying to get her to sleep on her back. She wont settle properly but as soon as i turn her on her tummy (which isn't often) she falls asleep almost instantly. So what am i suppose to do. Sleep her on her tummy and live in fear about how safe she will be, or stick with the sleeplessness and slow road to insanity?
Then there is all the none children stresses.
Jakob still spending money on things he doesn't need when our credit cards look rather unhealthy. We had a huge argument the other day when he bought yet another pair of shoes (he now has 16 pairs of shoes) that are the same style as most of his other ones, just another colour. Sure ok they were only $15, but does someone really need 16 pairs of shoes. He asked me to help him give up spending but so far i have not been successful. He just gets annoyed at me if i tell him he doesn't need to buy the millionth item of something.
The cold. I hate the cold. Huddled in my lounge late this afternoon feeling the cold bite my toes and watching my icy breath appear, i just burst into tears.
Im so thankful that we have the opportunity to have our own home. I just think the responsibility of owning is getting me down. There is some work that needs to be done but i have no idea where we are going to get the money to do it. This is something that i think about a lot and is getting me down and opening that door for the monster.
How do i balance out my life and worries? I feel i have so many concerns at the moment and they are all weighing me down. I need time to myself just to worry about myself. But unfortunately its not possible right now. I have this cute bundle of terror that i must have with me at all times. Right now im feeling and asking myself "Why did i do this again"
I can't be bothered doing this again and will not be doing this again. I really don't like this feeling and im over having children. I know this is just a stage of having children and it will be over but once its over thats it, im not going back here. Ive reached my limit.
And as much as i think he is, Jakobs not a mind reader, so i need to stop getting angry at him for not knowing how im feeling when i don't even tell him. I wish he was tho. When ive snapped at him, its not easy to turn around and tell him whats on my mind because he doesn't really want to listen to my rants when hes grumpy at me. And i don't blame him.
Ive just been painted blue lately.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
